


I'll Always Miss You

by ZankieForLifeBaby



Series: A Fine Mess [1]
Category: Big Brother RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:18:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 72,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZankieForLifeBaby/pseuds/ZankieForLifeBaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set 5 years in the future. One event changes things, for better or for worse...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I'll buy myself a cheap apartment  
> And I'll buy my heart a secret compartment  
> And when your memory starts to surface  
> I'll toast to mistakes made on purpose

Zach dropped his phone on the brown leather sofa, walking towards the kitchen to figure out what he could eat for dinner. He really wanted to go out and get Chipotle, but he figured he better actually eat in for once. He was eating out too much. It wasn’t healthy and it was expensive. Besides, it was kind of late and he didn’t really have the energy to drive anywhere right now. 

He left the TV on so he could hear it from the kitchen. He was watching ESPN; the sportscasters were talking about the Super Bowl—still. The game had been last Sunday, but somehow they were still talking about it. Zach supposed he might be a little bitter since his team had fallen short and lost in the second round of the playoffs. Either way, it was time to move on. He wished they’d talk about golf, but they almost never talked about golf.

His refrigerator was pretty empty. Besides a few condiments and some deli meat, all he had was beer and orange juice. He made a mental note that he needed to go to the grocery store soon or he really wouldn’t have any food. With any luck, he’d be able to convince Alison to go for him. He’d been dating Alison for a year. Lately, she’d been dropping not so subtle hints that she wanted to move in with Zach. He wasn’t sure about that idea. He loved Alison. He was pretty sure he did, at least, but he didn’t really want to live with anyone else right now.

He lived in a one-bedroom apartment with Tiger. It wasn’t the best place, but it was affordable and he was comfortable there. It was only about five miles away from his parents' place. He didn’t have anything other than a mattress and an old beat up sofa when he had moved in. He’d acquired better things over the last few years. He had a nice sofa and a pretty big flat screen TV now. His bedroom was still pretty scarcely furnished since he didn’t spend much time there anyway. His walls had been bare for a few months before he’d allowed his mom to put up some stuff and make it seem a little more like home.

He’d moved out of his parents’ place about four years ago. Now Peyton was a teenager, but what was really scary was that he’d just gotten his driver’s license. Zach played golf with Peyton every weekend. Peyton was on the golf team at school, so he had practice during the week and Zach didn’t get to see him all that much. Zach still saw his family for dinner every Friday night. Alison had started coming to dinner with him on Fridays beginning a few months ago. His mother loved Alison. They got along really well and Alison was truthfully a really nice girl.

Zach had a good job. Maybe it wasn’t the job he wanted, but he couldn’t complain much. After spending a year doing random appearances and making some money off of a few rap singles and T-shirts that he sold to his fans, the offers started to dry up. So he figured he better find something else to do. The problem was that nothing interested him. He ended up working at a golf course by accident. He’d been playing with Peyton when one of the managers offered him a job teaching golf to kids. He’d taken the job just so he could make some money and move out of his parents’ house. He’d continued to get promoted and now he was basically in charge of the entire golf course. He spent most of his time dealing with staffing and some customer relations. It was boring, but it paid better than being an instructor. He missed being out on the course though.

Zach returned to the living room, carrying a roast beef sandwich with him. He checked his phone when he sat down. He had a text from Alison asking about getting lunch tomorrow. Tomorrow was Friday. He typically had an easy day on Friday. He texted her back, letting her know that he’d pick her up from work around 12:15 and they could go wherever she wanted. He smiled at his phone. Life was easy with Alison. She was nice, smart, and funny. She was everything he’d always looked for. She was also gorgeous and got his sense of humor. They really fit together very nicely. He knew they would move in together soon. He couldn’t really get around that even if he didn’t want to live together. He could tell it was kind of becoming a deal breaker and he didn’t want to lose her. It wasn’t the idea of living with her that was the problem. The problem was living with anyone. He couldn’t explain why, but he was hesitant about the whole thing.

SportsCenter was still droning on about the Super Bowl. They’d moved on to a discussion about the controversial ‘roughing the kicker’ call the refs had made right before the end of the half. Zach was over it. He flipped the channel, looking for something else to watch. He ended up on an entertainment news program for a second, seeing an image of Ariana Grande flash on the screen. They were talking about the Grammy Awards. They were coming up this Sunday and apparently Ariana was the opening performance. Zach flipped the channel quickly.

Zach didn’t like to linger on the topic of Ariana or Frankie Grande. It's not like he hated them or anything. He could never hate them—especially not Ari. Ari was one of the sweetest girls he’d ever met. He still maintained she was also the most talented singer on the planet right now. He just couldn’t listen to or think about Ariana without thinking about Frankie. When he thought about Frankie, he always felt weird. He wasn’t angry or sad. He’d been both of those things years ago. Now, he didn’t even think he could put his emotions into words. He was grateful no one asked anymore. He’d never even had to have the conversation with Alison. That had been a relief.

Frankie and Zach had tried to make their unusual relationship work after Big Brother ended. They’d spent some time together, although probably not as much as either would have liked. When they were together, most of the time it was magical. The chemistry between them was unlike anything Zach had experienced before or since. Sometimes when they were together it became too much though and their chemistry would ignite a fire. There was yelling and screaming and finger pointing. It was all very dramatic sometimes. It was like they were completely in love and nothing could be more perfect, or the house had to be burning down around them. There was no middle ground. It was beautiful and tragic all at once.

After about a year of trying to make something work, they both decided it was time to move on. They were both too jealous when they were separated and too passionate when they were together. The periods of cold indifference punctuated by fiery reunions had gotten tiresome after a while. Zach didn’t really want to make the choice to end it. He’d known Frankie didn’t either, but circumstances, lifestyles, and dreams were getting in their way. They had both feared resenting each other, and that fear had won out in the end. 

They’d maintained contact for about another year after that. Just birthday wishes and the occasional check in to see how things were going. They never went too deep or personal when they talked. Frankie had been really disappointed when Zach took the golf job and Zach could hear it plain as day in his voice when he told him. Now, Zach almost wished he’d listened to Frankie and declined the job. Frankie had been begging him to move to Los Angeles or New York. Frankie said he could live with him until he got his feet under him. Frankie insisted they could be platonic. Zach didn’t really think that’d be possible, besides he couldn’t leave his family again. It was too hard. So he’d taken the job and stayed put.

Tiger was curled up on the sofa next to Zach and he reached over to pet him. Zach spent a few minutes loving on Tiger before he got up to get ready for bed. Even if Friday was his easy day, he still had to be at the course before 7 am, in time for the first tee times. He made his way to the bathroom, getting in the shower and trying to take his mind off of Frankie. He hated when he got stuck like this. He wasn’t sure what power Frankie still had over him. They hadn’t talked in over three years. Zach wasn’t sure if Frankie ever even thought about him. He probably didn’t, Zach thought. Frankie was too popular and busy being perfect to linger on a frat boy he’d had a thing for years ago. Zach always wanted to believe that Frankie had truly loved him, but he couldn’t be sure. Zach wasn’t sure he even knew what love was—then or now.

After Zach showered, he wrapped a towel around his waist before returning to the living room to turn the TV and lights off. He was planning to take a Benadryl and go to bed. His mind was still turning with random memories and curiosities about Frankie. He didn’t want to deal with it tonight and he knew the Benadryl would knock him out. Zach called for Tiger to come with him to bed after he grabbed his phone and left the living room for the warmth of his bed. He dropped his phone on the bed on his way to the bathroom again where he found the Benadryl and quickly took one without giving it too much thought. He didn’t want to think about how he was using a medication to go to sleep to avoid thinking about Frankie. He sighed to himself, wishing he’d never seen that image of Ari on his TV screen. She was hard to avoid though. She’d only gotten bigger over the last few years.

Zach changed into clean boxers and sat on the edge of his bed, running his hands through his hair when he heard his phone beep. He assumed it would be another text from Alison confirming their plans for tomorrow. He took a minute and then reached for it. He was shocked when he saw the name on the message was AJ. AJ had moved back to Florida two years ago. He had passed the Florida bar and had recently gotten married. He lived in Miami. He was a junior associate at a big law firm. Zach wasn’t really sure what kind of law, but AJ seemed to be doing pretty well for himself. They were still friends. They just didn’t talk as much as they used to.

Zach had to unlock his phone to read the message. He screwed up his face in confusion when he read it. It didn’t make much sense, or at least it didn’t offer any actual information. AJ simply said, “Dude…you should turn on the news.”

Zach was reticent to get out of bed. He could already feel the sheets below him getting warm and Tiger was curled up opposite of him. He didn’t want to go back to the living room just to see what was on the news, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was odd. AJ didn’t text him often and it was kind of late. Zach sighed, getting up and walking to the living room. He turned the TV on and some infomercial was playing. He didn’t remember which channel CNN was on, so he opened the guide and navigated to it.

When he turned the channel, the headline on the screen explained everything. His mouth dropped open and the remote fell loudly to the tile floor. The plastic cover over the batteries popped out of place and the batteries rolled across the floor. Zach dropped onto the couch, his eyes fixed on the screen, but his mind refused to comprehend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And love, I'm afraid, that after tonight  
> There won't be a way to see you  
> But just for the sake of our storyline  
> I'll wait a day to break the bad news

“POPSTAR ARIANA GRANDE’S PLANE MISSING”

That was the headline on the screen. Zach looked at the white letters forming words on top of a red background. The edges of the letters were fuzzy. The words were blurring together. In fact, the whole screen was hazy. He couldn’t understand the words the reporters were saying. It was like they were down a long tunnel. It just sounded like buzzing to Zach. Finally, hot tears spilled down his face and the screen became clear again. He squinted, trying to read the smaller print under the headline. Apparently the plane was expected in Los Angeles two hours ago, but it hadn’t arrived. She’d been on a privately chartered plane from Costa Rica back to the US. 

The plane had taken off safely, but they’d lost contact with the plane about four hours into its six-hour flight plan. The news anchors didn’t have more information than that. They were speculating as to why she was in Costa Rica. Zach didn’t really care. All he really wanted to know is who had been on the plane. The why didn’t matter anymore. It had already happened. Zach tried not to think of everyone on the plane as dead, but it was hard to imagine any other scenario.

Zach didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, but he didn’t want to sit there alone either. He had a feeling Frankie was on that plane. He couldn’t explain why. He just felt it. He pulled up the instagram app on his phone that he almost never used anymore and searched for Frankie. The latest picture was three days old. It was just a selfie. There was no way to know where he was. Twitter was just as unhelpful. It was mostly inspirational tweets with the same selfie. Ariana’s social media was similar. There were pictures of her and her dogs, but no word on who was traveling with her. It did appear that she’d been in Japan last month, but that was the last place he could identify for sure.

Zach thought about texting AJ back, but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t know what to say. ‘Thank you’ didn’t seem appropriate. Plus, he could feel his emotions building up and he didn’t want to get stuck in some text conversation. So Zach sat there, staring at the screen. He listened to the reporters talk in circles. An hour passed, but it felt like ten minutes. The tears that had been in his eyes had dried now. 

Then the reporters had new information. Apparently, they’d gotten a report on the number of people on the plane. There was a total of ten people on the plane, including the pilot. They didn’t have names, but of the nine passengers, they were all American and three were female. Zach was more nervous now. Six men. That felt like too many—too many chances for one of them to be Frankie. Maybe Frankie really was on that plane. He couldn’t take it anymore. He scrolled through the contacts in his phone until he found Frankie’s name. He’d never been able to delete it. Truthfully, he wasn’t even sure it was the right number anymore. He took a deep breath and pressed the call button. It went to an automated voice messaging system. It didn’t say to whom the number belonged.

Zach dropped his phone next to him, head in his hands as he continued to watch the TV. The tears returned, slowly falling down his cheeks. He picked the phone up again after a few minutes. He was feeling desperate. Sure, they hadn’t spoken in years, but that didn’t mean he wanted Frankie to go missing or, god forbid, die on an airplane somewhere over Mexico. Zach didn’t know how he’d ever get over it—how he’d ever move on. He always thought they’d figure it out and be friends again. Maybe that was unreasonable, but it’s what got him through the night whenever he got stuck thinking about Frankie.

Zach dialed the number again, waiting for the message to finish before he spoke. His voice cracked. He knew his voice sounded heavy with tears. He did it anyway. “Frankie? I don’t know if this is your number anymore. Call me, please. I need to know you’re okay,” Zach took a deep breath. He debated if he should stop there, but he couldn’t. He kept speaking, almost rambling, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please. Please. I love you…I promise.” The voicemail cut off and asked if he wanted to listen back or delete the message. He almost deleted it. It was selfish of him to leave a message telling him that he loved him. What right did he have? But he’d wanted to say it so bad. He had to. He figured he’d hate himself if he deleted it, so he ended the call, leaving the message out there in the world somewhere.

Zach quickly typed out a text to Frankie too, just in case. He looked at it before he sent it, debating if it was appropriate. Finally he just sent it. He didn’t have time to worry about being weird. The text read: “Frankie. I’m so scared. Please answer me babe. I love you.” He shouldn’t call Frankie ‘babe’, but the term of endearment came too easily to deny. Zach scrolled past Joan’s phone number, but he knew he couldn’t call her. He didn’t know where she was, but he didn’t think his call would be overly welcome. He couldn’t even comprehend the idea that she was on that plane too. It hurt too much to think of all three of them on that plane. He saw Strigs number in his phone and almost called, but thought better of it. He would have to wait, like the rest of the world. He wasn’t special—not anymore.

Zach gave up on the idea of sleep, or at least any sort of restful sleep. It was 3 am now. He couldn’t even fathom seeing people tomorrow. He typed out two text messages and sent them before he could give it a second thought. He let the general manager at the club know he wouldn’t make it in to work tomorrow. Then he cancelled lunch plans with Alison. He claimed he was sick. It was kind of true. He felt a little nauseous. The more he thought about a fiery plane crash, the sicker he felt.

He dragged the blue and orange gator blanket off of the back of the sofa and lay down, covering himself up. He left the TV on, just staring ahead at the glow coming off of the screen. The Benadryl wasn’t going to do anything to turn his mind off now, but he could feel it pulling him towards sleep. His eyes hurt. He didn’t think he’d cried that much, but he figured it must have been more than he thought. 

He closed his eyes; his mind instantly showed him Frankie. He saw the last selfie Frankie had taken and posted on instagram. Zach had saved the picture. He wasn’t sure why. It was admittedly a little sadistic. Zach tried to push the image out of his head, but it was only replaced with his memory of the last time they’d been in the same place. It had been a couple weeks before they’d officially ended whatever relationship it was they had been trying to carry on. They both already knew it was ending at that time. Zach had still been trying to deny it. He was pretty sure Frankie had been too.

When they’d said goodbye that day, Frankie was dropping Zach off at the airport once again. Zach was only supposed to go to Florida for a visit, but he hadn’t planned a return flight yet and Frankie knew it. Zach had leaned into the hug, holding Frankie tighter than usual. He remembered inhaling deeply with his face pressed to Frankie’s neck. Now, he was trying to remember that smell. It was impossible. Time had taken it from him. Zach felt the tears fall from the corners of his eyes. He didn’t bother to wipe them. Zach could still hear Frankie whispering to him, as they stood, entwined and waiting for the moment Zach broke the hug and left. Frankie whispered, “I love you. I always will.” The words were haunting now. Zach had returned the sentiment, promising his love for the thousandth time. He’d meant it. _He’d always meant it._

After a minute, Zach had finally pulled his head back, leaning forward again to kiss Frankie. Their lips met briefly, but it was meaningful. Zach normally didn’t go for public displays of affection, but at that moment, Zach thought he might not ever get another chance. So he took it. Frankie hadn’t even looked surprised at the sudden public kiss. Instead, his face had softened and his hand had left the faintest of touches on Zach’s cheek. Frankie looked Zach in the eyes. Frankie’s eyes had been glassy with tears. “Goodbye my love,” Frankie said. Zach smiled weakly and said, “Goodbye baby.” Zach had walked away then, glancing back when he reached the doors. Frankie hadn’t moved. From the distance, Zach couldn’t be certain, but he was pretty sure tears were streaming down Frankie’s face. Zach had wiped his own eyes, preventing the tears from escaping before he turned his back and disappeared inside the airport. Truthfully, he’d wanted nothing more than to run back to the safety of Frankie’s arms. Frankie’s arms were always safe, but terrifying in a way that he couldn’t ignore. That’s probably why Zach couldn’t will himself to do it.

Two weeks later, they’d agreed to just be friends and stop the confusion and pain. It didn’t stop for Zach though. He’d still struggled. He didn’t really know what had happened on Frankie’s end. Frankie remained cheery on social media, but Zach knew that didn’t really mean anything. They never really talked about it again. Zach was afraid to bring it up. He figured that Frankie was too. They’d remained friends on the surface, but they couldn’t maintain it. It was almost a relief when they’d stopped talking—almost. Zach thought about him less, but each time Frankie reentered his consciousness, it was harder to stop thinking about it. It was harder to ignore the tiny piece of his heart that was aching.

He always wondered what Frankie had thought at that time and in the years since. Zach was frightened now that he might never find out. If Frankie had been on that plane, Zach held little hope he’d ever get to talk to him again. Zach realized then that he hadn’t even really allowed himself to grieve for Ariana. She had definitely been on that plane. He’d seen enough news stories about missing planes to know that the chances things were okay were basically zero. They almost never found survivors and that was if they ever found the plane at all. The tears were streaming freely now. Zach didn’t care. Ari didn’t deserve that. No one did. It was a terrible ending to a beautiful life and a wonderful soul.

More time passed. Zach’s mind tortured him with memories of words spoken, promises whispered, kisses shared, and love made with Frankie. Eventually, the sun was rising. He tossed his arm over his eyes, trying to block out the light. He tried to let sleep take him. He was spent in everyway possible when he heard his phone start ringing. He thought it would be Alison checking on him after his odd text in the middle of the night. She knew he’d had a friendship with Frankie in the past, but he hadn’t elaborated. He didn’t think she’d really make the connection. 

Zach picked up his phone, shocked to see a New York area code. He’d dropped the phone quickly, like it had burned his skin. It clamored on the coffee table. Zach scrambled to pick it up again. He punched the button to answer before the call went to voice mail and he missed it entirely. He took a deep breath before he answered. “Hello?” Zach asked. He held his breath, waiting for an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make no promises.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out how many of you kind of want to kill me...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well it takes an idealist to know one  
> And me and you, we had that going for us  
> And we the dreamers chase forever  
> So at least in that we'll be together  
> Oh, I guess

The voice on the other end wasn’t Frankie. That was the only thing Zach could comprehend at first. He didn’t know who it was and he couldn’t listen to any of the words being spoken to him. He asked the voice to repeat itself multiple times before he was able to figure it out. It was Jon-Erik. Zach had no idea how Jon-Erik had gotten his number. They’d never spoken on the phone before. The tears in Zach’s eyes were only coming quicker as he realized what this must mean. He hadn’t even listened to the words Jon-Erik was saying yet, but he knew that a phone call from anyone but Frankie was not a good sign.

Finally, Zach forced himself to listen. Jon-Erik was rambling about flight plans and rehearsals and leaving a day later than intended. Then, he finally heard what he’d been dreading. “I talked to Frankie last night when he was packing. They were flying back in time for Ari’s Grammy Award rehearsal,” Jon-Erik said. Now Zach could hear how Jon-Erik’s voice sounded stuffy. He’d clearly been crying too. 

“He’s gone?” Zach asked. That was all he could say. He was lucky he got those words out. He’d rather the ceiling cave in on him right this second than hear the answer he knew was coming. He was already wincing before Jon-Erik even answered.

“Well, honestly…probably. The plane is still missing. None of the aviation officials in Costa Rica, LA, or Mexico can give Joan any idea where the plane is. All they can tell her is that it took off from Costa Rica,” Jon-Erik said. A sob escaped from Zach despite his attempt to keep it in. The fact that clearly Joan hadn’t been on the plane was but a flicker of information drowned by a tidal wave of pain. Zach didn’t understand how this was happening right now. Why was this happening? It wasn’t fair.

Jon-Erik continued to talk for a minute while Zach attempted to process. Clearly, rambling was Jon-Erik’s comfort right now because he kept talking even though Zach wasn’t answering. Zach closed his eyes and moved the phone away from his ear. His mind was imagining Frankie coming through his door, laughing about some big joke he’d just pulled off on Zach as he wrapped his arms around him, acting like they’d never spent years ignoring each other. Zach shook his head, trying to stop the daydream. It was ridiculous. This was real. He couldn’t deny it. He couldn’t escape to an alternate reality. This was as real as it got. 

All of a sudden, Zach was more angry than anything else. The anger brought his focus back. He picked up the phone again. “Why was he there?” Zach asked. He couldn’t help it. He needed to know. It didn’t matter. It was childish, but Zach resented Frankie for going to Costa Rica. There was no reason for him to have gone that Zach could see on the surface. It was probably just a vacation or something. Maybe there was a brief appearance or benefit or something for Ari to attend, but in all likelihood, Frankie didn’t _have_ to go. 

“It was kind of last minute. He wasn’t doing anything and figured he’d spend some time with Ari. She’d just spent two months in Asia touring and doing appearances,” Jon-Erik answered.

Zach had to get off the phone. He wasn’t going to be able to keep it together. “Jon-Erik, thank you for calling. Seriously. I always loved him and I’ll never stop. I’ll miss him forever, bu-but I need to go,” Zach said.

“I understand. I’ll text you with any new information. I’m sorry Zach,” Jon-Erik said.

“No, you shouldn’t say that. I’m the one that is sorry. I’m so sorry. Goodbye,” Zach said earnestly. It was ridiculous, Zach realized, for Frankie’s best friend to attempt to comfort him. Who was he? He was nothing but a silly boy who’d gotten into some indescribable, undefined relationship with Frankie that had only lasted a year. He was nowhere near as important to Frankie as Jon-Erik.

“Bye Zach,” Jon-Erik replied and the line went dead. Zach threw his phone across the room. It hit the wall by his bedroom door and fell angrily to the floor. The screen was probably cracked. Zach couldn’t care less. He curled up on his side on the couch. He stared blankly at the wall across from him. Tears fell until they didn’t come anymore. He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t care. Frankie was gone. Zach didn’t bother to hope that the plane would be found and everything would be okay. That was a pipe dream and he wasn’t going to go there. It was best for him to just accept it from the beginning instead of grieving twice. He heard his phone buzzing on the floor. He didn’t get up. It could buzz all day. He wasn’t answering.

Zach’s eyes closed of their own accord. It wasn’t a conscious decision. Then he was dreaming, but it felt real. In his dream, he was standing next to Frankie, begging him not to leave. He was pulling at Frankie’s arm, trying to grab him around the waist and keep him from getting on the plane in front of them. It was useless though, Frankie seemed to pull him along with him like Zach didn’t weigh anything. Zach was screaming Frankie’s name. He tried everything he could to prevent Frankie from boarding that plane and just when Frankie was supposed to walk up the steps and onto the plane, he’d turned, touching Zach’s cheek before grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. Now Frankie was yelling Zach’s name. 

Zach sat up, startled by the banging and the voice yelling his name at his front door. He groaned to himself, not wanting to get up and upset that his sleep had been interrupted. He opened his eyes. The room was blurry. The news was still playing and showing a map of the flight plan that Ariana’s plane was supposed to take. The tears sprang back into his eyes and Zach shook his head. The banging continued and then he recognized his mom’s voice yelling his name. There was no point in hiding, so Zach got up and opened the door. She stepped inside immediately, wrapping her arms around Zach. 

Zach shut the door and allowed his mom to comfort him. She was rubbing his back and he let go, sobbing into her shoulder. “He’s gone,” he said repeatedly. He was a broken record with a scratchy voice. The sobs he had been trying to hold back before were wracking his body now. He couldn’t hold it together anymore and now with his mother here, he didn’t feel like he had to.

Jill gently pulled Zach back to the sofa. He collapsed next to her, continuing to cry. She looked at him questioningly and he filled in the blank she was missing. “Jon-Erik called. He was in Costa Rica with Ari. They were flying back for a Grammy rehearsal. He’s gone,” Zach rasped out. His voice was straining and he felt like he was choking on the words. Jill nodded in understanding. She pulled Zach into another hug on the sofa. His breathing calmed down eventually and she let him go a little bit. His face was red. His eyes were bloodshot. His hair stuck up at odd angles. He kept sniffling and rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. He looked like a total wreck.

Jill seemed to notice the phone on the floor when it started buzzing again. She got up to pick it up. She held his phone up, asking Zach for the passcode to unlock it. He shook his head, reaching for the phone and typing in the code. He ignored the large crack across the screen. He had two missed calls from his mom, one from Alison and one from his boss. Otherwise he had a handful of texts. They were from Alison, AJ, and Peyton. Zach read them quickly. Peyton was worried. AJ was worried. Alison was worried, but she didn’t know why she should be worried. That was the distinction. AJ and Peyton knew what was happening, or at least they understood why Zach might be out of touch right now. Alison didn’t. Not really. He didn’t want to explain it. He’d purposefully not explained his relationship with Frankie. It had been in the past. Now it really was in the past—for good. The thought made him cry again. 

Zach texted Alison. He apologized and said he was really sick, telling her he thought he was contagious with the flu and he’d call her later. 

They sat in silence for a minute before Jill reached out, rubbing his back. Zach laid down, his head in her lap. They stayed that way for an hour, Jill rubbing his back periodically. The TV kept talking, but Zach stopped listening. He stared blankly ahead, focusing on the battery from the remote that had come to rest right by one of the legs of the coffee table. Jill didn’t say anything, choosing to let Zach sort through his own emotions. When Zach sat up, he said, “Thanks Ma. Do you think I could have some time alone?”

“Are you sure?” Jill asked. She looked concerned, but her voice was even. Zach knew she’d give him space if he asked for it.

“Yeah, I need some time. You should go home. Tell Peyton I’ll talk to him later. I just…can’t right now…” Zach stated. Jill nodded before she leaned over to hug Zach. She kissed his forehead before Zach walked with her to the door and they parted after a long hug.

When she was gone, Zach made his way to the bathroom again. He stripped off his clothes and turned the water on as hot as it went. He waited until the steam was rising and fogging up the small room before he stepped into the shower. It was scalding. It was probably almost hot enough to burn him. He kind of liked it. It was a nice distraction. He looked down at the arm he’d put under the water and his skin was bright red. He realized that wasn’t such a good idea, so he reached out to turn the heat down a bit. When it was just bearable, but not scalding, he stepped all the way into the stream. 

He didn’t really need a shower. It’s not like he had gotten dirty in the last twelve hours, just existing on his couch. He found it refreshing though. He allowed his mind to solidify on the fact that Frankie was gone. He wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t going to get to talk to him again. He had to move on. There was no other option. Zach took advantage of the time alone. He said the words aloud, slowly, to himself, “Frankie James Michael Grande Marchione is gone. I will never see or speak to him again.” The tears fell as he spoke, quickly washed away by the water that was running in little rivers from the top of his head and down his face. 

After a few more minutes, Zach got out of the shower. He used a towel to dry his hair a bit and put on clean clothes. He gazed at his bedroom. The walls were bare. He’d never bothered to have his mom decorate this room. He didn’t see the point when all he did was sleep in here. He looked at the bookshelf against the wall. It was still filled with various textbooks and self help books he’d gathered over the years. It didn’t have a lot of empty spaces left at this point. He walked over, pulling out his copy of ‘The Secret’ and quickly thumbing through the pages until the book fell open naturally to page 104. There, Zach saw what he was looking for. It was the only picture of himself with Frankie that he still owned. It was remarkably well preserved with only the crease in the middle, left over from being folded into the book, marring the image. It was a black and white picture of him and Frankie hugging on finale night, their smiles never bigger or more genuine.

Zach laid the picture on his bed, returning the book to its place on the shelf. Zach went back to the living room, walking past the TV that was still showing news anchors babbling about the same facts that Zach already knew. He wanted to turn the TV off, but he couldn’t. Instead, he went to the kitchen, pulling a beer out of the fridge. He opened it, taking a long swig and then another until half of the beer was gone in mere seconds. Zach heard his phone buzz on the coffee table. He decided to let it ring. He’d check it later. He finished his beer quickly before grabbing another. By the time he had the second beer open, his phone was buzzing again. 

He sighed to himself, angry with himself for being annoyed at who was probably Alison just trying to make sure he was okay or wanting to bring him soup or some other unbearably kind gesture that he couldn’t accept right now. He made his way out of the kitchen, deciding he better answer now and find a way to get through this sooner rather than later. He took a long drink from his new beer as he approached the coffee table. When he looked down, he choked on his beer, sputtering and spraying most of it across the coffee table. The crack marring the screen on his phone couldn’t ruin the 5-year-old picture of the smirking face looking up at him. That face was unmistakable—almost as unmistakable as the bright pink tips on top of the blonde mohawk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I make no promises.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The city sleeps, so silently  
> Wish I could say the same for me  
> But I've got this dead ended street  
> To keep searching  
> For a tunnel underneath the bitter truth  
> Or a bridge invisible I won't fall through

Zach stood, rooted to the spot. He was dumbfounded, his mouth agape as he stared at his phone, vibrating on the coffee table. The picture staring up at him had rendered his mind a blank. He dropped to his knees, reaching out for the phone. He held it, feeling the vibrations pulsating through his hand. He turned his head curiously, examining the picture he’d forgotten that he’d attached to Frankie’s number so many years ago. It was an old picture. Frankie still had pink tips on his blonde Mohawk. You could see his brown roots as well. Zach remembered receiving this picture in a text from Frankie way back when—when things had been good between them. His finger hovered over the button to answer the call, but he hesitated. 

The phone stopped ringing. The screen went black.

Zach was jolted into action by the black screen. He quickly unlocked the phone, checking his missed calls. He did, in fact, have two missed calls from Frankie’s phone. How the hell was that possible? Frankie was gone. Zach had already started the process of accepting this. Jon-Erik had told him. This was a cruel joke. This wasn’t real. He must have fell in the shower and hit his head. He was passed out and having a weird dream. That had to be it. That would explain it. He shook his head, trying to clear it. He felt the wet hair on top of his head curiously as he combed through the last few minutes in his brain. He was sure he didn’t fall; he wasn’t dreaming. His phone had actually rung with a call from Frankie—or at least from Frankie’s phone.

Now Zach’s heart was leaping in his chest, feeling lighter than before. Zach tried to tame the feeling. It didn’t mean anything…did it? He couldn’t read too much into it. The hope was almost too much to bear, but Zach sat there with his finger hovering over Frankie’s name, ready to call back. Zach hesitated again. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it if it wasn’t Frankie who answered. Or what if the phone didn’t even ring, like when he called last night? What could he possibly make of that? Were the phone calls he’d just received even real? He checked his call log again. They appeared to be real. Zach thought maybe ignorance really is bliss in this regard. He could always hold onto the hope if he didn't actually find out...at least temporarily.

Zach lost his nerve. He couldn’t make the call. Not right now. He shifted his body, resting his back against the edge of the sofa. Tiger had made his way over by that point. He was licking the floor everywhere he could find any trace of the beer Zach had sprayed everywhere. Zach was too spent to even think about cleaning it up. Instead, he pointed out new areas to Tiger as he slowly cleaned the floor. Zach had to chuckle to himself, he was basically giving his dog beer at this point. Actually, Zach was surprised he hadn’t fed Tiger beer before. It seemed like something he would do.

When Tiger was finished, he laid by Zach’s legs. Zach ran his hand down Tiger’s back a few times, offering a few “good boys” as he did. Zach was still holding his phone in his hand when it vibrated again. Zach checked it quickly, hoping it would be Frankie or whoever had Frankie’s phone again. It was Alison. She had sent him a text asking if he was feeling better. Zach felt insanely guilty all of a sudden. He was lying to a girl he claimed he loved because he was mourning over a man he could no longer deny that he still loved.

Zach sighed loudly, deciding to text her now instead of later. He seriously considered coming clean, but the thought of her coming over was too much to handle. He couldn’t risk it. So, he lied again. He wrote a text complaining about various symptoms and perhaps going into a bit too much detail for polite company. He apologized for not talking to her more, but explained he was trying to sleep away the illness. He was hoping the graphic details of his supposed illness would prevent her from asking about it too much more. 

After Zach had sent the text off, he could no longer take his mind off of Frankie. He was obsessing about the phone call. He began to wonder if Frankie really was alive and they had crash-landed somewhere and he was calling Zach for help. Zach felt extremely guilty for ignoring the first call and even worse for hesitating and losing the second call. Then again, no one had left him a message. Surely Frankie would’ve left a message.

Zach steeled himself and pressed the button to call Frankie before he could talk himself out of it again. Zach’s heart was racing again. He was fairly certain his heart would beat too fast and explode. He wasn’t sure that was a real thing, but he was pretty confident it could happen to him right now. His mouth went dry and he could barely think straight when he heard the first ring. It was actually ringing. That was all Zach could think about. He couldn’t believe it was ringing. That was a good sign, right? Well, it was some kind of sign he decided. He tried to remember that he didn’t even know who had Frankie’s phone.

Now Zach started holding his breath. It wasn’t even a conscious decision. He was too afraid to make any noise; he was too concentrated on the sounds coming through his phone. The first shrill ring had given way to a silence that had a faint crackle to it. Zach wondered if that meant anything. He was pretty sure he’d never listened to the silence between rings so intently before. Maybe this was normal. He had no idea.

The second ring filled his ear. Zach could feel the hope building its fire anew. He hated himself for it. Hope was not something he needed right now. This excruciating phone call would be so much easier without hope. The hope was only lifting him up to fall harder. He tried to remind himself of that. He wanted to douse those flames in water before they could rise up and awaken the yearning in his heart for it all to be untrue—for Frankie to actually be okay. He needed Frankie to be okay more than he was willing to admit, but he knew he wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. He had no problem admitting that part.

The second ring ended. The silence was ominous. It continued to crackle and at one point Zach heard a change in the silence. It was almost like a click. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it or not, but when he heard it, his heart skipped a beat, hoping it was someone answering the call. His heart had leapt into his throat as he waited, but nothing came but more silence. He felt the tears welling up, but he tried to ignore them. It was just a weird connection. The phone was likely in a foreign country. Zach tried to remember that and not get so jumpy about what he heard until there was an actual human voice on the other line. He corrected himself: _if_ there was ever a human voice on the other side.

During the third ring Zach was pretty sure he was going to lose his mind. He’d never concentrated so much on one phone call. It was maddening. The sound of the ring in his ear was horrible. It was too loud and it hit all the wrong notes. Zach was growing to hate it. Zach didn’t care if that was unreasonable. He was fairly certain he was allowed to be unreasonable at this point. It took all of his will power not to throw his phone across the room in frustration. Why was this phone call already the longest thirty seconds of his life? 

The silence returned again. Somehow, it was comforting this time. It was almost like a lull that Zach wanted to curl into and fall asleep. It was a limbo with a promise—however real or false, he didn’t know, but there was a promise nonetheless. He was so tired. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and dream what could have been—or maybe what should have been. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure about any of his life choices anymore. It was amazing how in less than twenty-four hours he could question the entirety of the past five years of his life.

The fourth ring began and Zach was fairly certain it would be the last. He was no expert at how long a phone rang, but this was getting ridiculous. This phone call was an eternity. He felt like his heart was going to give out. It had been racing too fast for too long. There was no way it was going to be able to make it through this call. The thought of hanging up crossed his mind. He shut that idea down immediately. There was no way. He’d hesitated to answer and lost his chance at what was on the other end of this phone, he wasn’t going to turn away or hesitate again. He was diving in head first, regardless of what he’d find. 

In the subsequent silence, Zach lost his ability to keep it together. The tears fell again. He was tired of crying, but he wasn’t sure how to stop. Every time he would run out of tears, something new would happen so that he’d find more. This cycle was not fun. He could feel his stomach turning over with nerves. The phone call would be ending soon. He was certain of it. It had already gone on for at least two eternities; there was no way it could keep going. The call would end and he’d have no answers. Great, Zach thought, just fucking great. It could not get worse than this.

A few seconds later, just as Zach had expected, he heard a change in the silence, but this time he was ready for it. He wouldn’t be fooled again. So when the automated voice messaging system picked up, he didn’t react. He had finally expected something and it had turned out to actually be that way. Zach was relieved that one thing had finally gone as he expected, even if it wasn’t such a good thing. 

Zach listened to the message. He chewed on his lip, debating if he should leave another message. He’d already left one voicemail and sent a text. What was the point? Clearly whoever had Frankie’s phone and was calling him knew that he’d already left a message. So, just before the beep to leave a message, Zach hung up the phone. He stared at the phone in his hand for a few minutes, willing something to happen. His chest felt tight. He couldn't breath very well as his heart was slowing down. His head was swimming with possibilities and it was all making him feel a little sick. He turned his focus to the screen again, trying to concentrate on anything but Frankie. He noticed the battery bar in the corner. He only had five percent of his battery left. That wasn’t surprising. He’d failed to plug it in last night.

He carried the phone with him as he returned to his bedroom. He plugged the phone into his charger. He checked to make sure it was charging. Then he grabbed the picture of him and Frankie from his bed. He moved it onto his bedside table, propping it up a little so he could see it. Zach lay down on his bed. He curled onto his side, facing the newly displayed picture. He grabbed his phone again, testing to see how long the cord on his charger was. He was able to set the phone on the edge of his bed. He placed his hand over it, not wanting to let go, just in case there was another call from Frankie’s phone.

Zach’s eyes closed slowly. He was so tired and his eyes stung from all of the tears. Tiger had followed him and was laying with his back pressed against Zach’s back. The warmth felt nice. Zach felt himself being pulled under. He was almost asleep when his phone beeped at him. It was a single, shrill beep. He turned his phone over quickly, checking the screen. The lock screen displayed the alert that he had a voicemail. Zach’s hands started to shake now, but he opened his voicemail screen. The message was from Frankie's phone. He was confused. There hadn’t been another call. He clicked on the message and it showed that the message had been left twenty minutes ago. This was a message from the earlier calls. Zach was angry at his phone service for failing to deliver the message promptly, but he didn’t have time to focus on that. 

Zach pressed the button to play the message quickly before he could think anymore about it. He was so tired of thinking about everything. He quickly moved to the edge of the bed so he could place the phone to his ear. He closed his eyes tight, waiting for what was next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long delay! And, yes, I know that was the longest phone call ever...
> 
> Also, I make no promises regarding storyline, BUT I do promise answers in the next part.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As high as the moon  
> So high were my spirits  
> When you sang out my name  
> And coming from you  
> It was enough just to hear it  
> Oh, it rang like the bells did today

“WHAT THE FUCK, ZACH?! What is this? Three years of complete silence and you text me that you love me, that you’re scared, and you call me ‘babe’? What kind of sick joke is this? What are you scared of? What the actual fuck, Zach? Don’t bother calling back. This is twisted. I don’t know what game you think you’re playing,” Frankie sassed. He practically yelled the whole thing. When the message ended, Zach stared at his phone. He didn’t even know what to think. 

After Zach heard Frankie say his name, he didn’t really listen to the rest of the message, but he could tell Frankie was angry by all the yelling. Hearing Frankie say his name after all these years was a shock. It was a jolt to his mind and his heart. He felt like his whole body was on fire listening to Frankie’s voice, even if he wasn’t sure what he’d said. Zach pressed play on the message again, listening for a second time. Frankie was pissed. That was obvious, but Zach didn’t care. He was alive. Frankie could hate him, yell at him, whatever he wanted—hell, Zach would let him punch him if that meant he could see him in real life.

Then, Zach started laughing. He couldn’t explain why if he had a million years to sort through the feelings. He was just laughing, curling into a ball on his bed. Tears began falling from his eyes, but he kept laughing. Zach supposed relief was his major emotion right now, but there were too many feelings to name them all. Tiger got up to investigate. He was standing over Zach, sniffing at Zach’s face. Zach only laughed harder when Tiger’s wet nose tickled Zach’s neck. Zach rubbed Tiger’s head briefly and sat up, slowly composing himself.

Frankie was alive. He had a voicemail to prove it—a voicemail that really didn’t make any sense given the circumstances, but a voicemail nonetheless. He had to call him back. There wasn’t another option. Now that he knew Frankie was alive, calling wasn’t so scary. He didn’t care if Frankie told him not to call back; Zach would call back as many time as it took to get him on the phone. He pressed the button without anymore thought. The phone rang twice before someone picked up. 

“I said _don’t_ call back…so you call me twice. Sure, that’s the right response,” Frankie spit out angrily.

The tears were in Zach’s eyes again with a vengeance. He sobbed once. This was happening. Frankie really was alive. “Frankie. Where are you? Are you okay?” Zach asked. He was feeling a little frantic. He wanted to know everything all at once.

“What do you mean? I’m in Costa Rica, not that it’s any business of yours. Of course I’m okay. I don’t need _you_ to be okay, Zach. I’d have thought the years of silence would’ve made that clear,” Frankie retorted.

“How are you still in Costa Rica? Is Ari…” Zach’s voice trailed off. He couldn’t finish the question.

“I lost my goddamn passport. We were boarding the plane when I realized it. I only took the small bag I’d packed and my wallet and got a taxi back to town. It was too late to do anything about it, so I got a hotel room. My phone died after a few hours because I forgot my charger is in Ari's bag. We’ve been so busy that I slept in a little too late this morning. When I got up, I managed to convince the lady at the front desk to charge my phone. When I got it back from her, what do I see—some ridiculous text from you. Explain yourself Zach,” Frankie insisted.

“But, uh…Frankie, I-I, ugh, I do-don’t know what to say,” Zach sputtered.

Frankie made a disinterested grunt. “Zach, I don’t have time for this. I have too many things to do today. I’ve spent the last thirty minutes fending off memories of you and it has only made me angrier. I just managed to get myself ready and downstairs to get a taxi. Now I’m on my way to buy a new charger and get an emergency passport from the US embassy. I’m almost to the embassy. I want to leave tomorrow so I can make it in time to see Ari perform at the Grammy’s. But, really, this is none of your business. Zach, what is going on?” Frankie questioned.

“Holy shit, how do you not know? You haven’t seen the news. Frankie, find a news channel. Now,” Zach begged.

“Just tell me whatever stupid reason it is that you called Zach. I don’t have time to watch the news. Besides, it is all in Spanish. I don’t understand it anyway,” Frankie sighed, exasperated with this conversation.

“Frankie, please,” Zach pleaded.

“Zach! I don’t have time for this! I’m hanging up. I should’ve called my mom first anyway. It’s just that your text was the first thing I saw and I was so angry that I threw my phone deep in my bag, ignoring everything else after I called to tell you to kindly fuck off. I’m still angry; I haven’t calmed down. When you called back and I ignored it, I thought you’d take the hint. Clearly, I was wrong,” Frankie explained.

“NO! No, Frankie wait. Wait! I love you,” Zach interrupted. His fear of Frankie hanging up was almost drowning him. He paused, hoping for an answer. When he didn’t get one, he continued, “Frankie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell you this. Um…Ari…uh, Ari’s plane…it’s…it’s missing Frankie…it’s missing…”

It was still silent. Zach listened closely and all he could hear was Frankie’s breathing. No other sounds. Zach couldn’t stop himself. He wanted to remain silent, but he couldn’t. “I was so afraid you were on that plane and then Jon-Erik told me you were and I thought you were dead and I love you Frankie. I just—I love you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happening now and everything that happened before. Frankie, please say something. Please,” Zach breathed into the phone.

The silence stretched into an eternity. Zach would’ve sworn that he could live a whole life and die in that silence. It was thick and quiet and heavier than Zach ever thought silence could be. His heart was threatening to leave his chest. His head was heavy with too many thoughts and unsaid words. His stomach was twisted in knots, clenching in preparation for whatever came next. Zach wanted nothing more than for Frankie to speak. Anything. Anything at all would be wonderful.

On the other end, Frankie sat stunned. He tried to recall the night before, when he’d had to rush away from the airport. He’d been so angry with himself for losing his passport. It was such an inconvenience and one he really didn’t want to deal with right now—or ever really. Zach’s words weren’t processing. Ari’s plane missing? That was not possible. He refused to believe it. Zach was crazy. He was calling him up professing his love and rambling like an insane person. Frankie reached up and rubbed his face. His hand came away wet. He didn’t realize he’d started crying. He supposed he was in shock. 

Frankie thought about the words he needed to say and the actions he needed to take next very carefully. It was almost like this was a dream world. He needed to tread carefully unless he provoked some unseen danger that would pop out and get him. Very slowly, Frankie said, “Zach, I have to go.”

Zach thought Frankie sounded distant. Frankie was definitely inside his own head; he was just going through the motions. Zach could understand that. He’d probably do the same thing if he were in that situation. 

“I understand, but please call me back. Soon. Today. Promise me. Promise me, Frankie,” Zach implored. Zach was past the point of any shame. He didn’t care anymore. He would throw himself out there all the way. He needed to know Frankie was okay at all times. The only way he felt comfortable was if Frankie was talking to him. The thought of Frankie hanging up, even though Zach knew it had to happen, made Zach feel like he was about to be suspended in the air, unable to do anything until he had Frankie back on the phone. It was all too much. It was all too precarious and Zach was still so terrified. He’d already gone through the crushing loss once. He wouldn’t survive it a second time.

“Okay, I promise. I have to go,” Frankie repeated. 

“Okay. Thank you. I love you,” Zach reiterated.

“Bye Zach,” Frankie said. The line went dead before Zach could say anything else. He stared at the phone in his hand. He didn’t move. He couldn’t move. He just sat there, staring. The TV was still droning on from the other room.

Zach rubbed his hand across his face, wiping some tears away and trying to ground himself into this reality. Zach’s heart was ecstatic that Frankie was alive. Zach’s mind, however, was trying to figure out what to do next. This entire ordeal had brought up emotions that he honestly had never expected to feel again. He was sure he could never go back to a life with no contact with Frankie again. He was afraid of that. If he and Frankie started talking again, which seemed like a big ‘if’ given Frankie’s reaction on the phone, Zach wasn’t sure if he’d be able to keep things strictly friendly. Frankie had always made Zach see the lines as blurry—well, maybe a little more than blurry.

Zach wondered about Alison. He loved her. He was still pretty certain he loved her, but he had been lying to her and hiding a part of his past. He couldn’t continue to do that, clearly. Zach’s head was starting to hurt as he ran through different scenarios of how everything could play out. Zach grabbed his phone again, calling his mom.

Jill answered after a couple rings. “Zachary! I’m so glad you called. I thought I was going to have to come over there again today and make sure you weren’t drowning your sorrows in some horribly unhealthy way. I know this is hard sweetie. Are you feeling any better?” Jill asked.

“Ma…Frankie’s alive,” Zach breathed. It was still hard to say. Zach felt like if he said it too much, somehow it wouldn’t be true anymore.

“What?! I thought you said that Jon-Erik said he was on the plane,” Jill said.

“He was supposed to be. He lost his passport and couldn’t go. Then his phone died and it just sounds like he’s had a series of unfortunate events since yesterday evening…and worse, I had to tell him about Ari. He didn’t know. How could he not know? That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do…” Zach admitted.

“Oh…that does sound horrible Zachary. How did he take it?” Jill wondered.

“I don’t really know. I think he was in shock. He didn’t say much. I did get him to promise to call me back today. I hope he calls soon. I’m still anxious that something bad will happen or that none of this is real and I’ve dreamt up the last hour,” Zach confessed.

Jill replied, “Oh honey, I’m sure it’s real. It’s going to be very hard for Frankie and for Joan too. You’re going to have to decide how you want to proceed…maybe you should ask Alison what she thinks.”

Zach winced at the mention of Alison. He hadn’t told his mom he was lying to her. Zach took a deep breath before he mumbled, “Uh, she doesn’t know anything. I told her I was sick.”

“Zachary Rance! You cannot lie to your girlfriend about this. You have to come clean,” Jill demanded.

“I know Ma, I know. I just, I’m not sure how to have both Frankie and Alison in my life. I think I love Alison. I’m pretty sure. I thought I was over Frankie. Now, I don’t think I am—I never was. I can’t deny how I felt like everything was ending when I thought he was dead. I had so many regrets. I don’t want to live my life like that. I don’t want that regret later, because it’s not like it’s going to go away with more time. At least, I don’t think it will,” Zach reasoned.

“Well, I certainly can’t tell you what to do. You’re a grown man. You make the decisions you want to, but I will always love you. You will always be my little boy. Just don’t lie to anyone. It’s not fair to them and you know it. Okay?” Jill advised.

“Thanks Ma. I know you’re right. I’ll talk to her. I’m not sure what I’m going to say yet, but I’ll talk to her. I’ll keep you filled in on what is happening with Frankie. I hope he calls me back soon…I really need him to call me back soon,” Zach murmured. 

“Sounds good. I love you Zachary,” Jill reassured.

“I love you too Ma,” Zach answered. Zach disconnected the call. He stared at his phone for a while. The background was a picture of him and Alison. He felt guilty. This was the worst situation, but he could only blame himself. If he’d been upfront a year ago about his past or even just last night when his world suddenly imploded, things would be easier now. 

Zach decided he couldn’t deal with it now. He just wanted to relish the fact that Frankie was alive. Zach laid his head back on his pillow. He plugged his phone into the charger again and left it on the edge of his bed. Zach curled onto his side again, one hand resting on his phone, the other petting Tiger, who’d made a place for himself just inside the curve of Zach’s body. When he closed his eyes, Zach’s mind instantly took him back in time, to a 5-year-old memory of Frankie wrapping his arms around Zach. They were in the middle of Frankie’s apartment, during a party, when Frankie whispered that he loved him, leaving a kiss against Zach’s neck. Zach slowly drifted, lulled by many sweet memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worth it? If you didn't like chapter 4, hopefully I made up for it with this chapter. Let me know.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never feared the unexpected  
> Till I found myself in this peculiar place  
> Unaware of where I was headed  
> Oh, turns out it was your footsteps I had chased  
> Well I should know so much better than this  
> But you've occupied the center of my universe

It was a couple hours later when Zach began to stir again. The sun had gone down and it was dark outside. Zach’s room was shrouded in darkness, with the only light coming through the open bedroom door. The TV was still going in the living room. Zach hadn’t turned it off since he got AJ’s text the night before. Zach awoke with a slight ache in his left arm, which was stretched out to his phone that lay on the corner of his bed. Zach rolled onto his back, stretching his arms to try to get everything in working order again. Tiger was still sleeping next to him. Zach rubbed Tiger’s head as he used his other hand to detach his phone from the charger. He checked the screen quickly, making sure he hadn’t missed anything. There was nothing new on his phone.

Then, Zach was worried again. It had been about three hours since he talked to Frankie. Why hadn’t he called back yet? Zach was getting anxious. He didn’t like the idea of Frankie all alone, in a foreign country, dealing with everything. It was killing Zach that he didn’t even know where they stood right now. He just hoped Frankie would actually call him back like he promised. Zach wondered if it would be too much for him to call Frankie again. Zach sighed to himself, deciding that he needed to give Frankie more time. In all of Zach’s relief at finding Frankie alive, he’d kind of briefly forgotten about the horrible events that had already happened. Ari’s plane was still missing. Ari was likely dead. If Frankie needed time, Zach decided, he should give it to him. That didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt like hell. Zach was almost more anxious than he was before. He was itching to see Frankie. He wanted to be in the same room with him. He wanted to comfort Frankie. He wanted a lot of things including a very long discussion between the two of them, but he realized that today wasn't the day for that. Both he and Frankie had too many things going on. Besides, Zach wondered if this might just be a temporary side effect of the overwhelming relief he was still feeling. 

Zach caught himself staring at the picture of himself and Frankie that he’d placed on his bedside table. Zach studied their faces carefully. He hadn’t even looked at this picture in two years. Now, Zach just wanted to study every facet of it. He remembered with an ache that Ari had taken this picture. Zach shook his head a little, getting off of his bed and wondering back through the living room on the way to the kitchen. He got himself some water and went back to the sofa. The news wasn’t solely focused on Ari’s plane anymore. However, they came back to the story at least once every half hour or so. Zach wasn’t particularly interested in the other news stories, but he didn’t have anything else he could stand to watch, so he let it play anyway.

In Costa Rica, Frankie was sitting on a chair in the US Embassy. They had promised him a passport before tomorrow and he was waiting for it. He’d walked to a nearby store to buy a phone charger, but he came back immediately to wait. The office was normally closing right now, but the man who had been helping him asked him to wait just a little longer and they would have it for him in about thirty more minutes. Frankie was impressed with how fast they could get this taken care of. Certainly, his situation was helping move things along, but regardless, he was incredibly thankful.

Frankie was admittedly a little numb at this point. He wasn’t feeling too many emotions. He had already felt so many in the last few hours and he didn’t think there was room for any more. His heart was empty and broken. His head hurt and he couldn’t possibly fathom anything else. He’d been violently sick earlier in the day and he felt like his stomach was still too queasy to handle any water, let alone any food. He was admittedly getting a little weak, but he didn’t really have the energy to spare a thought for that. 

After Frankie had hung up with Zach, he’d been stunned and unable to do anything as he rode in the back of the taxi. He didn’t touch his phone for another 5 minutes, trying to collect his thoughts. Zach wouldn’t lie about this. Zach was many things, but cruel he was not. Frankie didn’t have the headspace to think about what Zach’s text and that phone call really meant. He couldn’t think about that right now. He’d pushed it out of his head surprisingly well. After composing himself, Frankie picked his phone up again and quickly went to the web browser. He had shitty reception in this country, but the closer they got to the embassy, the better it was. He read a quick news article about Ari’s plane. It was definitely missing and they didn’t seem to really know how or why. The article didn’t say he was on the plane, but he could understand why everyone assumed he was since he was supposed to be and then his phone was dead all night. 

Frankie called his mom as soon as he finished reading the short news article. No one answered. He called again. This time, she answered. She sounded frantic. She never sounded frantic. The thought hurt, like a knife being twisted in his heart. 

“Mommy?” Frankie asked. The tears were coming fast now and he hadn’t been prepared. He wasn’t prepared to hear her voice. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t want to explain how he’d watched his sister get on that plane and now he didn’t know if he’d ever see her again. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t, but voicing that thought would be too much to handle, so he kept it to himself. He was feeling an immense amount of guilt as well. He was supposed to be on that plane too. If he had been, then he wouldn’t have to deal with this now. This hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced in his entire life—he almost wished he’d been on that plane. That wish made him feel even more guilty and he wanted to take it back, but there is no way to take back a thought.

Joan had a million questions. Frankie did his best to answer them. He told her what had happened and explained why he hadn’t called earlier. For reasons he couldn’t understand, he chose to leave Zach’s part out of the equation. About five minutes into their conversation, Frankie arrived at the embassy. He'd paid the taxi driver and continued to talk to Joan outside before she realized where he was and insisted he go inside to get a passport. She wanted him to come back, immediately. Frankie wanted to be back too. He wasn’t even scared of flying on a plane. The chances were too slim for something to happen twice and so closely together too. All he wanted was to hold his mother. He could tell she was fighting to hold it together. She was a strong woman, but something like this could break anyone. If he was being honest, he hoped she would help hold him together too. 

Frankie was distracted from his thoughts on the day when the man called his name. His new passport was ready. He handed it over and Frankie thanked him profusely for staying late to get this done for him. He couldn’t express his gratitude enough. Frankie stepped out into the early evening streets of San Jose. There were more people than he expected. Frankie knew the general direction of his hotel and started to walk that way. After a few blocks, Frankie checked his phone, noticing the weak signal. It was unwise to walk back to the hotel. Frankie called the taxi service he’d called this morning and waited on the side of the street. He watched people walking home and wondered about their families. Had any of them lost a sister? Surely at least one of them had. How were they still functioning? Was it all just an act? Frankie was pretty sure that if he ever seemed normal to anyone again, it would just mean he was doing a superb acting job.

The taxi didn’t take very long to arrive. Frankie gave the address and sat silently in the back. He turned his phone over in his hands a few times, casually watching the world outside the window. He tried to keep his mind clear. He had twelve hours before his flight back. He was basically counting the minutes at this point. He couldn’t wait to see his mom.

When Frankie made it back to his hotel room, he was way too tired to think about anything. He threw himself across the bed, eyes closed, body exhausted. He tried to sleep, but with his eyes closed, all he saw were memories of Ari. He couldn’t handle it. 

He couldn’t think of a better distraction than whatever the fuck was going through Zach’s mind. What was this even about? Sure, Frankie had almost died. The thought made him shudder and feel guilty all at once, but Zach’s reaction was too much. They’d spent three years basically ignoring each other. It had been too hard to be just friends. They had never seen the line between friendship and romance. They crossed it frequently when they were in the same space. Even in simple conversations, they probably went beyond what most would consider friendly. Frankie had moved on pretty well. He’d had two pretty long-term boyfriends in the last three years. Each had lasted about a year. One had ended amicably. The other not so much, but that was neither here nor there at this point.

Frankie picked up his phone, considering calling Zach back. He’d promised to call him, but he wasn’t really sure why. Probably because he had a hard time telling Zach no, even all these years later. He didn’t know if he really wanted to talk to Zach. Frankie was halfway curious if Zach would call him back if Frankie didn’t call. If Zach never called back, then Frankie could forget the whole thing and keep himself from getting caught up in the whirlwind and heartbreak that always came with their relationship. Maybe Zach was exactly what he needed though. When things had been good, he’d never been happier. Normally, he’d consult his sister, but that wasn’t an option. That thought took a while to recover from as Frankie sat on the bed, allowing his tears to fall. 

Frankie thought about it for a long time. He even started a list of pros and cons in his head before he realized he was over thinking this way too much. It was simple. Did he want to talk to Zach? That was an easy yes. Should he talk to Zach? That was a more complicated answer and one that he was leaning towards ‘no’ on. Before Frankie could think about it too much longer, his phone beeped at him.

When he turned it over, he saw that it was a text from Zach. Frankie sighed heavily before he unlocked his phone to read the text. It was a simple message. Clearly, Zach was back to restraining himself now that he knew that Frankie was alive.

Zach: “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Call me if you want.”

Frankie supposed this was the worst and best decision he could make all at once when he hit the button to call Zach back. He had promised after all…

Zach practically jumped out of his skin when the phone rang. It was sitting on the coffee table in front of him. He hadn’t gotten used to Frankie’s picture appearing on his phone again. His heart had leapt into his throat as he picked the phone up, answering as quickly as possible. He didn’t care if he seemed desperate. Truthfully, he was.

Zach answered on the first ring. Frankie tried not to read into it. It didn’t mean anything. 

“Hello?” Zach asked. He was trying not to seem over excited about the call, but his heart was beating rapidly and he was having a hard time finding enough air to fill his lungs. He closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing as he waited for Frankie to talk.

“Zach. Hi. You wanted me to call you back?” Frankie questioned. It was hard to sound nonchalant about the whole thing. This was as far from nonchalant as it got and Frankie couldn’t hide it. He knew Zach would see through whatever he tried.

“Yeah…well, I mean…I hoped you’d want to talk to me too,” Zach divulged. When Frankie didn’t answer immediately, Zach continued, “I’m so sorry Frankie. I’m so sorry.” Zach felt the tears welling up in his eyes. His heart was breaking for Frankie. He didn’t know what to say. Really, what could he say? He couldn’t really fix anything. If anything, he was basically just a blast from the past that he wasn’t sure Frankie even wanted to talk to.

“Thanks,” Frankie mumbled, “It’s all very surreal right now. I just saw her last night. It doesn’t seem real. How is it possible that she was there and now she’s nowhere?” Frankie started to choke up. He was fairly certain he was going to fall apart and he didn’t want to do that with Zach. That would just be another complication he didn’t need. So, he stopped talking, pulling the phone away from his ear and allowing himself a minute, a few sobs wracking his body before he pulled it together again.

Zach didn’t say anything. He listened carefully, barely making out a few noises on the other end. He thought Frankie was crying, but he couldn’t be certain. Zach had a flashback of the last time he’d comforted a crying Frankie. Zach quickly blocked the memory. He couldn’t go there right now. He wanted to be support for Frankie, not a wreck in his own right.

When Zach heard Frankie’s breathing again, sounding regular and steadier, Zach asked, “Are you coming back? I want to see you. Can I see you? We could talk in person? I want to be there for you.”

“Zach…I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It’s been three years. Why change it now?” Frankie queried.

“Because I thought you had died. Try to flip the situation. How would you feel? Frankie, I have so many regrets. I don’t want to explain it on the phone…” Zach reasoned.

“I’m flying to LA tomorrow morning. My mom is in LA,” Frankie stated. He didn’t know what to do with this situation. His heart and mind were battling. He didn’t know which he wanted to win. It was all very overwhelming. It had been less than six hours since he’d found out his sister was missing and likely dead, plus his ex-boyfriend—was that even the right label?—was begging to see him again for reasons Frankie wasn’t even sure of yet. 

“Frankie, please, just give me a chance. Let me see you. I need to see you. So you’re flying? I wish you didn’t have to fly. Maybe that’s irrational, but I don’t really care. Frankie, I miss you. I miss you so much. I didn’t even realize how much I missed you, but I can’t ignore it anymore,” Zach pleaded, his thoughts all over the place.

“I’ll be in LA,” Frankie reaffirmed. If Zach wanted to see him, then Zach could make it happen. Frankie wasn’t trying to be uncaring, but he had other things to handle right now. His family was more important than Zach. 

“I’m coming to LA then,” Zach concluded. Zach was terrified to fly. He always hated flying before. Now, he was about to throw up just thinking about it. It would be selfish to try to get Frankie to come to Florida, and if he was serious about seeing Frankie again, he had to do it now. He was afraid that Frankie wouldn’t take him seriously if he delayed it. Or worse, Zach was afraid he’d back out again after all of his emotions had time to calm down. So, Zach did what he’s always done best—he acted impulsively. Zach was on his computer in no time looking up flights. “When do you get to LA?” Zach asked.

Frankie scrolled through his email on his phone, looking up the flight information that his mom had booked for him. “Tomorrow at 2 pm,” Frankie answered.

“Okay. I’ll get there the next morning. Give you a night with your mom and a day for me to handle things in Florida,” Zach admitted.

“What is there to handle in Florida?” Frankie asked curiously. Zach didn’t want to bring up Alison. It wasn’t the time. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do about that yet, but he knew he’d have to make a decision before he left. He couldn’t just leave and not tell her anything. That wouldn’t be right. 

“It’s nothing big. Just work and stuff,” Zach lied.

“Oh, okay,” Frankie conceded. He didn’t believe Zach, but there was no point in badgering him now.

“I booked the flight. I’m not booking a return flight. I’ll figure it out later. I’ll get a hotel near your place. Is that okay? Will you text me the address? I’m not sure if I still have it,” Zach mentioned, trying to be blasé. He failed. Frankie could tell Zach was nervous. Zach only explained every minor detail when he was nervous. Frankie might not have spoken to him in three years, but he knew him well enough to know that.

“I’ll text it. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I just, I need to be alone for a while,” Frankie admitted.

“Okay babe. Can you message me when you get on the plane and when you land too? And maybe during the flight if they have wifi…I want to know you’re okay. I just…I just need to know, okay?” Zach worried. Zach hadn’t meant to call Frankie ‘babe’ again, but it had kind of slipped out on its own.

“Zach, I don’t think you should call me ‘babe’…and yes, I will message you when I get on and off the plane. We’ll see whether or not it has wifi,” Frankie noted. 

“Frankie…I love you,” Zach whispered, ignoring Frankie's protest.

“I know,” Frankie acknowledged, “Zach…I, I just…I don’t know…”

“It’s okay. You will. You’ll see. I’ll see you soon _babe_. Text me tomorrow,” Zach asserted.

“I will. Bye Zachary,” Frankie ended. The call disconnected and Zach sat stunned for a minute. He hadn’t meant to be so aggressive with Frankie, but he supposed it was for the better. He wasn’t going to let Frankie push him away or ignore him. Talking to Frankie just made him more certain that he couldn’t live without him in his life any longer. He was hopeful despite his mind’s constant reminder that Frankie hadn’t seemed that keen on the idea of seeing Zach. But, Zach noted, Frankie had called him ‘Zachary’ and no one else called him that besides his family. Zach had always loved it when Frankie used it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more Frankie centric...for obvious reasons...and yes, I'm going to put Frankie on a plane...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got my heart in the right place  
> But that place is millions of miles away  
> And I suppose I never will know the perfect words to say  
> But I'll keep searching till they find me one fine day  
> I'd rather make sandcastles  
> Instead of these wide-world decisions  
> I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me, yeah  
> And I don't have a plan at all

Zach didn’t do much else for the rest of the night after he hung up with Frankie. He spent some time sorting through his clothes and picking out what to take to LA. He wasn’t sure how long he was going to stay, so he figured he’d just pack enough to fill his suitcase and figure it out later. This whole thing was certainly a rash decision on his part. He knew that. He didn’t want to think about it. It was easier not to think about it. He knew he’d have to deal with logistics and people tomorrow, but then he’d get on a plane the next morning and he’d get to see Frankie. He was going to see Frankie. It had been four years, but he’d be seeing Frankie in less than 48 hours. The suspense was killing him. If he could get away with it, he’d sleep through the remaining hours and wake up only once he’d landed in LA, but doing that would only cause him more problems. So, Zach went to bed early, putting off what he could until tomorrow.

Frankie woke up early the next morning. He supposed he’d slept, if you could call tossing and turning sleeping. He’d had continuous nightmares. One, in particular, had awoken him in a cold sweat. He’d been on the plane with Ari as the pilot was warning them that something was wrong and they were losing altitude far too quickly. Frankie could only remember parts of the nightmare now, but he knew it had felt all too real. He stayed up for a while after that, contemplating his life, where he would go, and what he would do now. Certainly they weren’t just going to magically find Ari alive somewhere. The plane was missing and Ari along with it. He would probably stay with his mother. Wherever she wanted or needed to be, Frankie would follow. He didn’t have any jobs lined up right now, which was probably for the best given the circumstances. Frankie’s mind turned to the idea of a memorial for Ari and he broke down crying in this bed, in a foreign country, all alone and too far from anyone he loved. It had, without a doubt, been the worst night of his life.

Now, Frankie was awake before his alarm was even set to go off. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to be early to the airport, so he got up and showered. He was packed and ready to go in no time. He called for a taxi and arrived at the airport a solid three hours before his flight was to depart. Even though he wasn’t really feeling any better, at least he could people watch at the airport. Frankie kept one eye on the clock and the other on the people milling around the airport. He found himself attributing stories to each one. It was a surprisingly effective way to pass the time. 

When they were finally calling to begin boarding his plane, Frankie grabbed his phone, texting his mother and a few of his friends. Some of his friends had flown to LA to be with Joan after the news hit. Most of them had made the flight before they knew Frankie was not actually on the plane. Frankie made his way on the plane. Frankie had a brief flashback to watching Ari get on her plane just two nights ago and he had to take a minute, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing. He wasn’t worried about this flight. He kept reminding himself he wasn’t worried—even if he was, just a little. He wouldn’t admit that to anyone. 

Frankie found his seat, stowing his carry-on above his seat. He was going to try to sleep, even though he was unlikely to succeed in that attempt. Frankie was about to turn his phone to airplane mode when he remembered that he’d promised to text Zach too. It was weird to think about texting Zach. Sure, the situation was a little different now, but Frankie had always tried to keep Zach out of his mind over the last few years. Zach would still pop into Frankie’s mind on occasion—especially if he saw an old picture from Big Brother or met a fan who would mention him.

Frankie looked at his phone for a while, trying to decide what to text. Finally, he sighed loudly to himself, annoyed that he was agonizing over a text that should be very simple. He typed it out and sent it without thinking about it much longer. 

Frankie: “I’ve boarded my plane. 6 hours to LA. No wifi.”

Zach’s phone woke him up as soon as Frankie’s text arrived. He sent back a reply immediately. Frankie had been about to put his phone on airplane mode, but before he closed out of the messaging window, he saw Zach was answering, so he waited for the reply.

Zach: “Okay. Please text me when you land. Be safe. I love you.”

Frankie felt himself smiling at Zach’s response and quickly shook his head. He didn’t have time for this. He put his phone on airplane mode and put it away, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes, hoping for sleep to win out over his mind during the flight.

Zach was wide awake after Frankie texted him. He was anxious. Knowing Frankie was on an airplane somewhere in the world made him nervous. He knew that the chances of anything happening were insanely slim, but he was still on edge. Zach stayed in bed for an hour before he decided he had to do something else, so he texted Peyton, asking him to meet at the golf course. Sure, Zach would play horribly since he was tense, but at least it would get him out of the apartment.

Zach and Peyton ended up just hitting balls on the driving range. Peyton didn’t ask Zach about Frankie and Zach had never been more grateful for his little brother. Instead, Peyton filled the empty spaces with stories from his golf team and other kids at school. Zach listened for the most part. He only checked his phone on occasion, mostly to see if anything weird popped up on the news. 

After almost two hours, they headed back from the range. Zach asked Peyton if he could drive him to the airport tomorrow morning. Peyton eyed Zach suspiciously before he finally asked, “So, are you going to see Frankie?”

“Yeah. I’m going to LA tomorrow. I haven’t told mom and dad yet. Don’t say anything. I’ll tell them today, okay? Just drive me to the airport tomorrow. Please,” Zach answered.

“Yeah, okay. I won’t say anything and I’ll drive you,” Peyton replied. He smiled at Zach and gave him a hug when they parted ways. Zach drove home. He was feeling a little more relaxed until he pulled up to his apartment and saw Alison’s car. _Shit_ , Zach thought. He had planned to text her this morning, but he’d gotten distracted. Now he wasn’t ready for this. He was going to tell her to come over later and he’d have some time to gather his thoughts. He was better at speaking about feelings when he was prepared.

Zach took a minute in his car, trying to prepare what he ultimately needed to say. It was hard; Zach didn’t like any of the wordings he kept coming up with in his head. They either felt too cold or they were too optimistic. Eventually, he gave up and made his way up the stairs to his apartment slowly. Alison had a key, so she was probably inside. He checked the door and it was locked. He unlocked it, took a deep breath and walked inside. Tiger greeted him immediately, nearly knocking him backwards. 

Zach plastered a smile on his face and tried to act natural when he looked over to see Alison sitting on his couch. She gave him a tight smile and got up to greet him as well. “Hi baby,” she said as they hugged. She placed a peck on his lips and Zach smiled at her, moving away towards the couch as soon as he could without seeming entirely awkward. She followed, taking the same seat again. Zach looked back at her. She was beautiful. She had long, flowing blonde hair and shocking blue eyes. Zach couldn’t help but notice how amazing her body looked in the tank top and shorts she was wearing. Zach admired her for a second before realizing he was kind of ogling her. He looked up to see a knowing smile on her face and he blushed. 

He stood up faster than he intended, walking backwards towards his room as he talked. “Hey! I was going to text you to come over today. I’m happy to see you. I just finished golfing with Peyton. Do you mind if I take a quick shower?” Zach rushed. The words were coming out faster than he intended. He hoped she couldn’t tell that he was nervous.

Alison replied, “Okay. Um, are you okay? You seem like you’re not sick anymore, but you seem…I don’t know…anxious, maybe?”

“No, I’m fine. I just really need to shower. Order a pizza for us, okay? I’m starving,” Zach said, trying to keep calm. He pulled his wallet out and walked back towards her, dropping in on the coffee table before turning away, walking quickly for the bathroom. He shut the bathroom door firmly and locked it. He normally didn’t lock the bathroom door just for Alison, but he had to today. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and set it carefully on the bathroom counter. Frankie was about four hours into his flight. There still wasn’t anything new or unusual on the CNN mobile site he kept checking.

Zach stripped quickly and tried to use the hot water in the shower to calm his nerves. Was he doing the right thing? Was it better for him to give up this great thing for the chance at something else? He couldn’t be sure. All he knew for sure is that even though he could probably attempt to go back to life as it had been before, he feared it would always feel forced. More than that, he feared when the other foot would drop and he’d be filled with regret. He tried to steel his nerves in the shower. He was going to do this.

He’d never been good at things like this. He was certain he was going to make a mess of things, but maybe that was better for Alison anyway. He was a mess. Zach hadn’t been this much of a mess in four years. She deserved better. She was an amazing person and really quite the catch. Zach stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out. When he got out, he found clean clothes in his room and quickly tried to remind himself that he was doing what had to be done and that this was the only thing he could do without making himself even more of an ass than he already was.

Zach grabbed his phone, returning to the living room. Alison had turned on some chick flick that Zach recognized, but didn’t know the name of. Tiger was curled up next to her, enjoying the attention. Alison patted the couch on the other side of her, asking Zach to join her. He did, taking the spot and feeling Alison leaned back against him. It felt wrong. Zach felt guilty. He was feeling horrible for hiding something like Frankie from her for so long. Sure, she knew they knew each other. She probably even knew they’d flirted on the show. Chances were she’d looked up a little something about Zach after she learned he’d been on Big Brother after a few weeks of dating. To her credit, she only mentioned it once, asking if they were still friends. Zach had told the truth, but ignored the past, when he told her they hadn’t spoken in two years and they were no longer friends. 

After only a few minutes, the pizza arrived and Zach got up to get it. He pulled out plates and carried a piece to Alison. Tiger had moved to a spot on the floor while they sat eating. After she finished her piece of pizza and declined a second one, insisting she’d already eaten lunch earlier, Zach decided it was now or never. So it had to be now. 

Zach reached over on the coffee table for the remote. Only then did he notice the remote was working again, Alison must have put the batteries and plastic cover back in place because Zach knew he didn’t. Zach hadn’t even turned the TV off when he left to meet Peyton…so Alison knew he’d been watching the news too. Zach turned the TV off and turned to look at Alison. She was looking back curiously. She knows something is up is all that Zach could think. He dropped the remote again before turning his body to face her.

“Ali…I-I have to tell you something. We have to talk,” Zach started. Ali nodded at him to continue.

“So, you remember how I was friends with Ariana Grande’s brother, Frankie, back when I was on Big Brother?” Zach asked. She nodded in agreement. Zach continued, “I assume you heard her plane has gone missing and that she’s well, she’s likely gone?” Alison nodded again and reached for Zach’s hands. He let her take them because he didn’t know what else to do.

Zach swallowed and took a second, trying to figure out where to go next. He looked in Alison’s eyes and felt like they were probing him. He couldn’t hold her gaze as he looked down at their hands. He dropped his hands to his lap, closed his eyes tight, took a deep breath and looked back up, staring at her forehead instead of her eyes as he spoke. “Well, I was terrified that Frankie was on that plane and then his friend called to tell me he was. I was in a dark place. I felt like the world was crashing down around me and I had too many regrets. It hurt. A lot. Anyways, turns out he wasn’t on the plane. When I finally spoke to him again, I knew. I knew I couldn’t continue my life without him in it. Truth is, we had a complicated relationship. I know I told you we were only friends. Truth is, I was in love with him. He was in love with me. We couldn’t make it work. I’m such an asshole for never telling you all of this,” Zach confessed.

His eyes flicked down to see her face. She was hard to read. It looked like her eyes were watery, but her mouth was a hard line. Her hands were clasped together in her lap and she seemed to have leaned away from him, just a bit. Zach knew his own eyes were full of tears and he wiped them quickly to prevent their actual escape. Zach felt awful. He couldn’t believe he was doing this right now. He tried to remind himself of the jolt of electricity that he’d felt throughout his body when he first heard Frankie say his name yesterday. He remembered how his heart had been set on fire and how the longing he’d had to be with Frankie in that moment was overwhelming. It was still there, Zach could feel it whenever he allowed himself to think about Frankie, which was becoming more and more often.

Zach hung his head a little before looking up again. Now, he found that he could look in her eyes. He saw the betrayal in her eyes. It hurt, but he had to finish. “I am going to LA tomorrow—to see Frankie. I have to be there for him. More than that, I just need to see him. On my end, I am having some old feelings resurface. I have no idea what is going to happen. To be honest, he wasn’t that eager to see me, but it’s happening. I want you to know that I've always enjoyed my time with you and everything I ever said or did was genuine. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I wish that things were happening differently. It’s not fair for me to keep this going when I’m not sure where I’m going right now. If later I realize what a huge mistake I’m making right now and I show up on your doorstep, begging for a second chance, I hope you will have moved on and be happier than you have ever been. I truly care for you. I want nothing but the best for you. I just don’t think I qualify as that anymore. I’m so sorry,” Zach concluded. This time, he allowed the tears to fall before he wiped them away.

What happened next was a blur for Zach. Alison was yelling at one point and then she was crying. Zach tried to comfort her, but she pushed him off. She angrily pulled out her key ring, throwing her key to Zach’s apartment on the coffee table and pushing her way past Zach to the door. All he could do was repeat that he was sorry; he didn’t have the ability to process what she was saying right now. At the door, she turned and said something that Zach wouldn’t soon forget. “You didn’t have to lie to me. I just wish you hadn’t lied to me,” she’d said before she turned away. When she was gone, Zach shut the door and returned to the couch. Tiger was standing nearby, his head turned curiously with an occasional whine. Zach couldn’t bear to think about all the things she’d said to him. Some were hurtful, others were just plain truthful. Zach took comfort in the fact that at least it was done now. He’d come clean. He’d said everything there was to say and he’d done it truthfully—finally.

After a few minutes, Zach got off the couch. He checked his phone again for any news. There was nothing new. Frankie should be arriving in LA soon, Zach thought. He walked into his bedroom. He grabbed the picture of him and Frankie off of his bedside table. He wondered if Alison had seen it here before he'd gotten home, but he'd never know the answer to that question. Zach laid on top of his bed, Tiger joining him a second later. Zach carefully set the picture back in its place before he rolled onto his back. He checked his phone again, noticing the background picture. He felt a pang of guilt again. He quickly changed it to a recent picture of Tiger before he set his phone on his chest and closed his eyes, trying to unwind a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do y'all think about how Zach handled that? We're getting closer...


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rock-a-bye my baby, Don't be blue tonight  
> Oh I am on my way and I'm gonna make it right  
> Cause I've got the feeling you'll be needing love  
> And of all the lonely hearts you're the one I'm thinking of

Frankie woke up with a jolt as his plane landed on the runway in Los Angeles. His vision was blurry and his mouth felt dry. He yawned as he got his bearings. It took only a second for him to be thankful to be on the ground again. He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes and stretched as much as the small seats would allow without invading his neighbors personal space. He wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he figures it was about halfway through the flight. He was incredibly thankful for the sleep, even though he was now discovering a new crick in his neck. It was a small price to pay for sleep, which was now at a premium.

Frankie went through the motions of grabbing his carry on and departing across the jet bridge. He was doing his best not to think about what comes next. He was going to see his mom soon. The idea was wonderful and horrible all at once. He supposed it was the definition of bittersweet. He needed her more than ever, but he was showing up missing a vital part of his family that he still feels like it had been his duty to protect. He should’ve been on that plane with her. Some weird twist of fate had kept him off that plane and he hated it in a way. He was grateful to be alive, but he felt so incredibly guilty. He knew even if he was on that plane that he wouldn’t have been able to stop whatever happened to it, but at least she would’ve been with him.

Frankie took a moment in the bathroom before he headed to baggage claim. He stood in front of the mirror, reflecting on the events of the past two days and lamenting the enormous bags under his eyes. His eyes were still bloodshot from crying the night before plus his current lack of sleep wasn’t helping anything. He didn’t really care how he looked, but he didn’t want to worry his mom or his friends. He was always the strong one in situations like these. He wanted to be that again, but he wasn’t sure he could do it this time. It was a strange feeling. Frankie splashed some cold water on his face. He hoped it would help wake him up and get him going. Even if he had to put on a false cheery face, he didn’t want to be depressing. It just wasn’t him. He was having a hard time reconciling the battling factions in his head. 

Frankie took one final glance at the mirror as he walked away. He was haunted by his own eyes—so similar to Ari’s. He walked quickly to baggage claim. The faster he got his bags, the faster he could get home and the faster he could see his mother. He might turn into a crying mess in her arms, but at least he’d be in her arms. 

As Frankie was arriving in the baggage claim area, he heard his name in a familiar voice. He glanced up, his eyes meeting immediately with his mother’s. He couldn’t help the tears that welled up the instant he saw her. She looked like she’d been crying. Her eyes were red rimmed. Frankie dropped his carry on as he walked toward her, her arms open. He didn’t care anymore. Any worries he’d had about being strong left in an instant. This was his mother, this was home, and this was all he had left. He collapsed into her arms, already sobbing by the time he reached her.

Joan held Frankie close, the tears falling freely from her eyes. She kissed the top of his head, rocking him slightly in her arms. Frankie didn’t say anything. He didn’t have any words anymore. Besides, what was the point? There was nothing left for him to say. He’d told her his story already, he was out of useful information and any words just muddled the overwhelming feeling of loss he was having right now. Frankie wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, but he figured it was more than a few minutes before he stopped crying and gathered himself. He wiped his eyes, pulling his head up to look at his mom properly. She smiled at him softly, kissing his forehead before she said, “I love you.”

Frankie gave her a weak smile, his voice gravelly as he managed to squeak out, “I love you too.”

It wasn’t until Frankie finally let go of his mother and looked around a little bit that he noticed his friends nearby. Jon-Erik, Strigs, and Dominic were there with Joan. Frankie thought that maybe he should be embarrassed, but he wasn’t—not at all. Frankie managed to hug each one, lingering a little bit longer in each hug than he normally would. Hearing each of them tell him that they were sorry was strange. It didn’t feel right. He understood the convention. He’d participated in it himself when others had lost loved ones, but he’d always hated it. It doesn’t even come close to expressing the right emotions, but there never seems to be anything else to say. 

Frankie broke away, walking to the carousel to grab his bags. Jon-Erik went to help him while Strigs retrieved Frankie’s carry-on from a few feet away. After Frankie had his bag, they made it into the back of the limo that had brought them to the airport. Frankie sat between his mother and Strigs, resting his head on his mom’s shoulder. He held one of her hands between both of his, as the car started moving. He closed his eyes, feeling a mix of emotions that he didn’t want to sort through. His eyes didn’t tear though. He supposed he’d run dry at this point, but he knew they’d be back.

A few minutes into the drive, Frankie sat up straighter and looked ahead, watching his friends talk quietly. Joan was listening to the conversation. It was a light conversation, nothing serious and nothing important. Frankie felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out, seeing a text from his friend Paul. Paul was on his way to LA, he’d be leaving later today from New York. Frankie responded to the text. After he answered, he noticed Zach’s messaging thread as the last one he’d used before Paul’s. Frankie opened the messaging window, preparing to text him about his arrival. 

Strigs looked over Frankie’s shoulder, reading the name at the top of the screen. Her eyes went wide. She looked over at Frankie who didn’t notice. He was too lost in his head, figuring out how to respond. At the end of Zach’s response, he’d told him he loved him again. Frankie wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t want to be cold, but he also didn’t know how not to be. The whole thing was a little crazy and he was having a hard time processing this along with the loss of Ari. 

Strigs nudged Frankie a little bit and he looked up at her wide eyes. Her eyes darted down to Frankie's phone and then back to his face. Frankie had a moment of fear. He didn’t want anyone to know. He glanced at the words on the screen again. None of them indicated that Zach was coming to LA too. Internally, he felt himself relax a bit. He wouldn’t say his friends hated Zach. Hate was a strong word. They were not fans though, that was for sure. Lauren was probably Frankie’s biggest protector and he didn’t want to deal with this so he just waved his hand in the air, hoping to indicate it was nothing. Lauren chose to let it go, for now.

Frankie typed a really quick reply when he noticed Lauren had returned to the conversation between Dominic and Jon-Erik. Lauren had purposefully looked away, not wanting to snoop where she wasn’t wanted.

Frankie: “I just got back in LA. I’m in a car on my way home with my mom and some friends. What time does your flight get in tomorrow?”

Zach was lying in bed when the text came through. The vibrations from his phone on his chest made him jump a little bit. He wasn’t asleep, but he had been drifting. His eyes hurt from crying earlier over the conversation with Alison. Zach smiled at the text. Frankie was okay. He’d made it home and he was okay. Almost as important, Zach would be seeing him in less than a day. Zach typed out a response immediately.

Zach: “I’m so glad you’re home and you’re safe. I will be arriving around noon. I was just going to take a taxi directly to your place if that’s okay? I’ll check in to the hotel later.”

Frankie felt his phone vibrate in his hand and checked Zach’s response. It was a little more restrained than previous texts. He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse. On one hand, there was less anxiety, but on the other hand, he was disappointed. He was angry with himself for being disappointed. He didn’t want to go down this road with Zach. Not right now. It was not the time. 

Frankie simply answered, “Yeah, that’s fine.”

Zach thought for a minute about how to respond to that, but ended up just saying what he wanted to say.

Zach: “Great. I can’t wait to see you. I’ll let you know when I’m on the plane. Call me if you need me. I love you.”

Frankie looked at Zach’s response quickly. He didn’t want anyone else to read it. He didn’t respond. He just put his phone back in his pocket. Zach was not being shy. Frankie wasn’t sure what that would mean when Zach was finally in the same space as him for the first time in four years. Frankie was nervous about it. He felt his heart race a little faster when he thought about it for too long. 

Zach rolled over in bed, petting Tiger for a little bit before he decided he better call his mom. It was time to let her know what was happening. Sure, he’d discussed some feelings with her earlier, but he’d made decisions now. Things were happening. He didn’t think she’d be mad, but she’d probably be disappointed about Alison. She really liked Alison.

Zach dialed the number, waiting for her to answer. She answered after a few rings. She sounded a little frazzled. He checked the time and figured she must be making dinner. “Hey Ma. Making dinner?” Zach started.

“Yeah. How are you doing? I’m glad you called,” Jill answered.

“I’m doing a little better. I, well, I’ve made some decisions. So at least I have a clear path right now,” Zach confessed.

“What does that mean?” Jill wondered.

“I’m going to LA tomorrow, Ma. I’m going to go see Frankie. Don’t worry, I already got Pizzle to agree to take me to the airport tomorrow morning,” Zach stated, trying to sound confident. He was a little nervous, but he felt like he needed to own the decision so that Jill would respect it—especially when he confessed that he’d ended things with Alison.

“Oh, really? You haven’t seen him in four years. Are you sure you want to do this? This seems rash,” Jill questioned. It wasn’t accusatory or judgmental. Zach knew she was just trying to make sure Zach had thought about this, which truthfully, he’d thought very little about it. This was all gut instinct and need, less planning and philosophy.

“Admittedly, it is. Truthfully, Ma, I don’t want to think too much about this. I over thought my relationship with Frankie all those years ago and all it left me with was one less friend and a freight train of regret when I thought he’d died. So, I’m going to do it differently this time, even if it is a little reckless,” Zach conceded.

“Okay. You’re a big boy Zachary. I will support whatever decisions you make because I love you, unconditionally. Um…what did Alison say about all of this?” Jill worried.

Zach was more than a little nervous now. His stomach clenched, causing an ache he tried to ignore. He hated disappointing his mom and he felt like the Alison portion of this situation was going to do just that. “Well, um, I talked to her about it. I explained some history and talked about what happened and…well, it’s only fair to her that we end things. I can’t promise anything to her anymore and I don’t know if I will ever be able to. I hope you’re okay with that. I know you liked her a lot. I did too. She is still the best girl I’ve ever known. I just—I have to see what happens with Frankie. I can’t go on without him in my life and I’m not sure what form that is going to take at his point. I’m not sure what form I even want it to take yet. I have to see him,” Zach rushed. Again, he talked faster than he’d wanted to, but he was sure his mom was used to that by now. He always did it when he was nervous.

“Zachary, take a deep breath. Sure, I’m a little sad. I mean, I did…I liked Alison. That doesn’t mean I want you to sacrifice what makes you happy. If this is something that you feel you need to do right now, I support you,” Jill reassured Zach, “So, Frankie wants to see you too?”

“I’m not really sure. He’s a little distant right now. I’m not sure how much of that is me and how much of it is Ari. I know this is basically the worst timing ever, but I have to be there for him now and I’d like to be there for him for longer than that. I guess we’ll see what happens,” Zach admitted. 

“Okay sweetheart. Do you want to come over for dinner?” Jill offered.

“No, I have pizza here. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow. I’ll see you when I get back,” Zach said.

“Not so fast mister. You don’t think I’m about to let you get on a plane and not see you. You must be crazy. Peyton and I will drive you to the airport tomorrow. I’ll see you in the morning. Text me your flight information,” Jill instructed.

“Okay Ma. I will. Thank you,” Zach said.

“Of course. I love you,” Jill stated.

“I love you too. Bye Ma,” Zach replied, disconnecting the call.

Zach finished packing that evening. It wasn’t hard. He just stuck a bunch of his favorite clothes in the suitcase until it couldn’t hold anymore. He had never been an expert packer. A stuffed suitcase of chaos always seemed to do pretty well for him. He wasn’t focused enough to go beyond folding his clothes to fit. When he was done packing, he figured he better go to sleep. His flight was really early and he hadn’t slept very well lately. He climbed into bed, Tiger already asleep at the foot of the bed. Zach reread his texts with Frankie. At least he’d asked when he was going to get there. Zach hoped that meant that he was at least kind of looking forward to seeing him. 

Zach lay awake for a while, feeling a little anxious about the next day. He was looking forward to seeing Frankie. Even if the circumstances weren’t so great, at least he could see him. He wanted to be there for him. He just hoped Frankie would allow it. So far, Zach didn’t really have any idea what was actually going through Frankie’s mind. Zach rolled over, gazing at the picture of them on his nightstand. He reached for it. He folded it in half, along the same crease that had been pressed for years. He got out of bed just long enough to slide the picture into his suitcase. He returned to bed trying to keep a clear mind and falling into repeated bouts of fitful sleep.

Zach woke easily when his alarm went off. He’d set it with just enough time to shower before Peyton and his mom would be there. Zach ran around his apartment, hastily getting dressed for the flight and searching for the boarding pass he’d printed the night before. He grabbed his suitcase, opening the door to his apartment just seconds after Peyton had texted to say they were outside.

The car ride wasn’t very long and fortunately Peyton and Zach filled the time with a very lengthy discussion of the upcoming golf tournament he was competing in. When they arrived at the airport, Zach gave Peyton a quick hug and intended to do the same with his mom, but she held him a little longer, kissing his cheek before he turned to leave. 

Zach didn’t have to wait very long before they were boarding his plane. He found his window seat and leaned back, preparing for a long six hour flight. He knew they’d be asking him to turn his phone to airplane mode soon. Even though he was likely asleep, Zach texted Frankie, turning it to airplane mode as soon as it was sent.

Zach: “I’m on the plane…on my way to you”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing left for me to do  
> Right and left both bring me to  
> The center of my deepest fears  
> Where the truth is oh so clear  
> Embracing inescapable truth  
> And that's facing up to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter you've been waiting for since chapter 5...I hope you like it...

The flight was longer than Zach remembered. Granted, the last time he’d flown out to Los Angeles was for the Big Brother 19 finale and that was almost two and a half years ago, but this was torture. He knew it’d be a long flight and he thought he’d prepared. He had plenty of music on his phone. He even had a book in his backpack that he’d carried on. It wasn’t enough. He spent most of his time biting his nails and staring out the window. He couldn’t focus. Eventually, his music made enough of a distraction for him not to pull his hair out. His mind kept turning back to how Frankie was going to react to seeing him again. He had a picture in his head of what he wanted, but he knew that it wouldn’t actually happen like that. He would have to accept that he could only control his own words, actions, and reactions. He thought about planning what he’d say, but he'd always thought he was better when he went unscripted.

When the plane landed, Zach couldn’t get off fast enough. He was crouching in his seat by the window, watching as the rows slowly emptied out until he could get off. He quickly grabbed his suitcase from the baggage claim and got a taxi to Frankie’s. In the taxi, he texted Frankie to let him know he was on his way. There was no response. There was no response from the text earlier in the morning either. It was noon in Los Angeles. Zach would’ve expected Frankie to be awake by now, but he chose not to read into it. Things were different know. Zach didn’t really know Frankie’s behavior, especially in this situation. Besides, he had the address. He didn’t really need a response.

Zach got decidedly more nervous when the taxi pulled up to the gate of the Grande’s neighborhood. He hoped that Frankie had at least added him to the list so he could get in. He didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t get in and had to wait for Frankie to answer him. Zach felt his heart beat a little faster than he’d like. He was trying to play it cool for the security guard who was being agonizingly slow about checking his list. Finally, he found Zach’s name and let them in. Zach sighed a breath of relief only to be replaced by butterflies in his stomach. It was happening.

The taxi pulled up to the front of their house. Zach had only been here once before. It looked familiar, but not overly so. The driver pulled Zach’s suitcase out of the trunk and Zach paid him before walking up to the front door. He had no idea who was here. Frankie had said “some friends” were there to get him at the airport. Zach was sure that more than a few of Frankie’s friends hated him—or at the very least, had a great distaste for him. Zach stood at the door longer than he probably should have. He was experiencing a strange mixture of fear and excitement. He couldn’t wait to see Frankie. The thought made him lightheaded, nervous, and quite frankly nauseous. On the other hand, he knew he’d be seeing more than Frankie. He was scared to see Joan. He just didn’t know what to say and he had no idea how she felt about him. When it came to Frankie’s friends, well, he’d just have to weather that storm when it happened.

Zach took a deep breath, holding it in as he pressed the doorbell. He exhaled slowly as he waited. It didn’t take long at all before the door was swinging open. He wasn’t even sure who he’d wanted to answer, but who it was probably wouldn’t have been his number one choice. It was Lauren. She opened the door, stopping mid-greeting with her mouth slightly agape and her eyes narrowing on Zach. Zach blushed. Lauren was probably the least likely to forgive Zach and the most likely to hold a grudge, even if the “break up” had been mutual. 

“Hi. Uh, I’m here to see Frankie,” Zach managed to squeak out.

“Well, does he know you’re coming? I mean, I knew he was texting you, but really? You’re going to show up now? What?” Lauren questioned.

Zach took a deep breath, looking down at his feet for a minute before he returned Lauren’s gaze. “Yeah, he knows. How do you think I got past the guard at the gate? Can I please come in? I need to see him. He should be expecting me. I told him I’d be here around lunch. Where is he?” Zach replied, craning his neck around her. He couldn’t see anyone else in foyer or up the stairs to the right. 

Lauren rubbed her hand across her face. Zach thought she looked exasperated, but he wasn’t about to turn around now. “We were up late last night Zach—all of us. We told stories and looked at pictures and just did the things you do when a loved one passes. He cried. We all cried. He seemed more cheerful when he went to bed though. He’s still asleep. He hasn’t come downstairs yet. Why don’t you wait for him to wake up? We don’t want to wake him,” Lauren suggested. She looked down, noticing Zach’s suitcase for the first time. She looked up, eyeing Zach suspiciously.

Zach could follow her line of thought and he quickly explained, “I’m not staying here. I have a hotel. I just wanted to come see him immediately. He knows. I told him all of this. I’m glad you helped cheer him up, but I’ve been desperate to see him. Please. At least let me go see if he’s actually still asleep or if he’s just hiding out in his room.”

Lauren glanced behind her, waving for someone to come to the door. “It’s not my house,” she said simply as she stepped away. The space in the doorframe was now filled by Joan. Her eyes were wide as she took in Zach’s sudden appearance. Frankie hadn’t even mentioned to her that he’d spoken to Zach.

“Zach, um, I don’t know what to say. How did you…why?” Joan said, seemingly speechless for the first time Zach could ever remember. They’d never spent tons of time together or anything, but Joan had never been at a loss for words.

Zach smiled gently. He felt tears springing into his eyes. He tried to keep his voice even as he explained himself again. He told Joan how he’d felt horrible when he’d heard the news and how he’d spoken to Frankie on Friday and made plans to see him today. He insisted Frankie knew he was coming today, right now, to be exact. Joan’s face was unreadable. Zach had no idea what she was thinking, but he noticed the redness of her eyes and the puffiness around them. She’d been crying—very recently. Zach wasn’t sure what to do with that knowledge, so he stayed quiet, waiting.

“Well, if he is expecting you…and clearly, he was, since he called the guard at the gate…I suppose you should see him. He’s upstairs. I think he’s asleep. We were kind of avoiding waking him. Do you want to wait?” Joan asked. Her face still didn’t betray any of her current emotions to Zach. He had no idea if Joan was actually okay with this idea or if she was just allowing Frankie to make his own decisions.

“Can I just go upstairs? If he’s asleep, I promise not to wake him. I’ll come back downstairs and wait until he’s up. I’m sure he needs the sleep,” Zach reasoned. 

Joan nodded at him before she slowly stepped back, opening the door for Zach. Zach wheeled his bag inside and left it just inside the entry. He dropped his backpack next to it. Before she could ask, Zach quickly added, “I have a hotel. I promise.”

Zach turned to look at Joan who was just watching him, her eyes following his movements. He wasn’t sure what to do, but he didn’t want to walk away without saying something more. Maybe it wasn’t the right time or the right words, but he quickly uttered, “I’m so incredibly sorry. I know those words don’t mean anything, but I am.” Zach stepped forward, hugging Joan before she even had time to react. The hug was over in no time as Zach pulled away, afraid to upset her or make her change her mind. “Thank you,” he added as he turned and walked up the stairs, taking two at a time. 

When Zach reached the landing, he took a few steps forward and stopped. He looked ahead at a door just to his right. Fortunately, he was able to remember which room was Frankie’s. He took a minute to himself, walking in a small circle and shaking his hands. He jumped up and down a few times. He wasn’t sure why he was acting like he was about to be in a competition, but the nerves he was feeling were on par with that. He walked up to the door, turning the knob quietly, hoping to open the door without making any noise.

As the door swung open, Zach’s memory of this room, Frankie’s LA room, came back. It looked like he remembered it. There may have been a few new decorations and some things had been moved or were missing, but overall, it actually looked very much the same. Zach’s eyes zeroed in on Frankie’s bed—particularly, the lack of someone being in it. Frankie wasn’t here. The bed was partially unmade, but Frankie wasn’t in it. Zach walked in a little further, standing in the center of the room. He looked closer at the pictures around him. This was definitely Frankie’s room. Where was he?

Zach opened the closet door—no Frankie. He turned around, opening the door to the attached bathroom after there was no answer to his quiet knock. Frankie wasn’t in there either. Zach stood in the room, feeling too many emotions at once. “Frankie?” he asked. He waited for an answer that didn’t come. Tears were sliding down Zach’s face now. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but all of the nerves and emotions were getting the better of him at this moment.

Zach walked out into the hall again. He left Frankie’s door open. He turned on the spot, looking for something—anything. Ultimately, his eyes caught on another door, slightly ajar. He walked to the door. He wasn’t sure whose room it was. He hoped it wasn’t Joan’s, but his curiosity and hope to find Frankie inside was too strong. He pushed it open. Instantly, Zach knew it was Ari’s room. His eyes were drawn to the small figure curled up on the bed. Zach stood frozen, watching Frankie breath from behind. Zach didn’t know if he was awake or not. Zach was betting not. He couldn’t help himself though; he had to see his face. 

Zach walked slowly around the foot of the bed, trying not to make any noise as he found his way through the room. When he made it to the other side, Frankie’s eyes were closed. His face was actually peaceful. Zach felt relief at that. Frankie was sleeping well—at least at this moment. Zach could feel his heart pooling in the bottom of his chest. He didn’t quite know what this feeling was. He didn’t know if he liked it or not, but he knew he didn’t want to replace it. Zach stood there, watching for a bit longer before he decided he should just let Frankie sleep like he’d promised. He didn’t want to, but it really was what was best for Frankie.

As he turned to leave, Zach forgot to look where he was going. At the foot of the bed, he accidentally stepped on something that squeaked. He looked down to see a pink dog toy and groaned internally when he heard Frankie begin to stir. Before he’d even turned to look at him, Frankie mumbled, “Zach?”

Zach turned, giving Frankie a weak smile. “Hi,” Zach whispered, “I didn’t want to wake you.” Frankie closed his eyes, stretching in bed. He didn’t say anything and Zach didn’t wait for more. He turned again, walking back to the opposite side of the bed and sat down quickly. Frankie felt the bed move and his eyes snapped open, watching Zach warily. Zach ignored the look in Frankie’s eyes, lying down on the bed, facing Frankie.

“Zach,” Frankie said. It sounded like a warning this time. Zach nodded and waited a beat to see if Frankie would say more, but he didn’t.

“Hey. I…I am happy to see you. It looks like you finally got some sleep. Lauren told me you had a pretty decent night last night,” Zach summed up lamely. He didn’t know what to say. All of this build up, and he had no idea what to say. Frankie just shrugged at him. Then he was rolling over. Zach was certain he was about to get out of bed. He wasn’t sure why he did it, but he reached out, pulling Frankie’s arm so that he was forced to face Zach again. He let go instantly when he saw Frankie’s face.

“Don’t touch me,” Frankie spit out.

The tone of Frankie’s voice and the look of anger on his face cut like a knife into his heart. The words seared into his chest—singed flesh with open wounds. The heat in his eyes made Zach look away. The tears returned to Zach’s eyes, making his vision blurry. He didn’t want to blink for fear that they’d fall. He couldn’t cry—not now. Zach recoiled onto himself, waiting for what was next, too afraid to say anything.

“I said I’d see you. I should've known better. You always cross the lines. I don't think you even see them. You don't think about what you do or say before you do it—even if it hurts others," Frankie accused. Zach didn't know how to respond. He imagined he looked like a deer in headlights. Frankie wasn't entirely wrong, but he only had good intentions here. He just wanted to be there for him. Zach felt wounded. He had tried to prepare himself for this, but the feeling of his heart cracking open told him he hadn't really been prepared. Frankie sighed before he continued, "I didn’t say you could crawl into my dead sister’s bed with me." Frankie had started out strong and callous, but the words trailed into a whisper. Zach chanced a glance up, seeing Frankie’s face contorting as tears began to fall. 

Zach definitely wasn't prepared for that. “Frankie…maybe…” Zach started.

“No. There…there was a news alert,” Frankie was sobbing now, his body shaking the bed. Zach didn’t move, waiting for more and still unsure how to proceed. Frankie continued in broken phrases, “few hours ago...on my phone…wreckage found…d-d-dead…”

Zach’s eyes widened at the news. He hadn’t seen the news since he got on the plane in Florida. Maybe he should’ve checked when he landed, but he was too wrapped up in his own anxieties to even think about doing that. Zach let the tears fall from his eyes now and he forgot why he’d been afraid before. He scooted closer to Frankie. Frankie was too lost in his own grief to notice until Zach had his arms around him, pulling his head to Zach’s chest. 

Zach knew Frankie would fight it. Frankie wasn’t one to go down without a fight. Frankie was still crying, unable to speak it seemed. Then Frankie was pushing against Zach’s chest, trying to break free, but he held on firmly, not allowing more than a couple of inches of separation before he’d pull him back. Frankie started beating against Zach’s chest. Zach weathered the blows, feeling the dull pain. It wasn’t as painful as the angry words Frankie had spoken mere minutes ago. At one point Frankie’s knee had landed painfully in the middle of Zach’s gut. Zach wanted to think it was an accident, but he couldn’t be sure. 

Frankie struggled for a few minutes. Zach wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing by refusing to let go, but he knew he was doing what felt right. Eventually, all of the fight seemed to leave Frankie. He dropped his arms and his body sagged against Zach. Zach saw his opportunity and pulled Frankie closer to him, keeping one hand on Frankie’s head, gently smoothing his hair. The other wrapped around Frankie’s back, holding him close. Zach whispered words to the top of Frankie’s head. 

Zach didn’t know how long they lay there before the shaking of Frankie’s body stopped. Frankie was struggling internally. He was so angry with Zach for bringing everything between them up again. He’d moved on. Now he was being forced to deal with both Zach and the loss of his sister all at once. He wanted to kick Zach out and hold him close all at once. The prevailing desire changed by the minute.

“Zach…” Frankie muttered, unable to finish the thought. He didn’t even know what he actually wanted to say yet.

“Frankie…is there really anyone else you want to hold you right now?” Zach asked, hope in his voice and fear hidden behind the sharp intake of breath that followed while waiting for an answer.

The answer didn’t come. Instead, Zach felt Frankie’s arms wrap around his waist. Zach sighed softly, watching Frankie’s hair move in the small breeze he’d created. Zach didn’t dare say anymore. After a few more minutes, he could tell Frankie’s breathing had slowed and become more regular. The hold on his waist was looser now. Zach closed his eyes, Frankie’s scent and rhythmic breathing lulling him to sleep as well.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause in the wreckage of heartache and hindsight  
> A new beginning starts to unfold  
> And if you let it, it just might save your life

It was a little while later when Dominic made his way up the stairs. He’d been nominated by Lauren to check on Frankie. He’d groaned internally at the task, but accepted it. He thought he’d find the pair of them awake in Frankie’s room since Zach had promised to come back if Frankie was asleep. However, when he pushed in the half open door to Frankie’s bedroom, his eyes were greeted with nothing. Now, he was slightly bewildered. Where were they?

He turned on the spot, noticing Ari’s bedroom door also partially open just down the hall and across from him. He padded quietly to the door, acutely aware of the somewhat eerie silence of the second floor. He pushed this door open too, revealing Zach and Frankie, sleeping and entwined on the bed in front of him. Dominic couldn’t help but smile at the sight and shake his head a little. He knew where this was going. Frankie probably didn’t even know it yet, but Dominic had seen them together enough to know what was coming. He just hoped it didn’t end in flames.

Dominic turned away, swinging the door back towards him as he made his way back downstairs to give his report. Zach woke up, catching the door swinging towards the doorjamb out of the corner of his eye. He considered briefly who could have been at the door, but he wasn't about to get out of Frankie's arms to find out. Zach was lying on his back now, Frankie lying halfway across his chest. Zach smiled to himself when he felt the weight of one of Frankie’s legs cast across his own. At least in his sleep, Frankie wanted this as much as Zach did. 

Zach had no idea what time it was. He checked the pocket that didn’t have Frankie against it and was thankful his phone was there. It was just after 1:30. They’d only been asleep for about an hour. Zach had no desire to wake Frankie. As far as he was concerned, Frankie could sleep on him forever and it wouldn’t be long enough. Zach flipped to the camera app on his phone, changing it to selfie mode. He thought maybe this was a little creepy, but no one had to know but him. He angled the shot until it showed both his and Frankie’s faces. He snapped the picture, analyzing it for a minute before he decided it was good enough. He studied Frankie’s face in the picture. It looked nearly identical to what Zach remembered from four years ago. Sure, he’d seen pictures and occasionally he’d seen Frankie on TV with Ari or hosting some red carpet, but it was different to see him up close. When he was done, he placed his phone on the bed next to him.

Zach tried to relax again. Frankie’s rhythmic breathing along with the increased pressure Zach could feel against his side with each breath Frankie took helped to soothe him. He turned his head toward Frankie, his chin nearly touching the tips of Frankie’s hair, and closed his eyes. Truthfully, Zach was still pretty exhausted. He just needed to turn his mind away from worried thoughts and he’d fall asleep easily. Zach heard a soft snore come from Frankie and he smiled. Frankie didn’t snore regularly, but occasionally it happened. Zach couldn’t help but fall into the memory of the first time he’d told Frankie that he had snored the night before. It was about a month after Big Brother had ended and Frankie had not taken the news happily. Zach drifted to sleep, reliving Frankie’s dramatics about how he could not possibly snore.

Zach awoke with a start at the sudden cool air along his right side. His eyes shot open, seeing Frankie standing above him, turning away and moving toward the door. Zach wasn’t certain but he thought he heard Frankie say “no”. Zach leapt into action, pulling Frankie’s arm again. He held his breath for a second, expecting to be greeted with more venomous words or a sharp slap across the face. Instead Frankie stopped, just turning to look at him. Frankie’s face looked long and his eyes were without the sparkle Zach remembered.

Frankie studied Zach’s face. He was trying to figure it out. Why was Zach trying so hard? What did it all mean? Sure, Zach would always have a special place in Frankie’s heart, but that was it. It didn’t mean that Zach would always be a part of his life. Frankie had accepted that fact years ago. He didn’t like how Zach was trying to change everything again and at probably the worst time in his life. So Frankie didn’t say anything, he just tried to read Zach’s face. It was harder than it used to be. He used to know exactly what Zach was thinking with the slightest shift of his eyes or twitch of a muscle. Now, that was gone. Zach wasn’t the same person. Frankie knew that, but it was still kind of surprising to see it in person.

“Frankie,” Zach started, taking a step towards Frankie. Frankie’s eyes looked wary and he took another step back.

“Zach…we shouldn’t. I can’t,” Frankie mumbled, tripping over his own words in a way Zach knew didn’t happen very often. Zach wondered if he made Frankie nervous, so he took another step forward only to be followed by a step back from Frankie. 

“I-I have to go downstairs. I should go see my mom,” Frankie muttered, the tears returning to his eyes as he remembered his family and what was left of it sitting downstairs. 

Zach could see the sheen of the tears in Frankie’s eyes and he didn’t want to keep him from his mother, but he had to ask. “Can I at least have a proper hug?” Zach breathed, wishing for Frankie to relent. Zach couldn’t help but love the sass when Frankie rolled his eyes and finally stepped forward into Zach’s open arms. Frankie’s arms wrapped around Zach’s back while Zach’s dropped easily around Frankie’s shoulders. Zach pulled him closer, inhaling deeply as he tried to memorize Frankie’s scent once again. 

“I love you,” Zach promised against Frankie’s ear, unable to restrain himself. Frankie’s arms squeezed tighter for just a fraction of second. Zach took it as Frankie’s response before Frankie pulled away, giving Zach a careful look as he turned to leave. Zach followed.

Once downstairs, everyone greeted Frankie warmly and he walked directly to his mother’s open arms. He sat next to her, curling his body against her side. She smoothed his hair as he held her tight. Zach watched the scene unfolding before his eyes. He was unsure what to do. He evaluated the room quickly; there was Joan and Frankie, then Strigs and Dominic, followed by Paul and Jon-Erik. Zach felt Lauren watching him. He looked at her and she looked away instantly. It was awkward. It was beyond awkward. No one said anything to him. 

Frankie was too lost in his own world with his mom to even notice. They were conferring together quietly, making sure that they each heard the news of the plane’s discovery and then they broke into fresh tears together. It was heartbreaking to watch and Zach couldn’t do it. As each of Frankie’s friends moved closer to comfort the pair, he turned away. Zach walked back towards the foyer and sat on the second to lowest step. He really felt like such an outsider. He’d expected this, but he didn’t think it’d be this bad. 

Zach felt the tears in his eyes as he gazed at the large framed picture hanging in the foyer—there were three women and two men. He’d never met one of the men, but he felt like he knew so much after sharing Frankie’s grief when he’d passed. Zach’s eyes darted to Nonna’s face. There were no words to describe Nonna. Her love, warmth, and wicked sass all made her one of the coolest grandmother’s he’d ever met. Joan’s face in the picture was loving and proud and Zach couldn’t blame her one bit for all of that pride. Frankie looked quite a bit younger. He had brown hair and his usual big smile, the small gap between his teeth proudly displayed. Zach loved it. Ari was so young in the picture. Her hair wasn’t even in the hairstyle that she’d later become known for. 

Zach couldn’t even fathom the loss. He’d cried over Ari before, but this made it so much more real. Zach momentarily imagined what he would feel if something horrible were to happen to Peyton. He shut that line of thought down immediately. It hurt like someone ripping his heart out of his chest. He couldn’t think about that. The empathy he felt for Frankie at that moment was more than he’d probably ever felt for anyone else. Suddenly, he didn’t care if it was awkward anymore. He stood up, walking boldly back to the living room. 

They’d all gotten closer now. Joan and Frankie were at the center with Lauren beside Frankie and Jon-Erik beside Joan. Dominic and Paul were standing behind them, their hands occasionally patting backs and rubbing shoulders. There wasn’t necessarily a spot for Zach, but he wasn’t going to just turn away again. He walked forward, ignoring the eyes that were watching him except for Frankie’s. Frankie didn’t look angry. He didn’t look like he was feeling too much of anything. The tearstains and redness of his face were all that Zach noticed as he approached. 

As far as Zach was concerned there was only one spot he’d even fit. He walked until he was directly in front of Frankie. Frankie was leaning into his mother, his right hand gripping hers. Lauren’s head rested on Frankie’s shoulder and she had an arm around his back. Zach looked directly in Frankie’s eyes as he slowly sat down on the floor between the coffee table and Frankie. Frankie didn’t even bat an eye at Zach’s choice. Zach leaned over, his body against Frankie’s legs and his head resting on Frankie’s knee. He didn’t know what he expected the response to be, but it was better than he could’ve hoped for when he felt a hand in his hair. When the fingers brushed past his ear, he felt the cool touch and knew it was Frankie. It didn’t matter what had happened just minutes before. Now, he was part of this group. With a single touch, Frankie made him feel like he belonged. Zach would deal with whatever lingering animosities existed, but for now, he belonged.

Frankie truthfully hadn’t even had to think about it. Zach put his head in his lap and Frankie stroked his hair. It was natural. It was comfortable. Frankie didn’t think about the bigger implications; he just did what felt right. He was too emotionally drained to deal with what everything meant. All he knew was that he was both receiving and giving comfort. That was a task he knew better than he wanted to. He felt a few of Zach’s tears fall onto his shorts. He didn’t overthink it. He’d have time for that later. Right now, Zach was a comfort of sorts and he was in no position to turn that away right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that didn't disappoint...next chapter will be more dialogue and interaction between the two...


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complications, conversations, late into the night  
> I'm over the same old 'hello, goodbye'  
> So leave me speechless, I miss that feeling  
> With each lonely evening that goes by, I can't describe

Zach spent the rest of the day at the Grande house. He tried to help Frankie wherever he could. In the afternoon, Frankie and Joan began fielding phone calls and making some of their own to extended family and family friends. They called a few of Ari’s closest friends, both famous and not. Zach sat nearby, listening to Frankie’s phone calls. He watched as Frankie choked up each time he had to explain that Ari was, in fact, dead. Zach tried to reach out and take Frankie’s hand the first time it happened, but Frankie waved him away. 

Zach was hurt at first when Frankie started to rebuff his attempts to console him, but he comforted himself with the memory of Frankie’s cool finger tips running through his hair just hours before. Zach wasn’t sure what to do when Frankie clearly wasn’t looking for his comfort, but he couldn’t walk away. He wouldn’t walk away again, no matter the amount of pain he saw etched on Frankie’s face or the sinking feeling in his own heart every time he heard Frankie utter the gut wrenching words. It was all pretty surreal for Zach. It was like this horrible nightmare. Sure, he had Frankie right next to him. That was amazing, but everything else was shit. The person that he would do anything to see happy was anything but that. 

Frankie didn’t know what to do with Zach. He wasn’t sure what he should allow Zach to do. It was too easy to fall back into old patterns with him and Frankie didn’t want to do that. Their old patterns had never lead to anything good. So, Frankie tried to stop the affectionate touches and keep his heart guarded. Besides, he had enough heartache right now. He didn’t need to willingly invite more in.

Ari was gone. It seemed to be a realization that was slowly hitting everyone in the Grande household. Periodically, each of Frankie’s friends would break into tears, walking away to hide them from Frankie and Joan. Zach watched it all, a keen observer of the day. Zach didn’t cry again, not after he’d allowed himself to cry into Frankie’s lap. He was there to help Frankie, not for Frankie to help him. 

As the afternoon wore on into evening, the house got quiet. The phone calls had been made and there was nothing else to do right now. Zach had overheard most of the calls that Frankie had made and everyone had the same questions. Would there be a memorial? Where would the memorial be? When would it be? Frankie told everyone he didn’t know. It seemed truthful because as far as Zach could tell, there hadn’t been any discussion about what happens next. He wasn’t sure if there should’ve already been a discussion or not. He’d never been involved in planning arrangements or any other sort of details of the death of a loved one.

Fortunately, Jon-Erik had arranged for dinner to be delivered and they all sat around the dining room table. It was quiet. Zach had managed to take the seat next to Frankie. He was sitting across from Lauren who kept looking at him curiously. Occasionally, he thought he would catch a different look in her eyes that he couldn’t figure out. She looked away every time he caught her eye. Dominic was probably the warmest towards Zach, while Jon-Erik and Paul seemed mostly unaffected by Zach’s presence. Joan was kind to Zach, not that he’d really expected anything less. She was always classy, but he knew she was a fierce protector too. Zach was pretty sure she’d eventually want to talk to him, but understandably, that wasn’t going to be today. It was uncomfortably quiet throughout the meal, even though Joan tried to carry on some conversations with Paul and Dominic. Zach noticed that Frankie didn’t really eat, but instead pushed his food around on his plate only taking a bite every so often. Zach was grateful when dinner was over.

Zach helped Dominic do the dishes and when he returned to the living room, Frankie was hugging his mother and waved goodnight to everyone, making his way to the stairs. For a moment, Zach stood, unsure what to do before he made up his mind. Zach followed Frankie. He wasn’t sure why he did it, other than he wasn’t ready to be separated from Frankie yet. Frankie seemed to notice Zach following him when he was halfway up the stairs. He paused for a minute, looking back at Zach who stood perfectly still, holding his breath, hoping that Frankie would just continue. After a few seconds, he did just that. 

Zach followed Frankie into his room. As soon as he stepped inside, Frankie shut the door. Zach turned to face Frankie again, ready to speak, but Frankie beat him to it.

“What are you doing Zach?” Frankie asked. It wasn’t said in a mean or irritated way. It was stated simply, a direct question, a curiosity. 

Zach froze to the spot, unsure of what to say. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, glancing up into Frankie’s eyes. Zach shook his head a little, shrugging before he spoke. “Frankie, I don’t exactly know. All I know is that I can’t live a life without you in it for another day,” Zach tried to explain.

Frankie regarded him for a second. Zach knew he was thinking, he could still tell by the look on his face, the way his eyes would gaze into the distance, not exactly focusing as he tried to sort out what was going on. Zach considered stepping forward, trying to grab Frankie’s hand or hug him or something, but he restrained himself. The last thing he wanted was for Frankie to run away.

“What does that mean Zach?” Frankie wondered, his eyes squinting as they looked back into Zach’s. Frankie wasn’t sure what was happening here. Zach had said he couldn’t live a life without him, but what did that mean? What did Zach really want? Frankie just wanted to know so he could process it the correct way. They’d never had a relationship that was anything short of confusing and he didn’t want that again. He was not in a place where he could deal with that.

Zach took a minute, thinking about how he wanted to word his next answer. He wanted to be one hundred percent truthful, but he also didn’t want to come off as a jackass who just showed up when Frankie was at his lowest point to try and win his love back. It was a fine line to say the least. “Frankie…it means whatever you want it to mean. The ball is in your court. You are calling the plays here and I will take whatever you give me. I won’t lie and say I only want a friendship. I want more than that. I love you. I’ve always loved you, even if I tried to deny it or thought that I didn’t at different points,” Zach said, trying to keep his voice steady and strong.

Frankie just looked at him. Zach wanted to stay quiet, to let Frankie answer, but he found himself rambling a little after the silence stretched just a bit too long for his comfort. “When I thought I’d lost you for good, I was a wreck. I know I told you this already, but I need you to understand. It opened my eyes in a way that probably wouldn’t have been possible before. I had unbearable regrets—regrets that would’ve haunted me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have any regrets when it comes to you. I want a relationship—any type of relationship with you,” Zach declared, his voice shaking a little at the end. He was afraid Frankie would reject him outright. That he’d kick him out and that Zach would never see him again.

Finally, Frankie opened his mouth. Zach’s breath caught in his throat, waiting for whatever was next. He’d tightened the muscles in his stomach, waiting to weather a blow in case that was what came next. Instead, Frankie just sighed loudly. Zach exhaled, watching and waiting, as Frankie seemed to gather himself again.

Frankie didn’t know what to say. He used to want this. He used to daydream about the moment that Zach came back to him, saying all the right words. Now, here he was, doing exactly that. However, it didn’t feel like Frankie had expected it to. He wouldn’t say it felt wrong, because that wasn’t it. Nothing between him and Zach ever felt wrong. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he wondered if it just had to do with the timing. The timing was off. That was for sure. Frankie didn’t know if that was all it was or not. He didn’t want to turn Zach away, but he didn’t want to fall into his arms either. He looked down at his feet for a few seconds, then looked up to see an expectant Zach, one of his hands running nervously through his hair while he waited.

“Zach, I just don’t know what to say right now. Can I think about it?” Frankie fretted.

Zach let out another long breath. It wasn’t a yes. It wasn’t a no. It was a maybe—a fucking maybe. Zach wanted to scream. He wanted answers now, but it wasn’t his place to demand them. It wasn’t the right time. He knew that. He really did. So, he reminded himself that Frankie needed time and that it was okay. “Yeah, of course you can,” Zach choked out, trying to sound nonchalant, like he would be okay with whatever Frankie wanted, even if that was the farthest thing from the truth.

“Okay, well, I am going to shower and go to bed,” Frankie commented, moving around the room, gathering a clean T-shirt and a pair of clean underwear from his drawer. Zach stood still, unsure what to do. Frankie stopped, looking at Zach again. “Why don’t you go to your hotel?” Frankie suggested. Zach nodded, swallowing thickly. He knew he was being dismissed and it hurt. He wanted to wrap Frankie in his arms and never let go. He was craving Frankie’s touch more than anything and he had no idea how to make it happen or even if he should try.

Frankie seemed to realize Zach was having a hard time moving and he walked up to stand in front of him. He reached out his right hand, grabbing Zach’s left hand in his own. Zach’s eyes shot up to look into Frankie’s. Frankie’s face was softer now. It was kind and Zach dared to hope that he saw love in Frankie’s eyes. Zach quickly interlaced their fingers and was relieved when Frankie didn’t pull away. Instead, Frankie stepped forward, his head resting against Zach’s chest. Zach quickly brought his free hand up to wrap about Frankie’s shoulders. It was only a few seconds before Frankie was pulling away again.

“Go to your hotel Zach. You can come back in the morning, okay? You’re on the list at the security gate until further notice. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Frankie explained.

Zach felt like he could breathe a little easier now. He could see Frankie tomorrow. That was okay. He could spend another night apart from Frankie. It wouldn’t be so hard. He had already done it for four years—what was another night or so?

It was hard. Paul had driven him to his hotel. Zach was thankful that it wasn’t awkward. Paul filled the drive with stories about what he was doing in New York and a little bit about Frankie’s latest endeavors. Now, he was lying in bed, eyes wide open and his mind racing. He felt the aches in his chest wall when he moved, the parting gift of Frankie’s blows earlier that day. He’d noticed just one bruise on the left side of his ribcage when he’d showered before bed. It wasn’t too bad. Zach didn’t really care anyway. He’d gotten to hold Frankie, to tell him he loved him, to try to explain what he wanted. Maybe the last part hadn’t gone so well, but he knew he’d be seeing Frankie again tomorrow and that was what really counted. 

Zach rolled over in the bed, the sheets twisting and he kicked at them until he was free again. He grabbed his phone off of the nightstand again. It was 1:23 am, only ten minutes later than it had been the last time he checked. Zach turned to his photos, once again looking at the picture he’d snapped of him and Frankie. He tried to close his eyes, pretending he was back there with Frankie in his arms.

Zach was slowly drifting, imaging Frankie pulling him close, his lips pressed to Zach’s neck when his phone rang in his hand. Zach saw the old picture of Frankie lighting up the screen. He answered quickly.

“Babe? What’s wrong?” Zach breathed, waiting for an answer.

“I can’t sleep. This is so fucked up. Everything is so fucked up,” Frankie mumbled. His voice was heavy and muffled. Zach thought Frankie must be crying.

“I know. I know it is. It’ll get better. It’s going to take time, but it will get better,” Zach tried to assure Frankie. He didn’t think he was very convincing, but he could hear Frankie sniffling on the other side. “Do you want me to come back? I’ll come over. Right now,” Zach offered, hoping Frankie would take him up on it.

“No, no. That’s silly. You stay there. I want you to stay there,” Frankie asserted.

“Are you sure? You know I could rub your back until you fall asleep,” Zach teased, his voice playful. Frankie actually laughed and Zach couldn’t believe how much he’d missed the sound of Frankie’s laugh.

“You are a lunatic…you always have been,” Frankie lamented.

“I’ll be whatever you need,” Zach said earnestly. He could hear Frankie sigh softly. Zach wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, but he didn’t want it to end. 

“I should let you go back to sleep,” Frankie stated. Frankie didn’t really want to hang up, but he didn’t really have anything to say. He wasn’t sure why he’d called Zach, but listening to Zach seemed to soothe him, so he supposed he’d done the right thing.

“Frankie, if you think I was asleep then you’re kidding yourself even worse than I am. I’ve been tossing and turning all night, wishing that I was with you,” Zach murmured.

“Yeah?” Frankie wondered.

“Yes,” Zach declared.

“Then stay on the phone with me. Just stay on the phone. We can sleep on the phone, yeah?” Frankie proposed. Frankie thought that knowing Zach was there in some form would help him sleep. He’d honestly slept better in that short nap with Zach than he had he last two days. He wouldn’t admit that to anybody, but it was true.

Zach jumped at the opportunity. “YES! Yes, of course we can. We can put it on speaker and then all you have to do is say my name and I’ll be here for whatever you need to say, okay? Seriously though, say the word and I’m there,” Zach agreed. He reached over for his phone charger, stretching it so that his phone was plugged in and laying on the pillow opposite of him.

“Good to know. Now go to bed Zachary. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Frankie said, his voice soft and low. Zach settled back into bed, more comfortable than before, listening to the silence that was overlaid by a slight static coming through his phone. Somehow, it was more comforting than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I don't know how much I can keep  
> Letting you unravel me  
> 'Cause the more you learn the more we share  
> We were worlds apart and you see  
> It was so much easier to be  
> 'Cause now I know what we can't have and it's so unfair

The morning light filtered through the sheer curtains over the window in Zach’s hotel room. Zach groaned and threw an arm over his face, trying to block out the light that was waking him up much earlier than he’d intended. He’d accidentally forgotten to shut the heavier curtain that would block the sun from his window—which unfortunately appeared to be facing east. It was only a few seconds later when his eyes shot open, remembering that he’d been on the phone with Frankie when he’d finally fallen asleep.

Abandoning any hope of further sleep, he grabbed his phone, noticing quickly that the static sound he’d fallen asleep to was gone. He turned his phone on, slightly disappointed by the confirmation that the phone call had been disconnected. It was reasonable. If Frankie had woken up in the middle of the night or if Zach didn’t answer him at some point then it made sense that Frankie would end the call. Still, Zach wished it were still connected.

Zach stayed in bed a while longer, watching the light intensify as the sun rose higher in the sky. The corners of the room filled with light and the shadows cast by the furniture became deeper and darker as he waited, thinking about what the day would be. Truthfully, he had no idea what was going to happen. Most likely, it would be another day like the last. He would just try to be there for Frankie in whatever way he could be. If he was lucky, he’d get some alone time with Frankie. He was pretty sure he hadn’t expressed himself very well last night and he kind of wanted a second chance. However, he found himself wondering if he should just let it be. Frankie had called him last night after all.

Zach rolled out of bed a little while later, trying to get out of his own head. He brushed his teeth and tried to get himself prepared for the day. He rummaged through the suitcase he hadn’t unpacked, looking for something to wear. When he was finally ready, he headed out the door, calling a taxi cab and texting Frankie, letting him know that he would be there soon.

The taxi ride was shorter than Zach remembered. The ride with Paul to the hotel last night had felt like forever, but maybe that was just the small talk and the worry. Zach was still a little nervous that at any moment, one of Frankie’s friends would confront him and he’d accidentally say the wrong thing. Then everything would come crashing down and he’d be sent packing back to his old life in Florida. He knew he couldn’t go back. He just couldn’t.

When Zach arrived at Frankie’s house, he rang the doorbell again. He reminded himself that while he was being allowed to visit again, he wasn’t family or even technically a friend and attempting to walk in without announcing himself would’ve been a bad idea. So, he waited until Jon-Erik came to the door, granting him entrance. Zach thought that Jon-Erik actually smiled at him and seemed glad to see him. Zach hoped he wasn’t just imagining that.

Once inside, Zach could hear Frankie’s voice coming from the kitchen. He walked that way, his heart feeling lighter. He could tell how animated Frankie’s voice was. It sounded like he was telling a story. Zach couldn’t wait to hear it. Frankie told a story like no one else he’d ever seen. Zach rounded the corner, seeing Frankie standing right by the island in the kitchen. His hands were waving dramatically and his eyes were shining almost as much as Zach remembered. Joan and Strigs were his captive audience, smiling and laughing at the right times. Zach watched, staying back a little. It was amazing to see Frankie this way. He felt his heart clench, hoping he could keep this Frankie but knowing he couldn’t—at least not yet.

Frankie glanced at him when he finally entered the room. Zach smiled at him, but Frankie didn’t really acknowledge him. Instead, he just went back to his story. Zach was confused. He wondered if maybe he’d expected too much, even though he’d tried not to. He couldn’t deny he had expectations. Did they not just fall asleep on the phone together? Did he imagine it? Maybe it had been a dream and it hadn’t happened in reality. No, Zach was certain that it hadn’t feel like a dream and his phone was resting on the other pillow when he woke up. Zach tried not to show the confusion and disappointment on his face when he joined the group, taking a barstool next to Strigs. 

It was a strange morning. Dominic informed Zach that memorial planning was underway. They’d already decided that it would take place in Florida in the family home, three days from now. He said it would be small—just family and close friends. Zach couldn’t help himself from wondering if he qualified. He was here, wasn’t he? He was being informed about the planning and he was trying to help, not that he was actually being given any tasks. Zach was afraid to ask if he was invited. He figured that eventually he’d know. Maybe that would be whenever Frankie decided to talk to him again.

Zach couldn’t help but feel like Frankie was avoiding him today. Frankie had made about a hundred phone calls as far as Zach could tell. Currently, Frankie was on the phone rambling about types of flowers and spouting off various words that Zach could only assume were different species and colors. Zach was feeling a little bolder, so he got up from his chair, and sat down next to Frankie. Frankie practically jumped out of his seat, wandering outside to the patio. Zach didn’t follow. 

From his seat in the living room, Zach could hear Joan talking on the phone. She was going on about different food items. Zach assumed it must be a caterer or something like that. Strigs was at the dining table going through pictures with Jon-Erik. Paul was collecting music on his computer, sitting on the couch opposite Zach. Dominic was supposed to be helping Paul, but he moved to sit by Zach, patting him on the back a few times. Zach didn’t know what to say, so he just shrugged and Dominic smiled at him a little. “Give it time,” Dominic advised. 

Frankie hung up with the florist, sitting on one of the patio chairs. Now that he had a task, he was coping a bit better. Yesterday, he’d floundered, unsure what to do or say. At least today he knew what to do. There was a list of things to be done and it was strangely comforting. Zach, however, was something he didn’t know what to do with. Frankie put his head in his hands, slowly massaging his temples. 

Frankie regretted calling Zach last night. He told himself that it had just been a moment of desperation. He’d been all alone, unable to sleep, with his mind torturing him with memories of Ari that kept mingling with memories of Zach. It wasn’t right. He couldn’t help but feel that he shouldn’t be thinking about Zach at all. This was not the right time. This was not the right way. The phone call hadn’t really solved anything, although he’d probably slept better knowing that Zach was on the other side. He hated that he found that comforting. He didn’t want to fall back into this pattern. It was a bad decision.

Frankie stayed outside longer than he needed to. He was thankful Zach hadn’t followed him. He didn’t want to face Zach right now. He could read the hurt in Zach’s eyes when he’d walked away and even earlier today when Zach had arrived without receiving a greeting. It pained Frankie when he saw that look cross Zach’s face. The way his eyes dimmed and shifted downward. He knew Zach was trying to hide it. He’d seen Zach hide many emotions, but he’d never been good at it.

Frankie almost wanted to give in—almost. What would that get him though—another round with a boy who had the worst ability to make up his mind? A boy who’d only confused him for a year? They'd had a rocky relationship at best. They were fiercely passionate both together and apart. It had made for amazing fireworks when they were together and truly terrific storms whenever anything went wrong. They were better as friends. No, he thought, not that either. They were better as nothing. It was safer. It was smarter. Nothing had worked for the last three years. Maybe Zach had reevaluated his life, but that didn’t mean that Frankie had to. He’d already given Zach a chance. It had been too messy and too heartbreaking.

Frankie stood up, his mind made up. He was going to thank Zach for coming into town to see him and tell him that they could be friends, but maybe it was time for him to get back to his _real_ life in Florida. Frankie wouldn’t mean it when he said they could be friends. He was hoping the “friends” part of their relationship would go a lot like it had the last time—a few phone calls every few months until they stopped. 

Frankie walked back into the house. His mom was still on the phone and his friends were busy with their tasks. Frankie tried not to look at Zach, but he couldn’t help himself. Zach’s eyes immediately caught Frankie’s, a questioning look on his face. Frankie felt a stab in his heart. He couldn’t do it right now. Not yet. _Tonight_ —tonight he’d tell Zach it was time for him to go home. He’d spend this last day with him and then he’d send him on his way. Frankie wondered if that was cruel, to keep him for another day when he had every intention of sending him away. He knew it was, but he couldn’t make himself let go _yet_. It was like all of the resolve he’d gathered outside seemed to disappear when he looked at Zach. Zach’s puppy dog eyes had come out to play. Frankie couldn’t help but think about how unfair that was—Zach knew how to play him.

Zach got off the couch, crossing the room towards Frankie. Frankie’s eyes got wide and Zach briefly wondered if he’d actually run from him. Zach moved fast, his body almost slamming into Frankie’s since he’d barely slowed his momentum before he got there. He wrapped his arms around Frankie. Frankie didn’t respond for a while. Finally, Zach felt Frankie pat his back a few times. Frankie was trying to keep things simple. He didn’t want to lead Zach on. When Zach pulled back, the look on Frankie’s face was practically blank. Zach didn’t know how Frankie did that. There was no emotion—nothing. It was cold and it made Zach want to cry. He had no idea what had happened in less than twelve hours to change everything.

Frankie saw the pain in Zach’s eyes. He couldn’t stand that he was causing it, so he did what he told himself he wouldn’t do when Zach dropped his arms. Zach was about to turn away, but Frankie stepped into him, his head resting against Zach, his forehead touching Zach’s neck. His body relaxed against Zach’s as his arms found their way around his waist. Frankie’s mind screamed, “Traitor!” but his heart melted at Zach’s scent. It was different, but the same.

When Frankie broke the hug a minute later, the pain in Zach’s eyes was mostly gone. Now, he just looked confused. Frankie could live with confused. He knew he was confused, so why shouldn’t Zach be confused too? Frankie walked away, taking a seat at the table next to Lauren. He started shifting through pictures, not looking up from the table.

Zach stood frozen for a minute. Finally, he found the energy to move again and he walked directly to the bathroom, looking for a moment of privacy. When he got there, he finally allowed himself to breath, the tears springing to his eyes. He had thought today would be better than yesterday. He couldn’t understand why it was worse. He wondered if Frankie was about to push him away for good. His heart, which had been so light this morning, was now sinking like a rock, resting in the pit of his stomach and making a home there. He splashed some cool water on his face, standing in the bathroom for longer than would be considered normal.

As soon as Zach had left the room, Lauren turned a piercing glare on Frankie. “What are you doing?” she asked. She didn’t take any bullshit and Frankie knew he wasn’t going to talk his way around this. 

“Look, I can’t help it. He does something to me that I hate, but I can’t resist. When he looks hurt, it physically pains me and I feel the overwhelming need to fix it,” Frankie answered.

“But. Don’t you—“ Lauren started.

“Yes!” Frankie cut her off, “I do remember what happened last time. I’m going to send him away. I promise. Tonight. I’m just going to try and make it through today and maybe even enjoy his company for what will probably be the last time before I tell him that he should go home. That’s what’s best for everyone.”

“Are you sure?” Lauren questioned.

“Yes,” Frankie said. He wished he believed it.

Zach came back into the living room a few minutes later. His face was a little blotchy, but everyone pretended like they didn’t notice. He was about to take his seat on the couch when Lauren announced she would go pick up something for lunch. She stood up, grabbing Zach’s hand before he could make it to the couch and volunteering him to go with her and help carry the food. 

Zach shrugged at the idea at first, but then decided it wasn’t a bad choice after all. It was hard to be in the same room as Frankie today. He figured he might as well get out for a bit. Frankie would be here when he got back. He had time. They weren’t going back to Florida for two more days. He just needed to wait for Frankie to figure out his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Zach and Lauren in a car, alone...


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're more than ordinary  
> There's something about the way that the world looks  
> Brighter when I'm next to you  
> No one's gonna love you like I will  
> Darlin' you can just take take take your time  
> And I've been burning up like a wildfire  
> Wishing you would just say say say you're mine  
> Mine, you're mine

Zach slid into the passenger seat just before Lauren put the car in drive and pulled out of the driveway, heading for some restaurant Zach had never heard of. Jon-Erik was calling ahead to place the order for them. It was a quiet ride to the restaurant. Neither of them really said anything. Zach watched the palm trees as they drove down the road, the sun shining through the fronds. A few times, Zach noticed Lauren open her mouth to speak, but then she wouldn’t say anything and the silence would stretch on. 

Zach tried to listen to the music playing in the car to distract himself from all of his nerves. He felt like he had an electric current running through him, forcing him to wait in agonized anticipation. He found himself moving in his seat far too much for the average person. His focus was shot too; he had none. He had no idea how Lauren felt about him. He assumed that if anyone hated him, it was probably her. Frankie told her everything, or at least he used to, so at the very least she knew their entire history. He was too afraid to put his foot in his mouth to start the conversation himself.

It was only a minute after they were on their way back to Frankie’s house with the food, that Lauren finally spoke to him. Zach supposed she could sense her time running out. Lauren sighed loudly, keeping her eyes on the road as she said, “Okay, Zach. Tell me what the deal is.”

It was such an open ended question that Zach wasn’t sure what the best way to respond was. He was afraid he’d sound like a total jackass if he said he’d come here to win Frankie back, which was true, but was also horrible given the situation. He didn’t want to downplay it either, in case Lauren thought he wasn’t serious and told Frankie that. He decided to start out cautiously, figuring he’d try to test the waters and if it seemed okay, he’d lay it all out there no matter how it made him look. “I wanted to be here for him. I was devastated when I thought I might have lost him forever and I realized that I need him in my life,” Zach started.

Zach took a peek over at Lauren who was still watching the road intently. Zach thought that she seemed too focused on her driving, like she didn’t actually want to look at him. He felt like this was a bad sign. It was quiet for a while. Zach was afraid too say more, fearful he’d already said too much.

Finally, Lauren mumbled, “Zach…he’s already hurting. I think you’re making him question a lot of things. He’s still remembers how things ended. Sure, he moved on, but you’ve always kind of been a sore spot.”

Zach was surprised by that answer. Frankie seemed so okay with the end of their relationship all those years ago. It was part of the reason it had been bearable for Zach to let go, because he knew that Frankie was letting go too. “But…it was mutual. He said he was okay. He told me it was better to end it. He agreed…” Zach wondered.

“Zach,” Lauren muttered.

“No, he was fine. He posted pictures with new guys every night after we ended things. He told me he was fine. He wanted this too. He told me that he was ready to end it. He wouldn’t just lie to me…” Zach continued, rambling his thoughts aloud.

“Zach,” Lauren repeated. Zach finally stopped, looking over at Lauren who finally glanced at him. She the mingling confusion and sadness on his face before she looked back to the road. Zach was quiet, waiting. He needed to know more.

“Look, I probably shouldn’t say any more,” Lauren started, “But, you two are basically idiots of epic proportions when it comes to communicating with one another. Of course he told you it was mutual. He felt you slipping away and he never wants to seem weak so he let you go. He nursed a broken heart for months, hiding it with bravado online. It was hard for him to speak to you when you called, but he did it. When you stopped calling, he actually started to move on for real, finding a few long-term boyfriends. Now, here you are again, bringing all of those feelings back on top of everything else that’s tearing him down right now.”

“So…you think I should leave? What are you trying to tell me? I don’t think I can leave to be honest. I just can’t,” Zach asserted.

“Give him time,” Lauren stated, “He has a lot to work through. Look, Zach, I might not be your biggest fan, but I’m not your enemy either. I know how happy you can make him. I’ve also seen what happens when things fall apart and to say that it is ugly is an understatement. I know him. I don’t want to make any promises to you, but I think with time he might come around.”

Zach’s mind was racing. He’d always allowed himself to believe it was mutual. Sure, he’d been upset by the break up, but he’d always assumed Frankie had moved on pretty quickly. Zach stayed quiet for a while, thinking through everything she told him. He knew, deep down, he’d always known. He’d denied it to himself so that he could live the life that easier for him. He’d seen it in Frankie’s eyes at the airport—the devastation, the loss, the longing, and the pain. It’s why he’d almost run back, willing to deal with the same emotions time and time again to maintain the relationship they had despite the confusion and the periodic pain. Now, Zach realized that maybe he’d just been too young to realize what he was losing. He’d been too young to allow himself to make the decision he truly wanted to make because it was the harder path.

Zach swallowed roughly, trying to build his courage again. He’d come here determined to be what Frankie needed. He was still going to do that. He wanted to make Frankie see how much he’d changed. The only way to do that was to stay, to remain strong, and to show him who he was now—a different man. He wouldn’t run when things were less than perfect. He wasn’t scared to deal with whatever came his way. He would make the decisions that would make him happy and deal with everything else as it came. Nothing made him feel more whole and complete than Frankie. Without Frankie, he’d always felt a piece missing, a lack of something he could never put his finger on. It was a gap in his heart that ached in protest whenever he was forced to remember Frankie and feel the things he tried to hide. The moment he’d seen Frankie again, it had started to heal, the gap closing, the scar thickening to hold the strong muscle together. He was unwilling to rip the scar again, to break the remodeling tissue. He would never open that wound again.

“I won’t leave. I’m staying by his side for now…hopefully he’ll let me stay longer than that. I don’t care what he says, I won’t leave,” Zach announced, resolving himself. 

Lauren nodded at him. “Okay, that’s what I needed to know,” she acknowledged. The rest of the drive was silent. Zach’s mind was still racing, trying to recall the exact words they’d said to each other four years ago. Fortunately, it was only a few minutes before they pulled into the driveway and Zach helped carry the food inside.

Everyone ate pretty quickly, trying to get back to their tasks and ensure everything was prepared in time for the memorial. Frankie continued to work while he picked at his plate, sorting through old photographs to decide which ones to display at the memorial. Zach brought his food to the table and silently ate next to Frankie. Frankie didn’t say anything to him. Zach tried not to let it bother him. The afternoon carried on the same way. Everyone worked on various chores and arrangements. Zach still wasn’t assigned any particular task, so he spent most of his time doing whatever Frankie was doing and occasionally helping Dominic or Lauren. 

When it was time for dinner, Frankie declared that he was not hungry and that he would be going to bed early. Zach looked up at him, a look of concern on his face. Frankie hadn’t eaten much at any of the meals they’d had. Zach watched as Frankie turned away, heading for the stairs. He wanted to follow like he’d done the night before, but it didn’t feel right tonight. He stayed there, watching as Frankie made it to the top of the stairs and turned.

Frankie’s mind was torn. Zach was the only one watching him, looking up like a puppy that couldn’t jump high enough to get on the bed on its own. He’d told himself he was going to send Zach home, but now he was faltering on that promise. He looked up, turned away from the banister and almost managed to step away before he heard Zach say his name. He looked back down at the scene below him. Everyone was looking at him now, but he was thankful when they all had the courtesy to look away after a few seconds. Frankie just nodded at Zach before Zach was running up the stairs, taking two at a time. Frankie didn’t wait, walking to his room while he could hear Zach’s hurried movements behind him.

When they got inside Frankie's room, Zach’s arms wrapped around Frankie. Frankie didn’t react. He was trying to be calm, cool, and collected. He didn’t want to lead Zach on. He wasn’t going to go down this road again. 

“Zach…I…” Frankie started, but Zach cut him off, breaking his hold around Frankie.

“Frankie. I love you. I’m not leaving,” Zach declared, his hands firmly planted on Frankie's shoulders.

“What? Why are you…how did…” Frankie stuttered. He was unprepared for that response and didn’t really know how to proceed.

“I can still read you. You’re keeping me at arms length. I understand why. I knew why before, but I’d been lying to myself, allowing myself to believe that it was nothing and that we could fall back into our old patterns quickly. Now, I know that was unrealistic. I get it. I’m not leaving though,” Zach stated. He stayed in front of Frankie, looking him square in the eyes, not breaking the intimate connection.

Frankie tried to figure out where Zach was going with this. What did he mean he’d been lying to himself? Now he knew? Why and what did he know that now? What had Lauren said to him? Frankie was getting more annoyed as he thought about it. Lauren had no right to interfere here. “What do you mean?” Frankie wondered.

Zach sighed softly. Frankie noticed how his eyes softened and his face showed anguish for a second before he wiped his hand over his face and spoke calmer than Frankie had expected. “Four years ago…I was scared. I ran—choosing the easy way. But you let me. You let me go Frankie. Maybe I shouldn’t have let you or maybe I should’ve just chosen what made me happy, but neither of those things happened. I’m not going to let it go that way again. I'm different now. I'm stronger. I know what I want. I love you. I’m not leaving you, ever again,” Zach said, his eyes glued to Frankie’s and his voice steady.

Frankie was reeling now. He was going to send Zach away and hopefully never have to deal with these feelings again, but whatever Lauren had said seemed to make that impossible now. He’d never seen Zach speak with such conviction. It was impressive if he was being honest with himself, but right now it was kind of pissing him off. He was the one who’d lost his sister. He had every right to say what he was feeling, to be a little selfish and take care of himself. He knew sending Zach away would be the smart decision and he needed to be smart right now. If his heart wouldn’t protect itself, he’d have to do it.

“Zach. Go home. We can’t do this again. I can’t do this again. I won’t,” Frankie confirmed, trying to convince himself as he spoke. The way Zach’s hair fell in his face a little right now made Frankie want to reach out and fix it. He wanted nothing more than to pull Zach into his arms, but it was a bad idea. These last two days had been enough. He couldn’t allow himself any more of this folly. He’d just fall madly in love with Zach again and then it would be over before it really began. He couldn’t trust what Zach was saying. It would only lead to heartbreak. He would not do that to himself again. 

“No,” Zach whispered. He tried to will the tears out of his eyes. He knew this was coming, but it still hurt. His stomach was flipping over and he felt like he might vomit. Being rejected by Frankie was his biggest fear, but he wasn’t going to go down without a fight. He would no go home.

“Please, Zach. Just go,” Frankie begged, his voice quivered at the end, fading away on the last word.

“Frankie, I won’t go home. I will not leave you. What I will do is go back to my hotel. I will stay here in LA as long as you’re here. I will go back to Florida when you do. Then, I hope that you’ll see what I’m trying to tell you and let me in,” Zach explained. Zach’s eyes were swimming in tears now. He blinked them away, wiping quickly as they fell. Frankie appeared to be fighting his own emotions, his hands over his eyes, not meeting Zach’s gaze as he spoke. 

Zach stepped forward again, wrapping his arms around Frankie who didn’t move in response. “Frankie, I love you. I will never leave you again baby. I promise. I never want to live a life without you,” Zach whispered before he stepped away, leaving Frankie standing by his bed, watching as Zach walked to Frankie’s doorway. 

Zach stopped in the doorway, looking back at him. Frankie tried to look stoic, but he was failing. Zach saw the pain in his eyes, the way that his eyes were threatening to spill the tears that were pooled there. Frankie tilted his head back a little, trying to keep them from falling, but it didn’t work. “Whatever you need. I’m here. When you figure it out, when you realize that you love me too, I'll be waiting for you,” Zach promised. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and extracted one of the keycards the hotel had given him. He left it on Frankie’s dresser. “Just in case. Room 222. Paul knows which hotel,” Zach added as he turned to leave Frankie’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we doing people? Trust me? Yeah...I know I killed Frankie in the alternate ending...


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take your hesitance  
> And your self-defense  
> Leave them behind, it's only life  
> Don't be so afraid  
> Of facing everyday  
> Just take your time, it's only life  
> I'll be your stepping-stone  
> Don't be so alone  
> Just hold on tight, it's only life

Zach left quickly, racing down the stairs as the tears continued to fall. He didn’t say a word to anyone as he made his way to the foyer and out the door. He tried to catch his breath outside as he called a taxi to come pick him up. He sat down on the concrete, waiting. It was cooler outside now, the sky changing colors with the setting sun. 

He was surprised when Dominic showed up beside him a few minutes later. Dominic didn’t say anything; he just sat next to Zach and gave him a pat on the back a few times. Zach was thankful for that. He understood the silence. What was there to say anyway?

After a few more minutes, the taxi pulled up. Dominic gave Zach a hug goodbye and Zach returned it happily. Dominic opened the door to the house as Zach opened the door to the taxi, but before he could get inside, he heard someone say his name. He was surprised to see Joan coming out the door. She walked up to Zach and hugged him. Zach hugged back, more than a little confused.

When she broke the hug, she patted his cheek warmly and smiled at him. He smiled back, unsure what to say. “I hope that I’ll see you soon,” she said in parting as she turned to leave. Zach watched, slightly stunned and more confused than ever.

Zach got into his taxi, watching as the Grande house faded from his view. He let a few tears fall again, leaning his head back. He’d done what he could, _for now_. Right now, he would have to just wait and hope. He knew it was going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, Frankie had managed to dry his tears and change for bed. He didn’t touch the keycard Zach had left. He chose to leave it on the dresser—an open reminder of an invitation that he didn’t intend to take. He climbed into bed, closing his eyes and willing his mind to make up stories of another life—stories of happiness he could fall asleep to.

Frankie heard the faint knock on his door. He was going to ignore it, hoping that whoever it was would take the hint. He curled under his covers, shifting so that his back was to the door. He heard the slight squeak of the door as it swung open. He silently cursed whoever it was. He thought about faking sleep, but he decided against it—he was a little curious.

Frankie rolled over to see Lauren standing hesitantly in the doorway. “Can I?” she asked, stepping through the doorway and looking questioningly at Frankie. He tossed his hands in the air, a slight shrug evident before he sat up in bed, arranging his sheets and comforter over his legs. He stuffed a few pillows behind his back. The room was dimly lit with only the remaining sunlight coming through the windows. He reached out for the lamp by his bed and turned it on.

Lauren padded slowly across the room, climbing onto the bed from the opposite side. She sat cross-legged, facing Frankie. She reached out, squeezing Frankie’s knee through all of the covers. He smiled weakly at her.

“So…this must be important?” Frankie wondered, his eyes falling to the item in Lauren’s hands. She set it aside, laying it just out of Frankie’s reach. She looked at him appraisingly, wondering if she was really going to go through with this. She’d spent a lot of time thinking about Frankie and Zach today—probably more time than she should have. She had things to do and Ari’s memorial was honestly the most important thing right now, but she wanted Frankie to find the joy in the memorial. Right now it didn’t seem like he’d be finding the joy in anything anytime soon.

She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly before she finally spoke to Frankie. “Okay, so I know this is not my place. None of this is my business at all, but you are my best friend. I just want you to make the decision that you think is best for you, okay?” she started. Frankie nodded at her. He knew where this was going. He considered shutting her down, but she’d had good advice in the past, so he waited for her to speak. She sighed again before she continued, “I talked to Zach in the car about you two. He seemed very resolute to me. I have never heard him so sure about something. Granted, I don’t know him that well, but he seemed pretty damn certain. He told me that he wouldn’t leave—no matter what. I have to say, I believe him.”

“I believe him too. He told me the same thing,” Frankie confirmed, running his hand through his hair. His eyes darted to the hotel keycard for a second before he shook his head and returned his gaze to Lauren.

“Okay…I’m not saying you should just jump into his arms, but then why are you still trying to send him away?” Lauren questioned.

“I can’t be the same person I was when I was with him all those years ago. That relationship was one of the hardest I’ve ever had. In that short year, I experienced my highest highs and my lowest lows. I think I prefer the middle ground with a constant level happiness that I control,” Frankie reasoned. It sounded like as good of an excuse as any. He didn’t want to admit that he was terrified. He was afraid to give Zach any power—to give him the chance to break his heart once again.

“So, it’s about control? You’re out of control with Zach,” Lauren stated. Frankie nodded in agreement. “That’s probably true, but life isn’t really about control, is it?” she probed. 

Frankie sighed, running his hand down his face. “I don’t know, Lauren. I don’t know,” he lamented. He didn’t know what to do. He was stuck. On one hand there was a perfectly happy and smooth life ahead of him that he would probably be satisfied with. On the other hand was a twisted road. It was a road decorated with beautiful flowers, shimmering rainbows and a bright sun, but it had hidden potholes and deadly dips in the road that were waiting to surprise him. He wasn’t sure he could take the risk, but it was clear Lauren wanted him to at least consider it. 

“Look. I know he’s going to wait and so do you. I don’t know what decision you’re going to make, but if you end up deciding to give him another chance…then it’s better to do it now than wait longer. He could help you,” Lauren explained. Frankie didn’t say anything, his focus no longer on her face, but over her shoulder.

“I’m going to leave you alone now, but not before I give you this. I wasn’t sure if I was going to give it to you, but after my talk with Zach today, I think you should see it. Now, this technically belongs to you. I really shouldn’t even have it right now, but when we thought you were on that plane, Jon-Erik and I kind of ransacked your place in New York,” she started.

Frankie’s eyes turned back to Lauren, appraising her skeptically. “Wait. You did what? Why?” Frankie asked.

“I don’t know. We were just looking for things to bring your mother—maybe we were really just looking for things to comfort us. It doesn’t matter now. Anyway, I found this. It was buried in the back of a drawer in your desk. I probably shouldn’t have read it. I mean, it’s not addressed to me, but I was curious and I thought you were gone,” Lauren divulged. She turned the envelope that she’d carried in with her over so that the front was visible with a sloppy “ _Zach_ ” written across the front in Frankie’s handwriting.

Frankie’s eyes widened in surprise when he saw Zach’s name. He remembered writing the letter although he couldn’t remember the exact contents. He’d written it late one night after seeing a picture of Zach on instagram, his arm around someone else and a few heart emojis as the caption. He wasn’t sure why he’d let it get to him, but he couldn’t get it out of his head that night. He’d spent so much time trying to move on and that picture nearly undid it all. He and Zach hadn’t talked in about a year at that point, but he still thought about him and wondered if Zach ever thought about him. He’d come close to calling Zach a few times in that first year of silence, but he’d always stopped himself, worried about opening that door again and feeling the heartbreak he’d already dealt with reemerge.

Instead of calling, he’d written his feelings down, trying to get them out on paper and out of his head. It had been cathartic. It had helped him move on. He’d stored it away with the piece of his heart that belonged to Zach and he’d moved on. It was only about a month later that he’d met Cole. He had dated Cole for a year. Cole was young, fun, and adventurous. They’d made a good pair, but the love they shared wasn’t meant to last forever. It hadn’t been strong enough for that and Frankie had always known that.

Frankie shook his head, trying to clear it again and focus on what was happening right now. Here he was, once again, faced with the feelings he’d tried to hide on a piece of paper, stuffed in dark drawer, hidden in one small space in the sprawling, living, breathing creature that was New York City. He wasn’t sure he wanted to read it. He also wasn’t sure how he could not. 

Lauren handed him the envelope with no further words, leaning over to kiss his cheek. She told him that she loved him and that she would support him through anything—always. He watched her walk out the door, no words coming to his mind. Instead he looked down at the envelope that was now in his hands.

He flipped it over. He hadn’t sealed it. He’d never really intended to send this letter. In fact, he probably should have thrown it away. At least then, he wouldn’t be faced with it now. He groaned loudly to himself, dropping the letter in his lap. He couldn’t believe he was about to do this. He was opening the pain again. He could already feel the vines coming to life, squeezing his heart, making it feel like it was going to explode. His heart was racing and he hated it. He couldn’t help but think that a letter shouldn’t do that to a person.

Finally, he decided it was best to rip the band-aid off. There was no way he wasn’t going to read it, so he might as well get it over with. He quickly lifted the flap, pulling out the paper, which seemed more delicate now than he remembered. He’d dated the top of the letter. It was almost two years old now. He sighed deeply when he saw Zach’s name at the top. He held his breath as he read.

_Zachary,_

_We haven’t spoken in over a year now. I have no idea how your life is proceeding these days. I hope you are well. I’ve always wanted the best for you and that will never change._

_I have no purpose to write this letter, other than to tell you what our time together meant to me. I don’t know if I had ever felt so fully loved by a person than when you were by my side for that short time. I remember how much it hurt to be apart and how we’d slowly ripped our own relationship to shreds when we were. I also remember the feeling of completeness I felt when you kissed me the first time. I could chase that feeling for forever._

_We were a fireball that grew too hot. It was as beautiful as it could be, but deadly. I’ll never regret it. I hope that you don’t either._

_Lately, I’ve decided to leave more things up to fate. It’s not worth it to think about the future. Now is what we have and I’m going to live it. I know the past will always be there and I don’t want to forget it or shun it. I want to cherish it. So that is what I am going to do._

_I still hope that someday the embers will rekindle and we’ll be able to tend to the flame better, keeping a steady fire instead of a flash in the pan. In the absence of that wish coming true, I hope you are happy. Be happy Zach. Find someone to love and love them with everything you have because I can attest to the fact that your love feels like no one else’s love._

_I’ll always miss you. I’ll always wish you’d been mine._

_I love you still,_

_Frankie_

Frankie tried to ignore the wet spot that appeared next to his name, smudging the ink on the ‘e’. He tossed the letter to the side, curling onto his side again, allowing himself to cry. He’d done what he promised in that letter. He’d lived in the now. He could still do that. It was true though; no one’s love had ever felt like Zach’s love. In that instant, he knew that was why he couldn’t let go.

Frankie shot out of bed, wiping his eyes roughly, trying to find the clothes he’d discarded earlier. He stuffed the letter back in the envelope and stuck it in his back pocket. He grabbed his car keys and the keycard that Zach had left him. When he got back downstairs, everyone was still awake. He didn’t speak to anyone, just heading for the garage. He made it all the way across the room before he turned back and walked up to Lauren. He leaned in and kissed her cheek before he asked Paul to text him the hotel address. Then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried to hide it, I can't deny it  
> Now I'm inside out  
> Say you love me, yeah all or nothing  
> Now I'm inside out  
> I am awake, it's getting late  
> I'm in no state to be alone now, yeah I'm alone now  
> Come light the fire in my room  
> I think I'm losing all control now, I don't even know how  
> But I'm in your riptide and now I'm inside out

Frankie had the music blaring as he drove through the city. He was hoping it would drown out his thoughts. Thus far, it wasn’t working. It was dark outside, but far from quiet. It was still early enough that the city was bustling. Traffic was a nightmare. Frankie rode along, stopping for long periods of time for seemingly no purpose. It was mildly frustrating, but Frankie kept calm. He knew Zach would be there. Zach wasn’t going anywhere. He’d promised that and Frankie knew he meant it. The only question was how long it would take Frankie to get there.

Frankie wasn’t even sure what he was going to say to Zach. He’d brought the letter with him, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to show it to Zach or not. He knew he couldn’t let Zach go, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared. Zach might be really adamant about his feelings right now, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t change. People change their minds all of the time. That’s why life got so messy—change. Change was truly the only constant. He wanted to believe that Zach would change with him and not against him, but he couldn’t be certain. Nothing with Zach could ever be certain.

Frankie had a brief moment of panic, worrying that all of this was a mistake. His front bumper was just inches from the car in front of him. He was stuck, traffic unmoving as he tried to calm himself. What he wanted to do was turn around and return home to the comfortable safety of his room. Why, he thought, was he opening himself up to this risk and pain again? Was the risk worth the possible reward? Frankie reached behind himself, pulling the letter from his back pocket and laying it on the passenger seat. It wasn’t a mistake. He owed Zach that much. He couldn’t just ignore him forever or wish the ghost of Zach’s love away. It would always be there. It was better to have the love alive than live haunted. He just wasn’t sure how long it could live. 

When traffic opened up again, Frankie continued on, making his way slowly closer to the hotel he’d programmed into the GPS. He grabbed his phone, intending to call Ari. He hadn’t really given it a second thought. It was instinct to call her when he was at a crossroads like this. His fingers knew the way through his phone, but he managed to stop himself when he pulled up his favorites, staring briefly at the name listed second, just under ‘Mommy’. He tossed his phone angrily. It landed on top of the letter. Frankie let out a deep growl of frustration. This was part of the problem. He was getting too wrapped up in this thing with Zach that he made stupid mistakes like this, letting himself forget the real world. Tears sprang to his eyes and he let them fall, unwilling to dry them. The cool tracks they left behind felt comforting in a way.

Frankie wasn’t sure if it was normal to almost make a phone call like that. How long did it take to break that ritual? He wondered how long it would be until he stopped wanting to call her. When did that stop? How could he ever erase her name from his favorites list—let alone his contacts? If his family stopped paying for her line then that number would eventually belong to someone else. That was an upsetting thought—someone else on the other end of Ari’s phone number. Someone he didn’t know. Someone he’d never met and probably would never meet. How do things like this happen? How do people cope with loss everyday?

Suddenly, Frankie’s GPS was talking loudly to him, announcing that he had arrived. Frankie furrowed his brows, momentarily confused. He wasn't sure how he'd actually gotten here. He glanced over at the building as he drove by, confirming it was the right place. Frankie figured he must have driven on autopilot for a while because he couldn't remember the last few minutes of the drive. Frankie had to drive around the block, circling back to find his way to the hotel. He found a place to park and turned the car off. He sat silently, trying to figure out what he could possibly say to Zach. He picked the letter up, weighing the pros and cons of showing it to Zach now.

On the second floor of the hotel, Zach sat on the bed, leaning back against the feather pillows that kept deflating too much, making him slightly uncomfortable. The TV was on, but he wasn’t paying attention. He was tuned into a basketball game—one that he probably would have been at least a little bit interested in if it had occurred a week ago. Now, he was zoning out, staring at the TV instead of watching it. 

Zach wasn’t tired, but he was over watching the TV and he wasn’t even the slightest bit hungry. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to try to sleep. If he didn’t sleep, laying in the dark wouldn’t be so different than sitting up and staring at a TV he wasn’t even listening to. Zach got up, turning all the lights off except for the one by the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands and slowly massaging his temples. He sighed deeply, turning to lay down, but changing his mind and rising to his feet. He returned to his suitcase, pulling out the picture of him and Frankie from finale night. He’d been so tired and distracted last night that he’d forgotten about it. Then Frankie had called and he hadn’t needed it. Now, he was fairly certain Frankie wasn’t going to call and he needed something to help him sleep. He unfolded it once again, marveling at the smiling faces he saw. He knew he hadn’t smiled like that in a long time. He wasn’t sure if that was true for Frankie, but he could practically feel the love coming off of the photo. Zach got in bed, tossing the covers over himself and holding the picture. He turned the light off, waiting as his eyes adjusted, the image on the paper slowly coming back into focus. He set it on the bedside table and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come—begging for a brief interlude for this purgatory that he found himself in.

Frankie walked calmly into the lobby of the hotel, keycard in hand. Frankie quickly asked the hotel desk clerk which way the elevator was. She looked at him skeptically, but Frankie held the keycard up, telling her that he was headed for 222. She gave him directions and he was off. He almost wanted to run to Zach’s room. As he got in the elevator, Frankie couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted to feel Zach’s warm arms around him. 

The elevator ride was quick. The sign just outside the elevator told him to go left for Zach’s room. He rounded the corner, seeing room 212. He walked down the hall, feeling the weight of each step as he got closer. He could feel every beat of his heart, each one stronger than the last. His mind was unthinking, focusing only on the steps he took as his eyes grazed past the numbers on the wall, watching as they got bigger. He stopped in front of 222, looking vacantly at the keycard in his hand. He hadn’t thought about this part—should he barge in? Should he knock? It wasn’t late, he thought, Zach was likely still awake, but he had given him the keycard. Plus, if Zach was asleep, Frankie could get inside and slide into bed with him without having to wake him up. 

What the hell, Frankie thought as he decided that Zach wouldn’t give him a keycard unless he wanted him to use it. Frankie slid the piece of plastic in the slot on the door handle, watching the little red light turn to green as he withdrew the card. He opened the door as quietly as he could, which granted, was not very quiet.

Zach was not asleep, but he wasn’t entirely aware either. He’d gotten lost in his own mind, zoning out of the present. The click of the door handle was a fright, sending Zach out of the bed and onto his feet, heart racing, eyes wide and adrenaline pumping. It took a few seconds, but Zach quickly realized that if the door was opening that it might be Frankie. He reached for the bedside light, casting a warm glow into the room. Zach couldn’t help but be slightly dazed as he took in the sight. Frankie’s here, he told himself, he’s actually here. Frankie looked a bit of a mess, his hair flat against his head, his eyes a little red with his face slightly drawn. Zach smiled at him weakly and closed the space between them without a second thought. His arms wrapped around Frankie, pulling him close. He could hardly believe that he had shown up. Zach thought it was a long shot, but Frankie had always had a way of surprising him at times—both good and bad.

Frankie relaxed into the hug in an instant, letting Zach’s strong arms hold him up. Frankie snaked his arms around Zach’s neck, clinging to him, hoping that Zach could feel his thoughts without words. Zach squeezed Frankie closer and Frankie sighed softly, allowing himself the freedom to enjoy the embrace. He hadn’t felt this relaxed since he’d first spoken to Zach, days ago in Costa Rica. It felt like his insides were unwinding, falling back into their proper places instead of coiled on an axis, tense and unyielding.

They were only a few feet away from the bed. Zach lifted Frankie off the ground, taking the few steps required to reach the bed. He sat Frankie down and sat beside him. Zach was again surprised when Frankie quickly scrambled under the covers, scooting away from Zach, but holding the covers up for him. Zach swung his legs up, laying his head on the pillow he’d been using before, the feathers inside still smashed down where his head had been.

Frankie pressed his body against Zach’s side, his head falling to Zach’s bare chest. Zach could feel Frankie’s cheek against his skin and relished in it. Zach wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what the right words were. He was grateful that Frankie was here. He at least wanted him to know that. “I’m so happy you’re here,” Zach whispered, his hand sliding up Frankie’s back, rubbing back and forth.

Frankie sighed, feeling the tears return to his eyes for a different reason. This was like home. It felt right. He knew it would. Everything with Zach always felt right. The way Zach’s fingertips soothed Frankie and the steady heartbeat he could hear below the solid muscle of Zach’s chest were both just reminders. Reminders that no matter how far apart they were in life, no matter what happened to them, this was where they belonged—together. “Me too,” Frankie answered, his free hand coming up to rest just in front his face, palm flat against Zach’s chest. 

Zach was overwhelmed. He was so in love with the man in his arms. Zach wanted to lean down, tilt his head up and kiss him. Zach was also afraid he might scare Frankie off. He wasn’t sure what had gotten Frankie here, but he would forever be grateful. He didn’t know what decision Frankie was making by showing up here, but he didn’t want to ask now and ruin the moment. Zach settled for a soft kiss placed on top of Frankie’s head before he reached over with his free hand, turning the light off once again. Zach didn’t return his hand to its original location at his side; instead, he brought it up to cover Frankie’s. Zach thought he heard a soft sigh from Frankie in response. He carefully slid his fingers between Frankie’s.

Zach considered not saying a word and just allowing Frankie to sleep. He could already hear Frankie’s breaths slowing. Zach stayed silent, his hand slowly caressing Frankie’s back. Frankie felt like Zach was brushing it all away—the pain, the fear, the loneliness. Zach spoke again, deciding he couldn’t wait any longer. He wanted to be sure and get it out before Frankie really did fall asleep. This time, he allowed himself to hope for an actual response from Frankie. “I love you,” Zach whispered, barely audible. Zach tried not to hold his breath as he waited, but he did anyway.

Frankie heard it. He expected it. He couldn’t deny Zach that admission that he’d always known to be true—especially when he’d refused to admit it. “I love you too,” Frankie responded, his heart lighter than it had been before. He felt Zach’s hand still on his back after he spoke, a slow breath exhaling as Zach's chest sunk downwards. Frankie wasn’t sure what that reaction meant, but after Zach started rubbing his back again, Frankie relaxed into Zach even more. Sleep came steadily as Frankie surrendered.

Zach stayed up a bit longer, his mind recounting the exact way that Frankie had told him that he loved him. There was a lilt in his voice on the word ‘you’. Then there was the way that Frankie had exhaled through the word ‘too’ making it more breathy than the others. Zach didn’t know exactly what all of this meant. He wanted to be optimistic, but he tried to temper his excitement for the future, opting to relish in the now as he closed his eyes, slipping into a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn...but satisfying thus far, I hope. You tell me.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So can you lift me up?  
> And turn the ashes into flames  
> 'Cause I have overcome more than words will ever say  
> And I've been given hope  
> That there's a light on up the hall  
> And that a day will come when the fight is won  
> And I think that day has just begun

Zach was awake before Frankie, watching the dim light of the morning grow stronger. He tried to lie still, not wanting to disturb Frankie. Frankie had moved some in his sleep, his head now resting on Zach’s arm and his back pressed against Zach’s side. Zach drifted in and out of sleep for a while, but he was awake now. He had no idea what time it was, but he was not going to move to find out. He had to force himself not to laugh when he thought about how he was behaving. He was treating Frankie like a wild animal, afraid of spooking him or scaring him away if he got too close or spoke too loudly. Zach didn’t want to admit to himself how accurate that image was—it was exactly how he felt.

Zach closed his eyes, trying to relax again. He ran his mind back through the interactions he’d had with Frankie since Friday. There had been that devastating phone call, numerous awkward texts, and a somewhat painful—literally—reunion. Through all of that, Zach had tried to focus on the positive. Focusing on what Frankie hadn’t said, rather than what he did say. Finally, Frankie had said something—something hopeful and real. At least, Zach hoped it was real. He was fairly certain Frankie wouldn’t placate him—especially not now, not after he’d already told Zach to leave. 

Fortunately for Zach, the bright sun eventually woke Frankie up. Frankie blinked in the light, turning away from the window and back into Zach. He hid his face against Zach’s chest, pulling the covers up higher to help shield his eyes. Zach couldn’t help but chuckle at Frankie. Zach thought it was cute. Zach remembered how Frankie behaved in the morning. It could be fun, or at least entertaining—Frankie with his bed head, constant yawning, and occasional snippy attitude. Zach probably shouldn’t have found it so adorable, but sassy Frankie was one of his favorites.

Zach moved his now free arm around Frankie, pulling him a little tighter. Zach could feel Frankie tense up against him, so he dropped his arm a little, trying to give him a little more space—to let Frankie take the lead on this, whatever this was. Zach tried not to sigh in frustration as he dropped his head back into his pillow. Truthfully, Zach didn’t care what Frankie was willing to give him, as long as he was still willing and giving him something—the fact that Frankie was still pressed against Zach’s side seemed like a hopeful sign. 

Frankie hadn’t really meant to react to Zach’s touch like that. It’s not that he didn’t know where he was or that he didn’t want Zach to touch him. He’d meant it when he told Zach that he loved him. He had always loved Zach—that had never been the problem. He just wasn’t sure where to go from here. Falling back into old patterns seemed like a horrible idea. Moving forward in a different way was what they needed—but what way? Frankie wasn’t sure.

Zach stayed silent for a minute, not sure what to do next. Finally he decided that he was being ridiculous. Frankie wasn’t going to run away like a scared deer. As long as Zach was reasonable, Frankie would probably stay. Clearly, they needed to talk. Zach still had no idea why Frankie had shown up last night. He was incredibly happy about it, but he was also insanely curious. He’d been pretty sure that Frankie would need more time. The conversation they’d had in his room last night hadn’t gone particularly well, making Zach fairly certain Frankie wouldn't show up any time soon. He was grateful that he’d turned out to be wrong, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious about what had changed Frankie’s mind.

“Morning,” Zach whispered to the top of Frankie’s head. Zach watched carefully for a reaction from Frankie. 

Frankie made some incomprehensible sounds in response, pressing his face down into the covers he’d brought up to his neck. Frankie knew Zach would want to talk about it—any reasonable person would want to talk about what was happening between them. Frankie wasn’t sure how to put it into words. He was still emotionally exhausted after reliving the love and the pain of their relationship in the last few days. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing. Fewer words were probably the safer option at this moment.

Zach couldn’t help but chuckle at that response. “Do you want to go back to bed sleepy-head?” Zach asked, laughing again at the end when Frankie’s only response was some more murmurs that Zach couldn’t quite make out. They sounded like a yes though.

“You can go back to sleep. I really need to shower,” Zach stated. Zach felt Frankie nod his head and then Frankie rolled over and away from Zach, curling up into the covers, his face buried into a pillow as he pulled the covers up as a shield from the sun. “Someone needs a head wrap to help with that sunlight,” Zach joked, remembering how Frankie had slept when he’d first met him. Frankie didn’t say anything in response—well, not anything Zach could actually understand.

Zach sat up in the bed now. He really did need a shower. He’d skipped it last night because he just couldn’t find the energy, but now with Frankie in his bed, he felt like it was long overdue and he was a little embarrassed. Zach turned to look at Frankie again. He wasn’t sure why Frankie had stiffened at his touch earlier, but Frankie hadn’t left, so maybe it was okay and he’d just surprised Frankie. Before he could think about it and talk himself out of it, Zach leaned over, pressing his lips to the back of Frankie’s exposed neck. Zach was relieved when Frankie didn’t even really seem to react—that was way better than other reactions he could have gotten.

“Please don’t leave,” Zach whispered, mostly to himself, but certainly loud enough for Frankie to hear. There was no response to the request. Frankie heard it. He just didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t going to leave—not right now. After a few seconds Frankie decided he should give some response, if Zach was even waiting for one. Frankie nodded. Frankie could hear Zach’s sigh of relief and the shifting of the bed as Zach got out and headed for the bathroom.

Zach stopped at his suitcase before heading for a shower. He grabbed a clean change of clothes and padded slowly to the bathroom door, being careful to stay quiet as he made his way around the foot of the bed and into the short entryway where the door to the bathroom was on his right. Zach stopped in his tracks before he turned for the bathroom. There was a piece of paper on the floor—it looked like an envelope. Zach glanced back at Frankie who had turned again, now facing away from the window and towards Zach. His eyes were closed, his face surprisingly serene. Zach quickly bent down to pick up the envelope—slightly confused about its origin. It didn’t make sense that he’d receive a bill from the hotel yet. He hadn’t even indicated to them that he was checking out.

When he flipped the envelope over to read the front, Zach’s breath caught in his throat. He knew the handwriting instantly. There was his name in Frankie’s handwriting. Zach brushed a fingertip over the name, feeling the slight indention into the paper in the shape of his name. Zach was beyond curious. He desperately wanted to know what was inside. Clearly, Frankie had brought this with him, but he hadn’t given it to him. He couldn’t help but wonder why Frankie would do that.

Zach slipped into the bathroom, carefully closing the door behind him, still holding the letter. Zach sat his clothes on the counter, walking to the edge of the bathtub where he sat down, gazing at the letter in his hands. He wanted to read it. There was no denying that desire, but Frankie hadn’t exactly given it to him. Zach wasn’t sure if it was okay to read it. It had his name on it—that made it his, right? He wanted to go with that logic, but he was afraid of scaring Frankie off or discovering something he didn’t really want to know. He reasoned that if Frankie hadn’t shown it to him, then there must be a good reason—or maybe Frankie wanted to watch him read it. Zach didn’t know what to do. He got up to place the letter on the counter as well, returning to the shower and turning the water on. 

Zach’s knowledge of the letter was like an itch that he couldn’t scratch. It was bothering him, eating away at his thoughts. He couldn’t think about anything else while he showered. He needed to know what was inside. He wondered if maybe it wasn’t even a letter. How would he know what was in that envelope? It sure felt like a letter—but maybe it was just a drawing or something else. Zach showered quickly, his mind racing with possibilities. He was desperate to open that envelope.

Zach got out of the shower, drying himself off quickly and putting on his clean clothes. He grabbed the envelope again. He opened the bathroom door and glanced quickly at Frankie. Zach was relieved to find him still under the covers on his bed, eyes still closed. Zach let out the breath he'd been holding. Now that the envelope was in his hands again, Zach felt like it was on fire or like a ticking time bomb he had to deal with. He couldn’t wait. Zach knew that if nothing else—he was impulsive. If Frankie didn’t want him to read this, then he shouldn’t have brought it to Zach’s hotel room. Besides, he thought, it had his fucking name on it.

Zach retreated back to the edge of the bathtub, carefully pulling the tucked in flap out of the envelope. Zach pulled the envelope open a bit, seeing the top of the paper inside. It was clearly a letter. Zach’s eyes were drawn to the “ _Dear Zachary_ ” that was printed at the top in Frankie’s handwriting. Zach smiled softly, glancing at the date printed on the upper right hand corner. Zach froze reading the date. This letter was almost two years old. Zach could feel his eyes well up with tears. 

The implications were running through Zach’s mind. Frankie had written him a letter almost two years ago. This was now a fact. This was written after a year of silence between them. Suddenly, the letter seemed simultaneously even more precious and dangerous. What had Frankie said when they weren’t even in contact anymore? Had Frankie still loved him—the same way Zach had, even if he’d spent years denying and hiding it, mostly from himself. Maybe Frankie had hated him and written him a letter to tell him off. Zach had no way to know without reading it. He’d come this far, so he carefully extracted the letter from its envelope. His eyes were drawn to the smudged ink by the signature—Frankie’s signature. Zach refused to let his mind wonder about the reason for that. It was too overwhelming.

Zach took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for whatever Frankie had written. Then, he read. He read it once, tears falling down his face. Then he read it again. The tears didn’t stop. Finally, he folded the letter up, carefully placing it back in the envelope. It was a beautiful letter. Zach couldn’t believe that after a year of silence that Frankie had still held some sort of feeling for him. Frankie had held a hope that one day they could build that fire again—a rising from the ashes, ignited by a single spark. 

Zach sat in the bathroom, allowing the tears to fall for a minute longer after that, lamenting the time he had lost—the time they could have been happy. Zach had no idea how he would have reacted if Frankie had actually sent him this letter. He wondered if maybe he had needed this push all along—being forced to live with his regrets, even for a short time, when everything seemed hopeless. Regardless, Zach knew this was their time. Now was their time. 

Zach left the bathroom, carrying the letter with him. He saw that Frankie was still asleep. Zach carefully set the envelope back on the floor, face down, where he’d found it. Zach wasn’t sure if he wanted Frankie to know that he’d read it. He didn’t know what to do about that. He was glad that he’d chosen to read it, but he couldn’t help but feel like Frankie might be mad. 

After Zach dropped the letter back in its original place, he walked slowly back to the bed. Emboldened by his new knowledge, Zach walked around to the other side of the bed, slipping under the covers beside Frankie and wrapping his arms around Frankie, his chest against Frankie’s back. Zach smiled softly when he felt Frankie relax into him and Zach planted another gentle kiss on the back of Frankie’s neck. 

“Zach,” Frankie murmured, his voice a mixture of protest and longing. Zach just squeezed Frankie tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual talking between Zach & Frankie coming up...


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But sure enough, just when I'd near given up  
> You appeared there among the destruction, yeah  
> Well, now it's official I've lost my initial suspicions and skepticism  
> Well, you got me caving in, feeding the craving  
> I see now what I've been missing

“Zach,” Frankie said again, this time a little louder. Zach wasn’t sure what to do with that response, so he loosened his arms just a little. Frankie started wiggling. Zach didn’t want to let go, but Frankie seemed insistent. Zach was grateful that when he finally released his arms that Frankie didn’t bolt from the bed. Instead, he turned around, facing Zach. Frankie was on his side, his cheek resting in the palm of his hand as he looked back at Zach. The way Zach was looking at him took Frankie’s breath away; there was something almost like a sparkle coming from the copper colored flecks in Zach’s eyes. Frankie allowed his eyes to travel over Zach’s face, taking in the slight quirk in Zach’s lips and the way his small smile caused the skin at the corners of his eyes to crinkle. Frankie couldn’t deny that Zach was a beautiful man.

Zach had no idea what Frankie was thinking in this moment. After reading Frankie’s letter, he had a sincere hope that Frankie really was going to give him a chance. That was all Zach needed—a chance. He knew he would do everything he could this time to protect their love. Frankie had been right. They had been a bright flame, but it had died, fizzling and sputtering until they’d finally thrown the water on it. Zach was sure they could do it better this time, nurture the flame and build a steady blaze. After a few more beats of silence, Zach’s inability to keep quiet kicked in. “Frankie,” Zach started, his voice quieter than he'd intended. Frankie didn’t say anything, so Zach continued, “What are we—what do you—what are you thinking?” Zach really didn’t want to put his foot in his mouth. He already had a history of doing that and he didn’t want to start out that way.

“I think, well, I think I’m thinking that I’ve missed your eyes,” Frankie whispered. Zach’s smile grew wider and Frankie couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“These old things?” Zach joked, his tone lighter now, “I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to control them. They light up involuntarily. Must be the sights.” Frankie smirked in response. He couldn’t believe they were flirting—it was kind of amazing.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Frankie taunted. Frankie’s free hand was resting in front of him. He wanted to reach out and touch Zach’s face, but he hesitated for a second, unsure if that was the best move. He wanted to take things slower, try to feel each other out a bit first. It had been years. Certainly things were different now—with both of them. Plus, he reminded himself for what felt like the millionth time that falling back into their old patterns would be nothing but a disaster—again.

“Crazy about you,” Zach quipped. He instantly blushed. He had spoken before he thought. He had spent all morning trying not to come on too strong, now here he was, joking about how much he loved Frankie. Zach felt a wave of relief when Frankie chuckled softly. Zach was a little emboldened by the positive response. “So, you didn’t answer my question. What are you thinking—about, well, about us?” Zach asked again. Frankie wished Zach wouldn’t bite his lip at the end of the question like he did. All that did was draw Frankie’s eyes to Zach’s lips and remind him of how amazing it had felt when Zach had finally pressed his lips to Frankie’s all those years ago.

Frankie sighed softly, trying to stall for time to gather his thoughts. Eventually, he gave it up, choosing to just speak. Whatever came out is what came out. This was Zach after all. The man had no filter, so why should Frankie worry about filtering his thoughts—Zach could handle it. Zach had already weathered Frankie telling him to leave—so this would be a piece of cake.

“I love you,” Frankie started. Zach nodded encouragingly at Frankie. Zach had always known this. It didn’t matter if Frankie said it. Zach knew he’d always love Frankie in a way, so the same had to be true for Frankie. In some form or another, they’d loved each other since they’d met and it was never going to change. Zach whispered his love in response, not wanting to interrupt, but feeling like he had to respond in kind. Frankie smiled at Zach before he continued, “I, well, the truth is, I wanted to send you away and never see you again. It hurt too much. Your face and all the memories on top of everything else.” Frankie faltered, his voice cracking slightly when he thought about Ari. Somehow, he’d managed to spend the last few hours without the pain of losing Ari torturing him. Now, he felt it creeping back. Zach reached out, wiping a tear from Frankie’s cheek. Frankie hadn't even realized he’d shed a tear.

Zach’s touch brought Frankie back to the present. He shook his head a little, trying to return to his previous train of thought. “Actually,” Frankie began again, “I kind of talked myself out of that—or at least a former version of myself did.” Zach tilted his head, trying to look curious. Frankie wasn't paying attention as he reached around to his back pocket. When he didn’t feel the letter he’d stuck there when he got out of his car, his hands started searching the bed. When that failed to produce the letter, he quickly scrambled out of the bed, fretting at the letter's sudden disappearance. Frankie turned in a quick circle, searching the room. His eyes fell on the envelope near the doorway. He sighed as he walked over to pick it up, turning it in his hands so he could read Zach’s name. 

Zach was now sitting up in the bed, watching Frankie. He wasn’t sure what to do; he could feel himself getting anxious. Was it better to confess? Was it better to let Frankie show it to him and then pretend he hadn’t already read it? Was he a good enough actor? He had to make a split second decision as Frankie was holding the letter out for him. “Frankie, I—“ Zach muttered, before he was cut off by Frankie.

“I knew it! As soon I saw it lying over there. There’s no way you would miss this. It was so obvious. You read it, didn’t you? Don’t lie. I can tell when you’re lying,” Frankie insisted. Zach couldn’t tell if Frankie was angry or not. His voice had gotten louder and he was certainly being accused, but it didn’t sound angry.

Zach decided that if Frankie was going to give him another chance, the best thing to do was to be honest. He didn’t want to start anything with a lie. That had been the problem the last time—Zach had lied too much—to Frankie, to himself, to the world. “Yeah,” Zach confessed, casting his eyes downward and away from Frankie who had pulled the letter back to himself. “It has my name on it,” Zach offered. He knew it was a relatively weak excuse, but it was true—and that meant something.

Frankie wouldn’t say that he was angry. He was slightly disappointed though. He wanted to show the letter to Zach. He wanted to explain to Zach what it had meant to him before Zach read it. He was always going to let Zach read it—it was just a matter of when. “Please don’t be mad,” Zach whispered. Frankie’s eyes met Zach’s. Zach’s eyes were darting all over the place. Frankie knew that was his biggest tell—how to know Zach was nervous.

“Yeah, well, everything that has your name on it isn’t yours. That’s not how it works. We aren’t still in kindergarten,” Frankie teased, cocking his hips and resting one hand there as he puckered his lips in fake indignation. Now, Zach laughed at the dramatics. He felt a wave of relief. He’d told the truth and Frankie hadn’t been furious—maybe things really would be better this time. Frankie sat back down on the bed, still holding the letter in his hands. “Lauren gave this to me last night. She found it in New York before she flew to LA to be with my mother when they all thought—they thought I was...“ Frankie trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. 

Zach’s hand found Frankie’s back involuntarily, rubbing his fingertips over the fabric of Frankie’s shirt. “Can I read it again?” Zach asked.

“Together,” Frankie whispered in response. Zach nodded. Frankie began to open the letter as Zach scooted closer to Frankie. Zach’s head was practically resting on Frankie’s shoulder as they both read.

When he was done reading, Zach murmured, “You know that letter is beautiful, right?”

“I guess. I mean, I don’t know,” Frankie answered, shrugging his shoulders.

“It is. I almost wish you would’ve sent it to me years ago. Maybe we would have gotten more time, but who really knows. Honestly, I think it worked out just the way it was supposed to…I mean, I’m so happy I can be here for you now. But then, that’s only if I’m reading you right,” Zach explained. He glanced down at his hands for a second before he brought his eyes back up to meet Frankie’s. Frankie’s look was more intense now. Zach couldn’t look away if he wanted to.

“I think you are. I’m sorry—for everything. I shouldn’t have let you leave all those years ago. You were scared. It was hard, but it was worth it. I know it would’ve been worth it. Now, we have to do things differently. Maybe take things slowly,” Frankie suggested.

Zach shook his head. He saw the bewilderment in Frankie’s eyes, but he pressed on. “No. You once told me that you wanted to marry me. I should have proposed right then and there,” Zach started. He saw Frankie’s eyes widen and Zach chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m not about to propose to you. I just meant that I don’t think we have slow. We have everything or we have nothing. We aren’t a middle of the road couple. Nothing is easy and nothing is calm, but that’s not what I want. What I want is you—passion and pain and pleasure. I want it all,” Zach asserted. 

Frankie loved the speech Zach had just delivered. It was impassioned and reckless—just like Zach. He knew he was about to bring it down a notch, but he couldn’t keep himself from wanting to be more cautious this time. “Can we meet in the middle?” Frankie asked. Zach raised an eyebrow at Frankie. He couldn’t believe that Frankie was still talking about taking things slow, but Zach wasn’t going to argue about it—at least Frankie wanted to take things somewhere!

“How do we do that?” Zach wondered.

“We go slow until we can’t anymore,” Frankie reasoned, shrugging his shoulders.

Zach nodded, unsure what to do now. “Do I get to call you my boyfriend now?” Zach finally asked. Frankie laughed heartily at that, flopping onto his back on the bed, his head on the pillow Zach had used last night. 

“You do realize how funny it is that you’re asking me that question, right?” Frankie asked. Zach was chuckling a little too now, nodding his head in agreement. Zach wasn’t afraid anymore as he dropped his head to Frankie’s chest, lying down with him.

“I meant it though. Do I?” Zach asked again.

“Yes,” Frankie murmured to the top of Zach’s head.

Zach propped himself up, grin on his face as he looked at Frankie who was smiling widely too. “I just—“ Zach started, cut off by the sound of Frankie’s phone beeping. Frankie reached for it instantly, shifting his weight so he could get it out of his pocket and read the text message.

“It’s Jon-Erik. I have to go back. We have to go back. This is the last day to get everything together for the memorial. There's a lot to be done. I can't leave it all up to my mom. She needs my help,” Frankie explained as he quickly got out the bed, grabbing the letter and heading for the door. “Well, come on!” Frankie exclaimed at Zach who still hadn’t moved from the bed. Zach rushed to grab some shoes. He was outside his hotel room door before he knew it, chasing after Frankie who had rushed to the elevator, pressing the call button well before Zach had even caught up. Once in the elevator, Frankie grabbed Zach’s hand. Zach interlaced their fingers, smiling to himself. _Slow_ , he thought, but not for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you still like the story? I have ideas for more...


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think it's time that we set our sights on the here and now  
> Baby sitting round here and talking 'bout it doesn't count  
> Can we slow down and just take our time  
> Close our eyes and just enjoy the ride  
> Just enjoy the ride

The drive to Frankie’s house was uneventful at first. After they stopped to pick up lunch for the entire crew, Frankie drove down the highway a little faster than he probably should have. Zach had to look away from the road on occasion. Zach was not a great driver, but Frankie could be downright scary. There was a comfortable silence between them, the radio playing in the background. The bright sun tried to chase away the cool bite in the February air. Zach had rolled his window down when they pulled off of the highway, feeling the chilly rush of air, enjoying the freedom. He felt free for the first time in a long time. Zach was pretty sure they were close to Frankie’s house when the DJ on the radio started talking about Ari. He was reporting that a private memorial would be held the next day in Florida. Zach wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be public knowledge or not.

Frankie stiffened a little at the mention of Ari’s name. He tried not to let it show. It’s not that he was worried about how Zach would react. Zach had already proven that he would be there for him. It was more about how Frankie felt like he needed to get used to this. Ari had been a major public figure and people were going to talk about her—a lot, at least for a while. He didn’t want to break down every time he heard her name or one of her songs played. He felt like he needed to be stronger than that, not for anyone else, but for himself and maybe a little for her.

Zach glanced sideways at Frankie, trying to gauge his reaction to the DJ’s announcement. Frankie’s face had returned to stoic. Zach knew that was an act. He wasn’t sure why Frankie was bothering to put that act on when he was the only one in the car, but he tried not to dwell on it too much. Zach wanted to say something, but he didn’t have anything to say. Everything that came to his mind felt too cliché. If Frankie wasn’t driving, he’d pull him onto his lap and hold him, but that wasn’t an option right now. To make matters worse, Ari’s latest single started playing when the DJ stopped talking. Zach almost reached out to change the channel, but then he wondered if maybe Frankie wanted to hear the song. It was almost torture for Zach to listen to Ari sing and he hadn’t even spoken to her in years. He couldn’t even imagine what Frankie was thinking.

Frankie felt his eyes tear when Ari started singing. He had kind of been avoiding her music. He hadn’t left his house except to go to Zach, so it had been pretty easy to avoid. He’d only heard small clips of her when his friends were sorting through videos to use at the memorial. He couldn’t explain the feeling. It was like a stab to his heart and warm blanket wrapped around him all at once. It hurt to hear her because it was a reminder of what was gone, but it was also comforting. He’d surrounded himself in Ari’s music for so long, that its familiarity was soothing. Frankie could imagine Ari singing the song and it made him smile. He’d been there when she was writing this one. He’d heard her sing and re-sing portions of the lyrics as she tried to get them just right.

The song was about halfway through when Frankie reached out to change the channel. It had become too much. While it had almost been nice at first, his thoughts had started spiraling and he had to break the fall before he crashed. He didn’t look at Zach. He was certain if he looked at Zach, he’d fall apart. Frankie pressed the button for another channel, but when he tried to pull his hand back, Zach had taken hold of it instead. Zach pulled Frankie’s hand up, pressing the cool, soft skin of the back of Frankie’s hand against his warm cheek. He held it there for a second before he kissed the back of Frankie’s hand. He rested their hands between them, fingers intertwined. Zach put his attention on Frankie’s face now. Zach could see where a tear had escaped from behind Frankie’s sunglasses. Zach squeezed Frankie’s hand, leaning back in his seat, simply stating, “I’ve got you.” Frankie nodded even though he knew Zach wasn’t looking anymore.

It was a few minutes later when Frankie pulled into the garage. Zach started reaching in the backseat and had his arms loaded with bags of food when he followed Frankie into the house. Zach was swarmed with people as soon as he walked in the door, each taking bags and before he knew it, there was a large spread of food on the counter. Zach was hungry, but he hung back a little, watching everyone else. 

Frankie already had his food and was seated at his place at the table when Joan came up to Zach. She was smiling brightly. Zach wasn’t sure what—if anything—Frankie had told her, but she was definitely capable of reading between the lines. She hugged him tightly. Zach tried to return the hug the best he could. He loved how Frankie’s family was so warm and loving. They always had been. “I am so happy you’re here. Look at him. Do you see that smile?” Joan whispered into Zach’s ear. Zach glanced at Frankie then. He was smiling, widely, laughing at Dominic and Paul. “That’s you,” Joan stated matter-of-factly before she left Zach, carrying a plate of food to the table. 

Zach blushed a little before he recovered himself. What Joan had said played back in his mind. When he looked up again, Frankie winked at him. Zach grinned at him, retrieving his own food from the counter. Zach took the seat next to Frankie that had been left open for him. Frankie was talking seriously with his mother about all of the details that weren’t taken care of yet. Zach ate quietly, noticing the way Lauren looked at him. She smiled slyly, her eyes sliding off of him as she focused on Paul, starting a new conversation. Zach made a mental note to thank her later. When Zach was done eating, he slipped his hand on Frankie’s knee, squeezing gently. Frankie’s hand covered his in response. 

Zach heard Frankie ask Joan to get Zach a ticket for their flight to Florida tomorrow. Frankie felt Zach’s hand squeeze his knee again when Frankie asked. Frankie glanced at Zach, smiling at him before he returned to his conversation with Joan, who was assuring him that she would definitely get Zach on their flight. Joan smiled at Zach at the end of the statement and he smiled back. There was no way he could explain the feeling of belonging he had right now. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like all those years ago. He’d fit so easily into Frankie’s life when he wanted to, when he hadn’t been afraid. Now, he refused to be scared. He’d spent too much of his life afraid.

Lauren cleared her throat after a few more minutes. Everyone stopped talking as they turned to look at her. “So, do you have an announcement to make or what?” she asked. Her eyes were focused on Zach’s outstretched right hand. Zach momentarily thought about moving his hand, but Frankie’s hand squeezed his, so he didn’t move. Zach glanced quickly at Frankie who was rolling his eyes at Lauren. 

“Seriously, don’t make me beat it out of you. You ran out of here like your hair was on fire last night to go see this one. We all know you are together,” Lauren insisted. Zach chuckled at that. The image of Frankie showing up at his hotel in the night popped into his head—how much more of a romantic comedy could they become?

Frankie smirked at Lauren as he stood from his seat. “Yeah, I’m gonna blame you for that,” he tossed at her, rolling his eyes. Frankie kissed Zach’s cheek as he walked away into the kitchen.

“Hey!” Zach protested, putting on his best wounded expression. Frankie blew Zach a kiss. Zach winked in response, getting up from the table and following Frankie. He wrapped his arms around Frankie’s waist, dropping a kiss on Frankie’s neck. 

Frankie stepped away and started delegating tasks. Frankie was going to assemble the clips, pictures, and music that had been selected for Ari’s video tribute. They were going to play it tomorrow as part of the service. When Frankie took his seat on the couch, Zach scooted closer so he could see the computer screen too. He was assigned to help Frankie after all—even though he knew nothing about editing videos. Zach’s lips pressed against Frankie’s cheek before he settled down, his left side as close to Frankie as possible. Frankie smiled softly and briefly slid his hand onto Zach’s knee in response. Zach watched as Frankie put together the pictures and videos, carefully selecting the music to play at different parts. Zach offered his opinion when Frankie asked; otherwise, he was content to sit with Frankie. 

Zach spent most of the time watching the way Frankie’s face would contort in concentration and then break into loving smiles when he saw pictures he’d forgotten about. Then Frankie stopped on a picture of Ari with Grandpa and Nonna for a long time. Zach saw Frankie’s eyes tear up and he slid his arms around Frankie’s middle, wanting to provide him comfort. Zach pressed another kiss to Frankie’s cheek. Frankie whispered, “I miss them.” Zach nodded, pulling Frankie closer. 

“They’re watching. They’re so proud of you baby. I know it,” Zach murmured. Frankie dried his eyes and continued going through the pictures.

Frankie suddenly stopped working on the video and began searching relentlessly through files on his computer. “What are you looking for?” Zach asked curiously when he noticed that Frankie was going back years and years in his pictures.

“You’ll see love,” Frankie answered. Zach watched until Frankie pulled up a set of pictures and Zach saw his own face. Frankie heard the sharp intake of breath in his ear, but kept going as he looked for the picture he had in mind. The picture was from the one and only Halloween they’d spent together. Frankie couldn’t help but laugh about how they’d called it ‘zankieween’ that year. He’d been truly happy that night and he knew Zach had felt the same. Frankie finally found what he was looking for. A picture of Frankie, Zach, Joan, and Ari filled his computer screen. Zach smiled softly as he looked at the image he'd never even seen. He'd almost forgotten that they'd taken it. Zach's arm was around Frankie's waist, Frankie's hand on the side of Zach's head. Frankie's other arm was wrapped around Ari while Zach had his arm over Joan's shoulders. Frankie did some quick editing on the picture and added it to the slideshow—amongst the other Halloween pictures.

“Are you sure?” Zach whispered.

Frankie grabbed Zach’s hand in his, turning to look at him, his eyes meeting Zach’s. “A thousand percent baby,” Frankie responded.

“I love you,” Zach murmured, his head falling to Frankie’s shoulder.

“Love you back,” Frankie whispered.

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. Zach didn’t even realize he was hungry until Paul had returned with dinner. Frankie kept working while Zach got food for both of them. Frankie ate quickly and declared the video done after another hour. “Mommy! Did you get Zach’s flight arranged?” Frankie asked from across the room.

Joan got up from her seat at the dining table, “Yeah, we’re good to go. I guess you’re stuck with us Zach,” she joked as she walked over to them. Frankie jumped to his feet, hugging her tightly. When they broke apart, she hugged Zach wishing him a goodnight before she left the room.

“I need to pack,” Frankie declared, pulling Zach’s hand as he headed for the stairs. 

“Go ahead, I’ll be right there,” Zach said. Frankie dropped his hand, giving Zach an appraising look. “Go, really, I’ll just be a minute,” Zach insisted. Frankie turned carefully then hurried up the stairs, disappearing from view. Zach turned back around, looking for Lauren. She was drying some dishes in the kitchen. Zach walked directly to her. She looked up and smiled knowingly. Zach opened his arms, pulling her into a tight hug when he got there. “Thank you Lauren. Seriously, I can’t thank you enough,” Zach said. 

Lauren hugged him back. “Well…it seemed like the right thing to do,” she answered.

“Well, thank you. You’re amazing,” Zach reiterated. He kissed her cheek lightly and walked quickly to the stairs, taking them two at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter wasn't super exciting...but we covered some important aspects...you'll like the next one. I have plans for it...


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just keep it simple like that  
> Just keep it under your hat  
> I’m wanting you and that’s all, ooh la la  
> So, just say you love me, darling, I got to know, know  
> And when you kiss me, baby, go for the soul  
> You want the honey, honey, you got to show me  
> What you got, got, got  
> And then we can rock and roll

Zach walked hurriedly down the hall, turning directly into Frankie’s bedroom. Frankie was standing at the end of the bed, suitcase open and neatly stacked piles of folded clothes around the suitcase. Zach smirked—of course Frankie was a neat packer. Zach usually took the opposite approach: stuff it until it fits. Frankie was holding a shirt in front of him and started folding it before he noticed Zach. Frankie’s face broke into a grin, his teeth showing. Zach loved that smile. He loved the tiny gap between Frankie’s front teeth. He couldn’t explain why, but he almost found it sexy. It was just so Frankie—and everything about Frankie was perfect. Zach was even more certain of that now than he ever was.

“Hello love,” Frankie greeted as he reached for the next shirt to fold. 

Zach said, “Hi babe,” as he moved into the room, falling face first onto Frankie’s bed. “I’m so tired,” Zach complained. “I think I get to blame you. You did wake me up in the middle of the night,” he joked.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t mess up my clothes,” Frankie chided as he reached for the pile nearest Zach that was sitting rather precariously now. “And fine, I’ll let you blame me, but only if you stay here tonight,” Frankie countered, a sly smile on his face.

Zach glanced up just in time to see the smile and giggled a little. He stopped suddenly. He didn’t giggle like that anymore. It had been years since he heard himself make that sound. Yet, here it was, brought to life again by Frankie, the man who had made Zach giggle so much that people made a video about it. Zach rolled onto his side, propping himself up with his elbow. “You know you’re one of a kind, right?” Zach asked. He was pretty sure Frankie knew it, but he felt like he had to say it.

“That’s what they tell me,” Frankie remarked, a twinkle in his eye when he winked at Zach. He was placing clothes in the suitcase now. He finished quickly and moved the suitcase off of the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed next to Zach who sat up. “You, my love, are one of a kind too,” Frankie murmured, leaning in to kiss Zach’s cheek.

Zach groaned slightly. He was hoping for a kiss in that moment. He was trying to take Frankie’s cues. Frankie had said slow. Zach wanted anything but slow. In fact, ripping Frankie’s clothes off and showing him just how badly he wanted him wouldn’t be fast enough for Zach. He wanted it all and he wanted it now. 

The groan didn’t escape Frankie. He knew. He understood. He wanted to give into it too—the natural chemistry. It was still there. When any part of his body touched Zach’s, it was like there was this trail of lingering warmth. It was just like how the embers of a fire remained smoldering for hours. It felt wonderful. He wanted to let Zach make him glow with the feeling, but he couldn’t do it yet. He couldn’t explain it, even to himself, but he knew he had to do it differently this time. He’d made that mistake before and it hadn’t turned out well.

“Soon baby,” Frankie promised, grabbing Zach’s hand and kissing the back of it. Zach nodded. He understood. He knew that Frankie could feel the longing building inside him. It was practically oozing out of him. _Soon_ —damn, Zach was starting to hate that word.

Before he could think much more about it, Frankie got up from the bed, pulling Zach by the hand into the bathroom. Frankie rummaged in his drawer for a minute until he pulled out a new toothbrush. Zach smiled widely. “Oh, thank god,” Zach murmured, “I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to sleep without brushing my teeth.” Frankie winked at him, putting toothpaste on his own toothbrush. Zach followed suit, but before he started brushing he wondered, “So, my stuff…I have to get it before we leave.”

Frankie nodded in agreement, a muffled “tomorrow” escaping his lips. Zach nodded. That worked for him. Sure, he had a few things in there he wished he had now, like something nicer to sleep in, but he’d have to make do. He regretted not putting on better underwear after he’d showered this morning, but he wasn’t really sure then what was going to happen with Frankie. Then Zach reminded himself that nothing was going to happen—not tonight. Frankie had made that pretty clear. Zach was desperate to kiss Frankie, just once—now, preferably.

Frankie finished brushing his teeth and headed for the bathroom door. Before he could get out of the bathroom, Zach reached out, playfully swatting Frankie’s ass. Frankie turned around on the spot, a smile etched on his face that he tried to reign in as he scolded Zach. “Behave yourself,” Frankie intoned, his face failing to look serious. Zach held up his hands in mock innocence as Frankie turned to leave.

It took Zach another couple of minutes to brush his teeth before he rinsed his mouth and headed back to Frankie’s room, turning the light in the bathroom out. Frankie was already in bed. He was sitting up slightly, the covers on the other side of the bed pulled back for Zach. The overhead light was still on as Frankie reached over to turn on his lamp. Zach smiled to himself when he saw that Frankie wasn’t wearing a shirt. It was a consolation prize for the lack of kiss, but one he’d happily accept. He couldn’t wait to feel Frankie’s skin against his.

“So do I get to sleep shirtless too,” Zach teased as he stood at the end of the bed.

Frankie rolled his eyes. “Yes, Rose,” Frankie deadpanned.

“Oh, okay. Just making sure. I mean, you haven’t even kissed me yet. I knew you wanted to go slow, but I didn’t realize you were a fucking snail. Since when?” Zach taunted. Frankie laughed. Zach relaxed a little. He didn’t actually want to fight and he felt like he’d already made his desires at least slightly obvious. He figured why not just spit it out and see how Frankie responded? 

“All in good time,” Frankie said with a smirk. “Shirt off,” he ordered, “then lights out and come here. I need to cuddle.”

Zach couldn’t do anything other than obey. Cuddling sounded wonderful. He’d always loved to cuddle and cuddling with Frankie was better than cuddling with anyone else—last night definitely reminded him of that. Zach pulled his shirt over his head, draping it over Frankie’s suitcase before he undid his shorts, tossing them next to his shirt. He walked towards the light switch by the door, flicking the light off as he turned to walk back to the other side of the bed. 

“Wait,” Frankie murmured. Zach stopped, turning back towards Frankie. “Come here,” Frankie ordered. Zach wasn’t sure what was happening, but he did it. Just before Zach had turned the light out, Frankie's eyes had caught something on Zach’s left chest, over his ribcage. It looked like mottled skin. “Is that—is that a bruise?” Frankie asked as Zach came to a stop in front of him. Zach felt himself blush a little. He’d forgotten about that—it had stopped hurting after the first night and it had only been a mild soreness anyway.

“It’s nothing,” Zach said, trying to turn away from Frankie and reaching to turn the lamp out on Frankie’s bedside table. Frankie caught his arm before he could turn the light off. Frankie was sitting on the edge of his bed now. He reached out, running his fingers over the bruise on the side of Zach’s chest. It wasn’t that big, but it was a blotchy purple with yellowing edges. It was definitely fading, but it wasn’t that old. 

Frankie felt horrible as he recalled how he’d fought against Zach the first day he’d arrived. He had been feeling too many emotions at once, plus his feelings for Zach weren’t exactly all love at that time. It had been cathartic, but now he felt bad. “Did—did I do that?” Frankie questioned. 

Zach saw the concern in Frankie’s eyes and way the corners of his mouth were drawn down. Zach almost wanted to lie to him, but he couldn’t. Besides, he knew that Frankie already knew where the bruise had come from. Zach was thankful there was only one bruise. He didn’t want to deal with Frankie doting over multiple injuries. “Yeah, but it’s okay. Really, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. It’s fine. Please don’t worry about it,” Zach pleaded, his eyes meeting Frankie’s. 

Frankie’s fingers brushed over Zach’s skin again. Zach felt a shiver down his spine. It wasn’t that it hurt, but Frankie’s touch was so delicate. It was almost like the ghost of a touch. Frankie smiled to himself. Zach was always so sensitive to his touch. It was one of the things he’d loved about Zach. Frankie leaned in, closing his eyes and pressing his lips gently to Zach’s skin, over the fading patch of purples and yellows. Zach stopped breathing. He knew there was no way that Frankie’s kiss on the side of his chest should feel that good, but it did. Maybe it was the fact that Frankie wouldn’t even kiss him, but Zach didn’t care about that anymore, his skin was definitely on fire right now.

Frankie got to his feet, pressing his lips gently over the bruise again and kissing up the side of Zach’s chest, his kisses soft and lingering. Zach closed his eyes, trying to absorb the sensation. It had been too long. He hadn’t felt this much in years. Frankie planted his kisses in a deliberate line, working his way up from the bruise, diagonally, a few kisses falling just north of Zach’s nipple until he kissed along Zach’s collarbone, finally reaching his neck. Frankie’s lips pressed up Zach’s neck, stopping short of his jaw line. Frankie pulled back, his hands now gripping either side of Zach’s face. Zach’s eyes were still closed, but they fluttered open when he felt Frankie’s hands. Zach smiled softly at Frankie.

Frankie pressed his forehead to Zach’s, capturing Zach’s gaze. He could feel Zach’s hands sliding up his sides to his shoulders. “All better?” Frankie whispered. 

“Almost,” Zach murmured in response. Frankie’s mouth quirked into a smile. Zach slid one hand behind Frankie’s head, fingers splayed in Frankie’s untamed hair. Frankie closed the distance, pressing his lips to Zach’s. It was a soft kiss, simple in every way. It only lasted a few seconds, but Zach felt like the world around him had just filled with an electric charge. He could have sworn he could hear the air buzzing around them. 

When Frankie pulled away, Zach moved closer, pressing his lips insistently to Frankie’s again. The kiss built, their lips moving together, Zach’s hand firm behind Frankie’s head. Frankie gave into the sensation, feeling a pull deep within himself. They were merging more than lips. It felt like they were one—a single entity—body, heart, and soul all uniting and blending in a way that could never be undone. It was unlike anything Frankie had felt and he never wanted to lose it.

When Zach finally broke the kiss, he pulled Frankie tighter, wrapping his arms around Frankie’s waist, his lips falling to Frankie’s shoulder. Frankie took a step back, pulling Zach on to the bed with him. Frankie rolled back over to turn the lamp off before taking his place at Zach’s side, his cheek against Zach’s warm skin.

Zach started to run his hand up and down Frankie’s back, his fingertips brushing over the soft skin that he could call his own again. It was a strange thought. He almost couldn’t believe they’d ever been apart. Nothing felt more right to him than Frankie. “I love you,” Zach murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of Frankie’s head.

“I love you too,” Frankie whispered in response before he lifted his head, kissing Zach’s chest once. He rested his head against Zach again, enjoying the feel of Zach’s hand on his back. He never wanted to let Zach go. His mind drifted back to the kiss as he tried to sleep. He’d almost worried he’d built it up too much in his mind, but he’d been wrong. It was everything—the feel of Zach’s strong hand on the back of his head, his lips tender, soft, melding with Frankie’s like they were always meant to. Frankie felt like he could still feel Zach’s lips against his, soft and sweet, almost tentative in the first kiss before devolving into a slow passionate dance in the second. _Slow_ , Frankie realized, was going to be harder than he’d thought, but it seemed like it would be well worth it if every kiss felt like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worth the wait?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well I'm going home  
> Downhearted and hoping  
> I'm close to some new beginning  
> I know there's a reason for everything  
> That comes and goes

The morning was a bit of a whirlwind. Frankie’s alarm went off before the sun came up. Frankie sprang out of bed in an instant, jumping in the shower with barely a ‘morning’ thrown toward Zach. Zach stayed in bed. He didn’t have anything to do here, but he knew he’d have to pack fast when they got back to his hotel room. 

Zach checked his phone, seeing a new message from his mother who was wondering what his plans were. Zach responded simply that he’d be back in Florida today, but he’d be busy with Ari’s memorial and that he wasn’t really sure how long he’d be in Florida. He was going to have to talk to her—soon. He hoped that conversation would go better than some that they’d had in the past. He was fairly certain that it would. Things had changed in the last few years and Zach’s life was definitely his own since he moved out of their house. 

When Frankie came out of the shower, towel wrapped tightly around his waist, Zach sat up in bed. “Come here,” Zach requested, his eyes raking over Frankie’s chest and abs, water still glistening in places. Frankie smiled slyly, shaking his head in refusal. Zach laughed, climbing out of bed and grabbing Frankie around the waist. Frankie’s damp chest pressed against Zach’s.

Frankie chuckled lightly. “Always so eager…yes, I remember that now,” he joked, winking at Zach who was smiling widely, his arms loosely draped around Frankie’s waist. Frankie put his arms up on Zach’s shoulders. Frankie couldn’t help but feel comfortable this way. He’d been afraid of moving too fast—he still was—but it wasn’t like he wanted to take a step backwards. He moved one hand to the back of Zach’s neck, rubbing his fingertips back and forth over the shorter hairs there.

“Does that mean that I get what I want?” Zach murmured, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Frankie’s. Frankie returned the kiss, his lips brushing against Zach’s a few times before he pulled back, admiring Zach’s face. Frankie loved the way Zach slowly blinked his eyes open after they kissed, his face soft, a shy grin spreading across his face after a few seconds. Frankie used to be tortured by that look—the memory of it in his dreams, but now it was real again. 

Frankie stepped out of Zach’s embrace, swatting him on the butt playfully. “Go shower so we can get going,” Frankie insisted as he turned back to his dresser to find clothes for the travel day. Zach did as he was told, showering faster than normal and emerging to find a set of clean clothes on the bed waiting for him. Frankie wasn’t in the room. Zach laughed lightly to himself, of course Frankie would leave him clothes. Frankie always liked to pick out clothes for Zach and he couldn’t say that he minded. Zach quickly put on the clothes Frankie had left for him, folding his old clothes and carrying them downstairs with him. He didn’t have to look too hard for Frankie who was in the kitchen chatting with Lauren. 

Frankie looked up to see Zach enter the room. He winked at him again, his eyes dragging down Zach, looking him over and appreciating the sight. Frankie couldn’t explain it, but he loved dressing Zach—and putting him in his clothes made it even better. “Perfect! Let’s go! There’s a car waiting for us so we can stop by the hotel before we get to the airport. Everyone else will meet us there,” Frankie stated quickly, hugging Lauren and grabbing Zach’s arm before he could even greet Lauren.

Frankie pulled Zach into the back of the black car waiting for them. They rode together quietly, Zach taking Frankie’s hand in his own soon after they pulled away and holding it throughout the short drive. Zach was slightly surprised when they got to the hotel that Frankie came inside with him. Once in the room, Zach set about packing quickly, opening his suitcase and throwing the dirty clothes inside. Frankie watched with an amused smile on his face until his eyes fell on the picture propped on the bedside table. 

Frankie crossed the room, picking up the picture of him and Zach, smiling like they didn’t have a care in the world. His finger brushed across their faces, his mind flashing back to that night. It had been one of the most memorable nights of his life. It had been everything he wanted in a lot of ways except for one. He’d been forced to part from Zach that night with a lot of uncertainty hanging in the air. Maybe Frankie should have seen it from the start and he probably did, but he’d lied to himself, trying to ignore all the signs that pointed out all of the problems they would ultimately face. 

Frankie shook his head, breaking that reverie. It didn’t matter now. Now, Zach was here and telling him that he wanted to be with him, truly and wholeheartedly. Frankie’s eye caught on the plethora of bracelets on his wrists in the picture. Then his mind started to stray again, memories of Ari filling his head. He could see her smiling face, the way she’d greeted him and Zach that night, nothing but joy and light coming from her. She’d been so excited to see Frankie, but even more excited to meet Zach. Frankie had been a little surprised, but pleasantly so. Frankie remembered the look of shock and awe on Zach’s face when Ari gave him the pink hat from BAPE. It was still one of the cutest things he’d ever seen. When she’d taken this picture, she couldn’t stop giggling, whispering something about the way Zach kept looking at Frankie. Frankie remembered seeing Zach blush a little when Ari had spoken too loudly about Zach’s eyes. Frankie had reached out and squeezed Zach’s hand, bringing out another smile before Zach glanced around the room, dropping Frankie’s hand. 

Frankie sat down on the edge of the bed, the picture still gripped tightly in one hand. Zach had been laser focused on his packing, not wanting to be the cause of any delays. He zipped his suitcase and turned to find Frankie sitting on the bed, his face downcast. Zach came around the edge of the bed to see the picture—that picture—in Frankie’s hand. Frankie quickly wiped his hand across the photo before drying his hand on the sheets of the bed, a few wet spots left behind. Zach dropped onto the bed, sitting sideways, one leg tucked beneath him, the other over the edge of the bed. He carefully pulled the picture from Frankie’s grip. Frankie resisted, but let go in the end. 

Zach had forgotten that he’d left that picture out. He knew what must be going through Frankie’s mind—it had gone through his too. That night was such a mix of emotions and Ari had been there, in the center of all of it, capturing moments and sharing secrets. Zach remembered her whispering all night long, both to him and to Frankie. That was the night he knew that she was something special—not just a talented singer, but an amazing person with an incredible mixture of humor, sweetness, and sass. Zach regretted that she wouldn’t get to see this version of him and Frankie—and he was determined to get this version right.

Zach set the picture back on the side table, his other hand reaching out to rub Frankie’s back. Then he was wiping the tears from Frankie’s face, trying to pull him closer. Frankie collapsed against Zach’s chest, tears still flowing silently. Zach kissed the top of Frankie’s head, still rubbing his back with one hand, the other cradling his head. Zach wasn’t sure if it would help, but he knew he’d always liked it, so he started rubbing Frankie’s ear between his fingers. 

Frankie had to smile softly against Zach’s chest. Zach was trying—trying so hard to be what he needed and it was the most endearing thing. He had to admit, the ear rubbing felt nice. He kind of understood why Zach liked it so much. After a minute, Frankie sniffled, wiping his own face with his hand and sitting up from Zach’s chest. Zach continued to rub his back, resting his other hand on Frankie’s thigh, squeezing lightly. “I’m here baby and I’m going to be here. There’s nowhere else for me,” Zach whispered. “Talk to me,” he requested softly.

Frankie turned to look at Zach who appeared to have tears in his own eyes. Frankie smiled apologetically. “It’s just that picture, you know? There are so many memories—memories with Ari. It was a little overwhelming. Did you hear what she whispered to me after we took that photo?” Frankie asked.

Zach shook his head. Frankie smiled lightly at the memory. “I can hear it as if it happened yesterday. She whispered, ‘You two are in love. Fight for it.’ That used to haunt me. When we were together and when we weren’t. When we were trying to make it work, I felt like we always had to fight for it, but we were constantly losing ground. Then, when we finally stopped fighting, it was a reminder of what I could have and maybe should have done differently. Maybe it's not that relevant anymore, but it always stuck with me.” Frankie explained, his voice low.

Zach had too many conflicting emotions. He wasn’t sure what to say, so he just leaned in, kissing Frankie quickly and softly. “She was wise beyond her years, but you knew that. She was right. She was more right than anyone else. I know there will come a time, once again, where we’ll have to choose to fight for each other. I promise to do that, better than before. We’re in this together and no matter what may happen down the road, I won’t forget to fight for it—for us, for everything I need and everything I want—everything I have in you,” Zach murmured.

Frankie wiped his eyes again, pressing a kiss to Zach’s lips, his hands on either side of Zach’s face now. He looked him in the eyes when he spoke, “I’ll fight for you. I won’t let it go this time. I love you.”

“I love you too Frankie,” Zach replied. Zach pulled away first, grabbing the picture off of the table and folding it in the same place as before. He tucked it carefully in a pocket of his suitcase and held his hand out for Frankie, who took it gladly. “Let’s not be late,” Zach stated, smiling at Frankie as he squeezed his hand. Frankie nodded in agreement.

On the ride to the airport, Frankie dropped his head onto Zach’s shoulder, closing his eyes for the ride. Ari was still on his mind—her laugh, her voice, her jokes, and the way that she always made Frankie feel loved in a way that only his little sister could. Zach’s hand rubbed soothingly across Frankie’s knee as they once again rode in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you still want more of this story?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause gravity happens  
> And we don't know it till after we've hit the ground  
> And the world's spinning faster  
> With each day that passes and each dashing hour  
> What am I to do? I've broken my parachute  
> If gravity happens, then I'll fasten wings to my shoes

Frankie felt his stomach lurch. The flight crew had just closed the plane door and he could feel the plane moving in reverse and away from the jet bridge. He glanced to his left, but Zach’s face was turned away from him while he looked out the window as they taxied to the runway. Frankie took a deep breath, willing himself not to think about it. He could feel his stomach ache in anticipation, the nerves clearly building despite his best efforts. He wasn’t sure why he was so afraid now. He’d flown just a few days ago from Costa Rica without any problems. The rational side of Frankie’s brain knew that flying was safer than any other form of travel, but the irrational side didn’t care about that at the moment. He closed his eyes, but right now all he could think about was plane crashes. His mind was running a loop of plane crashes he’d seen on TV or in movies—fire, smoke, wreckage, destruction, and death. 

Frankie could feel his heart beating rapidly. He opened his eyes, willing them to focus on the seat in front of him, on anything really. He didn’t need those thoughts—more importantly, those images—in his head. He was gripping the arm rests and quickly moved his hands to his lap, clasping them together as he waited. He didn’t dare look out the window. He thought it might be best if he didn’t know when they were going to take off. 

Zach was still glued to the window, watching as they turned a corner and Zach thought they must be close to take off. He used to be afraid of flying. If he was honest, he still was—just a little—but he’d flown a lot more over the last five years and it had gotten easier. It was always worse when he flew alone, but when he had someone to fly with, he was easily distracted and could almost enjoy it. 

Frankie was struggling. He didn’t want to make a big deal about it. His mother was on this flight, just two rows in front of him and he didn’t want her to know that he was kind of having a bit of a panic attack. He wanted to be strong for her. That was his job. That was his role—or at least he'd always felt that it was. He was the man of the family and had been for a few years now. He had to be the rock. He wasn’t sure how to reconcile that notion with his currently racing heartbeat and sweaty palms. He could say something to Zach, or maybe just take his hand for comfort. He knew Zach wouldn’t mind, but Frankie didn’t want to be a broken thing for Zach to coddle. It had been in the back of his mind all week. Despite Zach’s sincerity, Frankie couldn’t help but wonder if Zach’s feelings were somehow influenced by a notion that he should protect Frankie or that he was someone to be pitied now. Frankie hated that idea. He didn’t want that. He wanted to be an equal with Zach. Even though Frankie had already given in to Zach, he still worried. It’s not like he could take it back now. He was in for whatever his and Zach’s new relationship would have in store, but he couldn’t stop wondering.

So, Frankie kept his mouth shut and his hands tightly gripped together in his lap. When he felt the plane start to speed up, surely about to take off, he closed his eyes tightly. He remembered hearing that take-off and landing were the most dangerous parts of flying. It was a few seconds later when he felt himself get lightheaded and he realized he’d been holding his breath. He let the air out quickly, sucking in another large breath. The sound of Frankie’s loud breathe distracted Zach from the window and he turned to see Frankie, his eyes squeezed shut and the knuckles on his fingers turning white. 

Zach reached out, one hand on top of Frankie's hands. Frankie flinched a little, his eyes blinking open then closed again as he saw Zach looking at him, concern on his face. Zach had to pull Frankie’s hands apart, sliding his hand between both of Frankie’s. Frankie held on tight to Zach’s hand as he felt the plane lifting off of the ground. Frankie took a few deep breaths until he figured they’d successfully taken off. When he opened his eyes again, he realized Zach had lifted the armrest between them, one hand still between Frankie’s, the other on Frankie’s knee as he twisted awkwardly in his seat, seatbelt still tightly fastened. Frankie smiled sheepishly as he loosened his grip on Zach, wiping his hands on his pants. 

Zach slid an arm behind Frankie’s back and Frankie leaned over a little, his head falling onto Zach’s shoulder. Zach’s hand ran back and forth along Frankie’s back in the small space between Frankie and the seat. “Babe. Why didn’t you say something?” Zach murmured, feeling Frankie relax against him. Frankie shrugged in response, not wanting to actually answer the question. He felt silly for trying to keep his fear to himself when he didn’t have to. Frankie briefly wondered if he’d gotten too used to being alone a lot of the time, or at least, too used to not having a partner to confide everything in. He had great friends who were supportive, but that was different.

They were well up in the clouds by this time and the plane jerked again as they hit some turbulence. Frankie’s hand grasped tightly onto Zach’s knee for support. It only lasted for a few seconds, but Frankie was slow to relax again. “So…you’ve picked up my fear of flying now. Completely understandable,” Zach started, trying to broach the subject again.

“Apparently. I flew out of Costa Rica so easily. I wasn’t expecting this. I thought I’d be fine and then, well, I guess my subconscious took over and decided I wouldn’t be fine,” Frankie answered.

Zach reasoned, “Well, I might be wrong, but I’m guessing you hadn’t really slept before your last flight and that probably made it easier since you had no energy to burn. I don’t know. Am I wrong?”

“No, that’s pretty accurate. I was also pretty numb at that point, I guess. I hadn’t had enough time to process. I wasn't feeling very much at that time,” Frankie confessed.

“Makes sense,” Zach murmured in response, pressing his lips to Frankie’s forehead. Zach looked up and saw Lauren looking back at them from a few rows in front of them on the other side of the plane. Zach smiled lightly and nodded. That seemed to be enough as Lauren turned around again. Zach wanted to talk more about why Frankie hadn't said anything to Zach before take-off, but he figured the plane wasn’t the best place to have this conversation, so he settled back in his seat, Frankie’s head against his shoulder.

It was a long flight. Even though he’d flown this exact route too many times to count, Frankie still felt like it was the longest plane ride of his life. Zach was sweet, not pressing him for details and content to ride silently or partake in conversation as it suited Frankie. There was turbulence periodically and each time it happened, Frankie found it was a little easier to handle. With each bump, he’d find his hands holding onto Zach, but his grip was loosening with each episode. Frankie hoped this would be a passing fear. A fear of flying was not something he was looking to fit into his schedule.

Zach was enjoying the flight for the most part. Frankie clinging to him periodically was something he didn’t mind at all, but he was grateful that Frankie seemed to be calming down as the flight stretched on. When the air was smooth and Frankie was feeling talkative, Zach was happy to have some light-hearted conversation with him. They talked about things that they’d missed in each other’s lives. Zach explained his job, while Frankie talked about all the opportunities he’d had since they'd stopped speaking years ago. Zach talked about Peyton for a solid half hour, proud smile on his face. Frankie couldn’t help but admire that look. Frankie felt his mind race ahead to thoughts of their future together and seeing that look on Zach's face again. Frankie had to stop himself from wandering too far down that path.

Frankie felt the subtle shift in the plane as they started making their descent. His eyes widened slightly as he looked at Zach who leaned forward and pecked Frankie’s lips, grabbing his hand in the process. Once the plane had lowered enough that Frankie could see the ground below out of Zach’s window, he started to feel his stomach ache again, flipping and flopping in a way that made him want to throw up. Zach turned a little, blocking Frankie’s view. “Babe, it’s going to be okay,” Zach reassured. 

Frankie squeezed Zach’s hand a little tighter, turning to sit straight in his seat. He tugged on his seatbelt a little, ensuring it was still tight. Zach chuckled to himself, being careful that Frankie couldn’t hear him before he kissed Frankie’s cheek and settled back himself. The captain's voice came on overhead and said they’d be landing in ten minutes.

It was about five minutes of silence later when Frankie turned to look at Zach. “What if we crash? What if something happens?” Frankie questioned, his eyes resting on Zach’s, waiting for words that would comfort him even though he didn’t think there were any.

“Then we do it together,” Zach answered simply, squeezing Frankie’s hand in reassurance and pressing a quick kiss to Frankie’s lips. “Always together,” Zach murmured again. 

Frankie nodded, smiling softly. Frankie didn’t know how he’d forgotten how amazing Zach could be, but he was pretty sure he could never let go now. “I love you,” Frankie whispered.

“I love you back,” Zach murmured as they settled in again, Frankie sitting straight up, his hands in his lap, clasped around one of Zach’s. Frankie closed his eyes as he waited, again not wanting to look out the window. Zach did his best to channel calm as he watched the ground get closer. He wasn’t really afraid, but he’d always hated flying and Frankie’s fears were bringing some of that up again. 

The landing was bumpy, but they made it without incident. Frankie sighed loudly when the plane was taxiing smoothly around the runways. “See, told you it’d be okay baby,” Zach remarked, kissing the side of Frankie’s head quickly. Frankie smirked at him, but laughed a little, relieved to be on the ground again. 

Getting off the plane and gathering their luggage was a blur. Soon, Frankie and Zach were settled in the back of the limo that had been arranged to pick them up and drive them back to the Grande house in Boca. Frankie kissed Zach’s cheek before he turned to talk to Lauren and Jon-Erik about the rest of the day. They had a couple hours to get to the house and get ready before they had to set up for the memorial. It was going to be at the house. They had only invited about fifty people. It was going to be small. Frankie was thankful for that. He was already worn out from the flight and he didn’t need more anxiety. Frankie kept talking, refusing to let his mind wander to Ari again. He could cry later. Right now, he had to be the rock.

Zach zoned out of the conversation, watching as they rode down the highway and turned off, winding their way across the surface streets and getting closer to the Grande house. Zach still remembered the way. He figured it was burned into his brain. He couldn’t ever forget it. He’d had some of the best nights of his life in that house. He couldn’t stop the flashbacks as they pulled onto the street and he saw that house again for the first time in years. First he was dancing with Frankie, his hands on Frankie’s hips. Then he was there in the winter, Frankie showing off his Christmas tree with a special twinkle in his eye. Next, a brief glimpse of himself swimming in the pool, laughing loudly as Frankie did an impersonation. Finally, he was lying on Frankie’s bed, his chest pressed to Frankie’s back while Frankie was fast asleep in his arms. He remembered lying there that night—the last night he’d ever spent in that house—certain that he’d never find a better bliss, but uncertain how he was going to hold onto it. Zach shook his head, his hand falling to squeeze Frankie’s thigh. Zach knew he’d do whatever it took to hold on this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a bumpy flight...The memorial is next.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But you can spin my bad days into pure gold  
> With just a touch of your hand on my waist  
> Say you're forever  
> And say that your heart's gonna stay

Frankie was pacing, back and forth and around again, over and over. He looked down at the dark blue carpet, his tracks evident in the myriad of footprints left there. He stopped to look at the trampled carpet, the haphazard and mashed fibers reflecting the light differently than the recently vacuumed area adjacent to his worn path. He pulled his phone out of his pocket yet again to check the time. It was three minutes later than the last time he had checked. He wasn’t sure how time was moving so slowly, but he couldn’t help but wish that time had slowed down before all of this, before the crash, before Costa Rica, back when Ari was still there, still smiling and singing—still his best friend.

Frankie closed his eyes tight. He knew he couldn’t break down right now. He felt like he had to at least hold it together until this memorial was over, maybe longer. He walked into the bathroom, checking his reflection in the mirror. He thought his eyes looked okay—not as red as they had been before. He straightened his bowtie, making sure his shirt was still wrinkle free. “You got this. You can do this. You have to. Be the man. Come on Frankie. Shine. It’s for Ari,” he muttered quietly to himself, trying to convince himself, but he still wondered if it was enough. Did he have enough left inside him to make it through this?

There was a light knock on the bedroom door. It was swinging open before Frankie could even respond. Zach peeked his head around the door, his eyes resting on Frankie. Zach smiled softly as he stepped further into the room and shut the door behind him. Frankie had returned his attention to the mirror, determined not to look at Zach who was wearing a light blue button up shirt that Frankie had found in the back of his closet. It fit Zach perfectly. Frankie could hardly look at Zach without feeling like he might fall apart. The similarities were hanging in the air. Here was Zach, once again; being strong and steady, trying to give Frankie everything he needed in the face of the loss of a loved one. The memories of losing his grandfather all those years ago were just on the surface, barely covered by his grief for Ari.

Zach walked into the bathroom, Frankie kept his focus on the mirror, but his eyes flicked up just long enough for Zach to catch them in the mirror. Zach stepped closer to Frankie, his hands resting on Frankie’s shoulders while he watched Frankie in the mirror. Frankie just stared back at Zach through the mirror, afraid to move, afraid to speak. He was scared that he’d break open like a dam, the water pouring out before he could catch a single drop. Zach squeezed Frankie’s shoulders, dropping his lips to kiss the back of Frankie’s neck before he returned his gaze to the mirror, again locking eyes with Frankie. “I love you,” Zach whispered, unsure of what else to say in this moment.

“I love you too,” Frankie replied, willing his voice to stay steady, to hold strong. He had a few hours ahead of him before he could retreat back to this room—before he could stop the show and feel the ache within. Zach’s hands slid down Frankie’s arms, his hands finding Frankie’s and squeezing lightly before he stepped to the side, grabbing Frankie’s closer hand and pulling him gently from the bathroom. Frankie followed, allowing Zach to lead him from his bedroom and into the living room where his friends were finishing setting up. In the center of the room, under a large picture of Ariana sat a wooden box Frankie hadn’t seen yet. He knew what it was, but he refused to think about it. Instead he turned to Lauren, asking mundane questions about the music and the video. Zach stayed by Frankie’s side, holding his hand, silent, but present.

It wasn’t too much later when guests were arriving—mostly old friends with some new friends and family. Frankie was cordial, greeting them all with a smile on his face. Zach knew the look. Frankie was “on”—this was a stage and he would play the role that he thought he should. Zach wished Frankie could let that go, allow himself to feel, but he also know the comfort that a character could bring—the security one could feel when they weren’t really being themselves. So, Zach stayed quiet, choosing to silently support Frankie. Zach didn’t leave Frankie’s side except to fetch Frankie a drink on occasion. Zach would hold Frankie’s hand every now and then, earning a small smile from Frankie that Zach thought was genuine.

There was music playing softly throughout the house and a slideshow set up for guests to watch that was filled with photos and videos of Ari throughout her life. Zach watched people milling about the house, clumping in groups to talk. Joan was also greeting guests, Frankie’s father by her side most of the night. Ari’s dad was there too. Zach didn't know him very well, but he seemed to have his own group of guests around him. Zach figured they must be his side of the family. After the line of arriving guests became a trickle, Frankie grabbed Zach’s hand, leading him to the slide show. It was set up in the home theater. There were a few people watching when Frankie walked in, standing to the side. Zach watched Frankie, noticing how his eyes weren’t actually focused on the screen, but above it.

Zach pulled Frankie towards the back of the room, further into the shadows. Zach wrapped his arms around Frankie’s waist, kissing his cheek lightly. Frankie turned to look at Zach, raising one hand to Zach’s cheek. His fingers ghosted over Zach’s skin, barely a touch. Zach leaned in to kiss Frankie softly before he squeezed Frankie tighter around his waist and returned his gaze to the screen.

A picture popped up, a young bright-eyed Frankie with a smaller version of Ari. Joan, Nonna, and Grandpa were laughing in the background. It was replaced by a picture of Ari with red hair, her hands in the air on the set of ‘Victorious’. Next came a baby picture of Ari, her eyes already impossibly large and beautiful. Zach wasn’t sure what song was playing with the pictures, but it sounded beautiful. He looked up to see Frankie finally watching the images as they faded in and out on the screen. Frankie loved the pictures—after all, he had helped pick them out. He could feel his eyes watering as his mind wandered to the memories that accompanied those images.

_He was ten years old when Ari was born. Nonna and grandpa had watched Frankie the night before while Joan was in the hospital. Frankie wasn’t fully aware of how it all worked, but he knew his sister was at the hospital and that’s where he was going. Nonna had helped Frankie pick a nice shirt that morning. It was Sunday and hot outside in the middle of the summer. Frankie walked to the car with Grandpa, the sweat already dripping down his back. He was annoyed that his shirt was getting dirty before he’d been able to see his mom. The ride to the hospital was longer than Frankie had expected. He was antsy, imagining his baby sister as he rode quietly._

_Finally, Frankie was sitting on his mother’s bed, his sister just a foot away from him in her arms. Joan scooted to one side, situating herself and Frankie so that he could hold Ari. Finally, Frankie held his arms out in front of himself and Joan carefully laid Ariana into them. Ari yawned in his arms, her face scrunching and her legs stretching briefly before she recoiled, curling up on herself in Frankie’s arms. Frankie watched quietly, his ten-year-old mind struggling to grasp the changes that were coming. It was unlike anything Frankie had experienced then—or now. He was instantly protective and in awe. He’d been waiting for months and now she was here and she was everything. He knew he’d spend the rest of his life doing anything necessary to ensure she was happy and felt loved because he knew he’d never loved anything as instantly and wholly as he loved her._

Zach wiped a tear from Frankie’s cheek. Frankie was shocked back into the present, shaking his head a little and wiping his own face. Frankie smiled sadly at Zach who returned his gaze steadily, his eyes soft and understanding. They both look surprised when the music stopped and the lights got brighter in the theater. They both knew what that meant—it was time for the eulogies. Frankie didn’t have anything prepared. He’d tried, but he couldn’t seem to get through it. He’d spent the last few hours in his head, his mind repeating phrases, but they all felt too generic—too cliché.

They didn’t have formal seating or even a microphone. It was all supposed to be short and sweet—almost like brief toasts, or at least that had been the idea when Frankie and Joan had decided on that route. Joan had said she wanted to speak first, unsure if she would be able to hold it together after listening to others. The guests had gather in the living room area, around a table filled with food. Joan held a wine glass in her hand, took a deep breath and started to talk. Frankie would’ve liked to listen to the words and the sentiments expressed, but the truth was that he couldn’t. It wasn’t because he was trying to hold it together either. It was physically impossible for him to focus on the words. He heard them and they entered his mind as quickly as they evaporated. He wanted to memorize the words, to remember the sweet things said about his sister for the rest of his life, but he felt them slipping away as soon as they materialized.

Others spoke after Joan. There was no set order. Ari’s dad spoke next, choking up occasionally as he recalled memories. Frankie lost track as the recollections and humorous stories piled up. It seemed like almost everyone was taking the time to express something they remembered about Ari or how she’d impacted their life. Frankie found himself catching glimpses of stories and smiling fondly, his head turning automatically to find the next voice. Finally, it was quiet for a moment. Frankie felt Zach’s hand on his lower back, rubbing gently. Frankie looked up to see Joan looking at him. It was his turn. Everyone else had gone and he was now the big finale even though he hadn’t intended for it to be that way.

Frankie felt his heart constrict, beating faster and harder. His stomach ached and his head swam with words for a minute as he cleared his throat, searching for the right words to say. “I…I don’t feel like my words could ever do her justice. She was so much more than could ever be expressed in words. To call her my best friend—to say she was and will always be my biggest inspiration is the biggest understatement I could ever imagine. I can’t begin to describe her beautiful spirit, crude humor, and powerful personality. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to my life. I knew it the first time I held her. She is gone now—far too suddenly and far too soon. She taught me one of the greatest lessons of my life and that is too love without abandon. Life is too short not to express your love, to share it and proudly display it. She wasn’t afraid to love and that’s a quality I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to emulate. My life will never be the same without her, but I will always strive to live with the same love and light that permeated everything that she touched. So, to Ari, I love you, good _night_ ,” Frankie finished, singing softly.

There was a general quiet when he finished talking, the end of the memorial clearly drawing near. Frankie was silent now. He could hear other people talking, some of the words directed at him, commending him on his speech, but it all strung together and got fuzzy like white noise. The only thing grounding him was Zach, his left arm stretched across Frankie’s back, his hand gripping Frankie’s waist. Frankie relaxed into Zach’s side, grateful for the excuse to turn away from the chatter. Frankie turned into Zach’s arms, letting Zach hold him for a few seconds. Frankie breathed in deeply appreciating the smell of Zach, allowing himself to feel that comfort.

Frankie broke away less than a minute later, returning to conversations and forcing himself to focus. The end of the memorial was a blur. People said goodbye, others forced him to promise to come to them if he needed anything. He couldn’t help but think that it was more than unlikely he would take them up on the offer, but he appreciated the kind gesture. Finally, it was over. The last guests had left and his friends were collapsed on the sofa and chairs in the living room. Frankie looked up to see Joan cleaning up in the kitchen already. He knew there was no need for her to do that, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. Instead, he walked up to her, hugging her tightly and whispering, “I love you Mommy.”

Joan pulled back, patting Frankie’s cheek before she kissed it and replied, “I love you too baby boy.” He smiled and kissed her cheek before he turned away, waving goodnight to his friends who all replied in kind. Lauren, however, leapt from her seat, wrapping Frankie in a hug. He hugged her back, his body feeling tired, worn, and heavy with emotions. When they separated, he continued to walk to his room, grabbing Zach by the hand on his way. Zach followed wordlessly. Once inside Frankie's room with the door firmly shut, Frankie fell into Zach's arms without warning or hesitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I do it justice? Thoughts?


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On most days, I try  
> My best to put on a brave face  
> But inside  
> My bones are cold and my heart breaks  
> But all the while  
> Something's keeping me safe and alive

Zach’s arms wrapped around Frankie automatically, instincts kicking in with Frankie’s sudden collapse against him. Zach’s hands slide down to grip at Frankie’s waist, ensuring he was stable and held in place. Frankie’s arms were wrapped around Zach’s neck, his face hidden in the warm skin there. It was quiet, Frankie’s nose pressed against Zach’s neck so that he could feel his pulse—strong, steady, reassuring. Zach breathed slowly, his arms tense as he held on to Frankie who was only holding a fraction of his own weight. Frankie wasn’t sure what exactly he was doing, but he knew that his head was no longer spinning as badly as it had been before. The slightly salty scent of Zach’s sweat was intermingling with the faint smell of the fabric softener and Frankie loved it. Frankie inhaled deeply, his breath rattling as he let his tears fall. 

Zach leaned his head against Frankie’s trying to communicate without words. He wasn’t sure what to say. He’d had a million things planned to say in his head, but they all vanished without a trace, leaving his mind blank and moving slowly. Zach just wanted to hold Frankie, to give him something solid, something that he could literally hold onto. Zach had no plans to let go and it was perfectly fine by him if Frankie felt the same.

Zach could feel the warm, wet, tears sliding down his neck, some hitting his shirt and leaving patches of fabric soaked through, feeling cool against Zach’s skin as the warmth evaporated into the air. Frankie was breathing unevenly now, his chest moving forcefully as he struggled to bring in enough air. Zach slid his arms to encircle Frankie now. Zach lifted Frankie off of the floor by his waist, quickly moving his right arm down to lift Frankie’s legs up. Zach crossed the room, Frankie’s arms still around his neck, his face now shifted with his right cheek against Zach’s shoulder. 

Zach sat on Frankie’s bed, settling Frankie onto his lap. Zach glanced over, able to see Frankie’s face for the first time since they were in the living room saying goodnight. Zach couldn’t help but feel like Frankie somehow looked smaller. His eyes were red-rimmed, bloodshot, and still watering. Frankie’s face was blotchy, the tear tracks standing out on his face. Frankie sniffled a few times, wiping a hand over his eyes. 

Zach’s left arm was still wrapped around Frankie’s back as Frankie leaned his upper body into Zach, his arms dropping from Zach’s neck. Zach’s free hand reached out, gripping onto the outside of Frankie’s left thigh. Frankie’s hands slid up to his own neck, releasing the bowtie that was around his neck. He tossed it to the other side of the bed, nuzzling into Zach’s shoulder now, looking up to catch Zach’s eye. Frankie couldn’t help but think that Zach was looking at him like he was fragile—some porcelain object, held precariously in his arms, just one wrong move away from shattering into a million pieces. Frankie couldn’t argue with the analogy either. It was kind of how he felt. 

Zach watched as Frankie seemed to be wrestling in his own mind. It was silent. It had been silent for what felt like forever. Zach certainly didn’t know what the right words to say were, but he wanted to say something—anything. He just needed to make Frankie feel better. He just needed to see one smile, if only for a millisecond. He’d literally take anything—any sign that Frankie was going to make it through this. Zach had never been great with words—Frankie was almost as bad, if only when trying to communicate with Zach. It had always been a problem between them, but Zach wanted to change that.

Zach ran a few thoughts through his head. _I love you. No, that wasn’t right. True, but this wasn’t about him. We’ll make it through this together. No, definitely not that. I’m here for you. Better, but not what he wanted._ Zach gave up on words, his eyes seeking Frankie’s and dropping his head, his forehead touching against Frankie’s. Frankie sighed softly, gratefully. Zach watched Frankie’s eyes flutter closed, his hands coming up, his palms on the angles of Zach’s jaw, his fingers splayed through bits of Zach’s hair. Zach’s right hand rubbed absentmindedly at Frankie’s outer thigh, over the seam on the side of Frankie’s pants. Zach breathed quietly, the scent of Frankie’s cologne mixing with the scent of his breath, but Zach didn’t mind. Zach’s hand rubbed at Frankie’s back, still helping to support him as he held him closer. He wanted to make himself bigger, to somehow shield Frankie. Zach knew it was unreasonable, but watching Frankie hurt this way—again—it was more than Frankie deserved.

Frankie felt his heart slow, his breathing even out as Zach held him. Frankie wasn’t sure what he wanted in this moment, but Zach seemed to be figuring it out. Frankie opened his eyes, studying Zach’s face. It looked quiet—almost serene with his eyes closed lightly. From his angle, Frankie could count Zach’s eyelashes if he wanted to. Frankie could feel Zach’s light breath escaping his lips, humid as it crossed the small gap between them. Frankie shifted his head back a little and Zach’s eyes opened quickly, searching Frankie’s but finding no answers to his unasked questions.

“Zach,” Frankie whispered, his voice barely there. Frankie didn’t trust his voice not to crack. He didn’t trust himself not to break open again. 

“Frankie,” Zach returned, his voice full of concern that Frankie wanted to dislike, but couldn’t. He liked it. He wasn’t sure why, but he liked it. He’d had so many fears about Zach coming back in his life during this time, but they were slipping away. Frankie may have fallen apart, but letting Zach rebuild him was starting to feel right—like it was meant to be. It was almost like Zach was the only one who knew the right combination, who could figure out the puzzle, and who could somehow fit the pieces together again.

“Zach—I—I,” Frankie tried, his words failing him. He wanted to tell him that he was grateful. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t know how he would have ever gotten through this day without him—to explain how he noticed Zach’s presence all day, the small touches and the strong hands. Frankie wanted so badly to say it all, but the mere idea of reliving this day, of mentioning those moments brought unbidden tears to his eyes. His vision blurred behind the tears and he blinked quickly, allowing them to fall from his eyes. Zach brushed them away wordlessly.

“Shh, Frankie, baby,” Zach murmured, “Just let go and let me hold you. Yeah?” Frankie nodded in response, his eyes welling with tears again. Frankie cried. It wasn’t pretty, but it was real. His face hidden against Zach, his mouth hanging open so he could breath when his nose got stuffed. His chest heaved and the sound of his crying filled the room. First there were soft single sobs followed by louder ones, his body shaking as he gasped for air. Zach held him, his eyes filling with tears before a few dropped onto the top of Frankie’s hair.

Frankie’s mind wandered down the paths he’d refused to let it go before when he was afraid of his own reaction. Mostly, he wondered what would happen now? He'd set his focus on this memorial. Now that it was over, it was like his life had opened before him—a dark road filled with uncertainty. How was he supposed to make it through life without her? She was the one—his constsnt source of light, wisdom, and love—but she was gone. Life was changed in ways he couldn’t fathom. He couldn’t even imagine it. Holidays without Ari. Birthdays without Ari. Every single day of the rest of his life—without Ari. It hurt to think about, but it was reality now—a reality that he didn’t recognize. 

Zach wasn’t sure how long it was before Frankie was pulling himself away from Zach, his head lifting up, angling to see Zach’s face. Zach ran his hand through Frankie’s hair, smoothing the pieces that were now sticking out at odd angles. Zach leaned in, kissing Frankie’s forehead. Frankie closed his eyes briefly, focusing on the feel of Zach's solid body wrapped around him.

After a few more minutes, Frankie shifted out of Zach’s lap, sliding down onto the bed next to him. Frankie quickly removed his shoes before climbing further onto his bed. Zach followed Frankie’s lead, his shoes left on the floor by the bed as he laid beside Frankie, face to face. Frankie reached out to take Zach’s hand. Frankie's eyes were stinging now. All he wanted to do was fall asleep, but he couldn’t do that quite yet.

“Thank you,” Frankie murmured. Zach's mouth fell open in protest, but Frankie’s finger flew up against his lips. “I would not have made it through this day without you so, thank you,” Frankie continued, “I know you’re going to roll your eyes or shrug it off, but believe me when I tell you that you are amazing.” Zach started to shrug his shoulder in response, but caught the look in Frankie’s eyes and stopped himself, nodding instead.

“Please don't thank me for doing exactly what I should doing. I want to be here. I don’t ever want you to be afraid to be exactly who you are with me. No pretense. No show. I know you—from the inside out—sturdy bones, strong muscles, crappy circulation, beautiful heart, and shimmering soul. I want all of it—all of you, unfiltered, unprocessed, un-glittered,” Zach promised, his voice steady and smooth. Frankie couldn’t help but watch the sincerity in his eyes—how they didn’t shift, his pupils becoming dark pools Frankie could fall into as the sun finished setting, casting the room in the dimmest of lights. 

Frankie tilted his head up, pressing a soft kiss to Zach’s lips. “It’s yours. I’m yours,” Frankie vowed as he pulled away. Zach smiled widely, bringing their lips together again briefly before he was reaching down at the bottom of the bed, grabbing the blanket there. He threw it open over them, fully dressed, but they were too exhausted to care. Zach knew this blanket from years ago. He could still remember the night. Frankie was wrapped tight in his arms, the blanket making a cocoon around them as Zach tried to imagine a world where he’d never have to leave. Zach snuggled into the blanket now, his feelings similar to those from years ago. However, there was one difference now. It was clear to Zach that there was no way he could ever be anywhere else.

Frankie scooted closer to Zach, who rotated onto his back. Frankie took his spot. The thought stopped him in his tracks. _His_ spot. It didn’t freak him out like he thought it might. They had literally been back together for days, but it felt like it had been so much longer—almost like they’d never stopped being together. Frankie dropped his head to Zach’s chest, listening to his heartbeat—the heartbeat of the man who had stood by his side, silent and supportive all day long. Frankie couldn't stop himself from thinking that this heartbeat—Zach's heartbeat—was also keeping him alive.

It was completely dark in the bedroom now. Zach was still awake, but his eyes were getting heavier. Frankie seemed calm now, his breathing rhythmic, his body still. Zach assumed Frankie was asleep now. He could feel himself drifting. He whispered out into the still air, “I love you Frankie.” He didn’t expect a response, but Frankie stirred lightly beside him. Then Zach felt Frankie’s fingers sliding along his arm as he spelled out, “love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want me to continue this story?


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a week since I've heard your voice now  
> You know it seems like a hundred years  
> It's hard to sleep, it's a bit alarming  
> I'm a mess when you're not here

Zach was awake far too early in the morning for his liking. The time change twice in only a few days was starting to catch up to him. He would have slept longer if his phone hadn’t kept vibrating on the bedside table, the sound surprisingly loud. On the third phone call, he gave up, reaching over to see who was trying to get ahold of him. It was Peyton. Zach couldn’t find it in himself to even be slightly annoyed at Peyton. Not right now. It was eight in the morning and Zach wanted nothing more than to sleep until noon, but he texted Peyton back while Frankie snuggled back into the pillows beside Zach. Zach texted, "Broski! What’s up?"

Peyton answered quickly, asking him, "Golf? You’re free today, right??"

Zach glanced down at Frankie’s face. His eyes were closed, his face calm. For Zach, it seemed like the only time that Frankie was calm anymore was when he was sleeping. Zach didn’t want to promise Peyton something when he wasn’t sure he could deliver. He texted back, "Probably. I’ll text you back in a bit and let you know for sure. Ok?"

Zach dropped the phone on the bed, rolling onto his side again, feeling Frankie’s warmth as he moved closer. Frankie stirred again, his eyes fluttering open briefly before his head was against Zach’s chest. Zach didn’t want to wake him, but he figured if Frankie wanted to sleep, maybe he could go see his brother while Frankie slept. Then Zach wouldn’t feel so guilty for leaving him.

Zach ran his hand through Frankie’s hair before rubbing at the top of Frankie’s ear for a few seconds. Frankie hummed softly before Zach finally whispered, “Babe. Pizzle wants me to go golfing with him today…I was thinking may—”

“Take me with you,” Frankie murmured, his eyes open as he shifted so he could see Zach better. “I want to get out of this house. Let’s go out for the day, please,” Frankie suggested. Zach smiled softly, leaning down to kiss Frankie quickly.

“You got it baby,” Zach promised. He grabbed his phone, quickly texting Peyton to meet him at the golf course in just over an hour. When Zach looked back up from his phone, Frankie was standing next to his bed, arms stretched in the air as he began to unbutton the now impossibly wrinkled shirt from the day before. “You’re stunning,” Zach offered, his eyes drawn to Frankie’s abs before he was able to look up at Frankie’s face again. Frankie winked and leaned over the bed to kiss Zach. 

“Maybe later,” Frankie whispered in his ear before he disappeared into the bathroom. Zach groaned quietly, quickly rummaging through his suitcase for something golf appropriate. Almost all of the clothes he’d packed were dirty. He found the last clean shirt and decent pair of shorts as his phone went off again. Peyton told him that he’d meet him at Zach’s apartment instead. Apparently, his mom was insisting Tiger leave her home now that Zach was back in town. Zach chuckled quietly. Tiger still had as much energy as he’d had as a puppy and he tended to destroy things—especially when he was at his parent’s house.

Zach reluctantly agreed to meet Peyton at his apartment. Now Zach was anxious. He hadn’t cleaned his apartment before he’d left. He’d basically spent his last 2 days in Florida in a sort of depression—even after he knew Frankie was actually alive. Zach was nervous for Frankie to see it, especially when he knew it was in such horrible shape. Zach didn’t want to explain that to Frankie. That was almost as bad as just letting him see it for himself. He wasn’t ashamed of his apartment per se—it was a decent place. It was just that Frankie had so much more. Zach had always felt a little inadequate in that way. His life didn’t measure up to Frankie’s. It had been a nagging doubt in Zach’s mind throughout their entire relationship the first time. Zach had never voiced it though. It seemed a little late to go down that road now, so he tried to push it from his mind.

Frankie came out of the bathroom in a towel, pulling a pair of underwear out of his drawer as he turned to look at Zach who stood frozen to the spot, his mind still running through the different scenarios of what he was getting himself into today. “Zach,” Frankie said looking questioningly in his direction. Zach’s eyes shot to Frankie, latching on to his face, finding the comfort in Frankie’s eyes. They were warm and trusting. Zach wanted to wrap himself up in the feeling.

“Sorry. Daydream. Um, we have to actually go to my apartment first. Pizzle will meet us there with Tiger. My mom can’t stand watching him for another day apparently,” Zach finished, rolling his eyes. Frankie chuckled as he crossed the room to search his closet for the rest of his outfit. 

“I’m so excited to see Tiger and Peyton. It’s been, what? 4 years? Peyton must be so much bigger!” Frankie commented, his face smiling widely. Zach thought Frankie seemed a bit too excited, but he wasn’t going to push that issue. 

“He’s like seriously taller than me. I have no idea how that happened,” Zach lamented as he grabbed his clothes and headed to the bathroom. “We have to leave in 10,” Zach added as he jumped into the shower, washing quickly and dressing as fast as he could. He was still running his hands through damp hair when he came back into the bedroom to find Frankie scrolling through his phone on the edge of the bed. Frankie quickly shut his phone off, smiling hugely at Zach.

“Golf shorts and a polo. Seriously, do some things never change?” Frankie smirked as he crossed the room to Zach. He pulled on Zach’s collar, straightening it a little. 

Zach smiled softly as he stepped closer to Frankie. “I hope not,” Zach murmured before he was kissing Frankie, one hand cupping Frankie’s face, the other sliding down to grab Frankie’s ass. Frankie groaned softly into the kiss, his mind flying back in time, remembering how it had felt just like this so many years ago. Physical attraction had never been a problem for them. Frankie couldn’t wait to re-explore that avenue. Frankie wanted to feel guilty about it, but he didn’t. Zach pulled away a minute later, adding, “We gotta go babe!”

Frankie drove. They were uncharacteristically quiet on the drive. Zach’s stomach was tying in knots. It was a weird combination. He was nervous about his apartment, but he couldn’t do much about that. He kept trying to convince himself that Frankie loved him for who he was and that his apartment wouldn’t matter. He knew that was true, but he couldn’t stop himself from wondering. The other half of him wondered how Peyton was going to react. Peyton had been so young when Zach and Frankie had had their _thing_. 

Zach had never really explained to Peyton what had happened. It was just easier for Zach to sweep it under the rug when he and Frankie were done and it only got easier with time and distance. Zach knew Peyton understood more than he had let on at the time, but now it was going to be front and center. Zach wasn’t hiding it—not this time.

Frankie wished Zach would talk. Every time he glanced over, Zach’s face was serious, his eyes glazed over as his mind worked. Frankie didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts—not today. That’s why he’d wanted to leave the house. He wanted a different focus. He wanted new scenery. He didn’t want to spend the day torturing himself with memories of Ari. He’d spent enough time remembering yesterday and he’d felt so much better after letting himself fall apart like he’d desperately needed to. Now, he wanted to make an attempt at living the life he had. 

Frankie was excited to see Peyton. They’d gotten along really well before. Of course, Peyton had been really young, but he wasn’t stupid and Frankie knew that. Zach, however, had always tried to ignore that Peyton saw through him. It had kind of bothered Frankie at the time, but he’d let that go. Peyton and Zach had a really cute relationship. It was the only sibling relationship Frankie had seen in real life, with such a big age gap, that seemed so similar to the one he’d had with Ari. Frankie felt his eyes well with tears at the thought. He blinked them back quietly, willing himself to think about something else.

Zach gave Frankie directions as soon as he pulled off of the highway. It was only another two minutes before Frankie was parking the car at Zach’s complex. Frankie smiled brightly at Zach as they got out of the car. Zach looked around quickly, but didn’t see his mom’s car. He was pretty certain Peyton would drive her car over with Tiger. “Show me your place,” Frankie murmured, wrapping an arm around Zach.

“Sure, but like I left last minute to come to LA. So, don’t judge the mess,” Zach said quickly. Frankie rolled his eyes and tugged on Zach’s hand as Zach started walking to his building. They were inside Zach’s apartment so quickly that Zach hadn’t had much time to dwell on it before he was showing Frankie the place and laughing quietly at Frankie’s jokes. 

When they got to Zach’s room, Frankie’s laughed quietly. “What ambiance!” Frankie taunted the barely decorated room. Zach shrugged. Frankie wrapped his arms around Zach, pulling him to the bed. “Seriously, such a bachelor pad. No decorations. Huge TV. Leather couch. Classic. I love it,” Frankie murmured as he kissed Zach, his lips working against Zach’s as his hands were clutching at Zach’s shirt. Zach shifted on top of Frankie, deepening the kiss before he heard a loud bark. Before he could think about it, he heard the front door opening and Tiger was running into Zach’s room.

Tiger jumped on the bed as Zach and Frankie sprang apart. Zach greeted Tiger, rubbing behind his ears. Frankie sat up on the bed, patting Tiger’s back. “Did you miss your Daddy?” Zach asked, his voice going high pitched as he continued to talk to Tiger. Frankie wanted to roll his eyes, but he also found it incredibly endearing. Peyton called out to Zach from the living room and Tiger left as quickly as he’d arrived. Zach pecked Frankie before he offered his hand. Zach led the way back to the living room, his hand still squeezing Frankie’s. 

Zach’s face broke into a huge grin when he saw Peyton. Peyton returned the smile. Frankie couldn’t help but notice that Peyton’s face was slimmer now—his baby fat almost completely gone. Peyton was taller and leaner. Frankie couldn’t help but wonder if Zach had played a role in that. Frankie watched as Zach dropped his hand and crossed the room in just a few steps, his arms wrapping tightly around Peyton. 

Peyton squeezed Zach tightly. Zach couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the emotion. Zach hadn’t even questioned that he’d be here again, his arms around his little brother, but as that thought crossed his mind, he realized that maybe he should have. Things happened. Life was unfair. What he’d just witnessed with Frankie was proof of that. Zach felt tears sting his eyes for the first time today. Peyton tried to pull away once, but Zach held tighter. Peyton gave in, letting the hug linger longer than he normally would. 

When Zach finally loosened his grip, he looked at Peyton with shining eyes. “I love you little broski,” Zach said. Peyton looked up at Frankie whose eyes were also glistening. 

“Love you too,” Peyton replied. Zach couldn’t help but smile at the response. Zach heard a soft sniffle from behind him. He looked back to see Frankie’s eyes watering. Frankie almost felt like he was reliving the last time he’d ever spoken to Ari, her voice wafting in the night air with an ‘I love you’ murmured against his cheek when they parted at the airport just one week ago. Zach held his hand out, beckoning Frankie to join them. Frankie stepped closer and Zach pulled him into a hug. Frankie hadn’t meant for it to happen, but it seemed he couldn’t control it. Now, he saw flashes of Ari, memories of hugging her after long trips overseas, or even short trips away to visit friends. It was always the best when they were together and watching Zach get the chance for the reunion he couldn’t have anymore broke something inside him. He’d tried to fight it, but there was no way to win that battle. 

“It’s okay baby. It’s going to be okay,” Zach murmured as he rubbed Frankie’s back. Frankie nodded against Zach’s shoulders as he dried his eyes. Frankie decided to stop the train of thought then. Ari was gone. Peyton was here. He couldn’t have Ari back. Zach still had Peyton.

Frankie reached out to Peyton, pulling him into a hug. Peyton went with it. He’d learned long ago that Frankie was a hugger. “So nice to see you again Peyton,” Frankie said. Soon Zach’s arms were around both Peyton and Frankie, hugging them both as they hugged each other. 

Zach was overwhelmed. The two most important people in his life were embracing in a way he’d always longed to see. Peyton was old enough now. He knew what this meant. He was embracing Frankie—literally and figuratively. That fact was more than Zach could handle as he found himself hugging them without even giving his actions a thought. When Zach let go, Peyton and Frankie broke apart. Frankie was smiling and Peyton looked bemused at the emotional scene he’d just gone through. Zach just inhaled deeply, his mind catching up to reality. “Golf?” Zach asked.

“Please!” Frankie and Peyton said in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: reactions from the rest of the Rance clan


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories they're following me like a shadow now  
> And I'm dreaming   
> And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief  
> I've seen your act  
> And I know all the facts  
> I'm still in love with who I wish you were

Zach felt the chill start on the back of his neck as the sun was setting. He was standing in the middle of the green, the sky a vibrant pink fading to purple as the breeze blew past him, cooling the skin that was dampened from the sweat he’d shed in the previously shining sun. Now that sun was orange, dropping on the horizon and bathing the golf course in a golden light that he couldn’t quite explain. He felt safe here. He always had. This was home.

Zach felt Frankie’s arm slip around his waist as he walked back across the green, heading to the nearest path along the course. Zach let himself relax into the embrace, his arm falling naturally down to rest across Frankie’s shoulders. Zach looked over to see Frankie glance at him, a half smirk across his face that only made Zach shake his head and smile. This was easy.

Zach craned his neck a little to look behind them. He could see Peyton’s figure getting smaller in the distance as he walked determinedly back to the clubhouse. Zach wasn’t clear on the reasons, but Peyton had suddenly had to leave. It seemed very important as he couldn’t seem to find the words to express himself and just ended up leaving awkwardly. As soon as he was out of earshot, Zach had starting cracking up, imitating the way Peyton had reacted to the text he had received right before his abrupt departure.

Frankie had berated Zach in good humor for making fun of his brother. Zach couldn’t help it though. They were too much alike and Zach could read into the facial expression on Peyton’s face like it was his own. The large smile, bordering on goofy for a split second until it toppled over that imaginary line and could only be defined as the lovestruck grin that Zach knew well as it traveled up to Peyton's eyes. “I think Peyton’s got a girlfriend,” Zach singsonged to Frankie, his face broken by a toothy grin. Frankie had rolled his eyes, poking Zach in the ribs before they’d turned in the opposite direction of Peyton, taking their own path away from the golf course.

“I remember the last time we were here,” Frankie murmured as they walked, his hand gripping at Zach’s waist, feeling the rough knit cotton beneath his fingertips. Zach looked over at Frankie again, their eyes meeting quickly before they each looked away.

“Rose,” Zach groaned, his mind flashing back. It was more than four years ago. The chaos of their TV relationship hadn’t entirely calmed down. It was almost a lull in the storm though. They’d been quiet publicly and it had earned them a modicum of privacy. Frankie had gotten good at being mysterious and disappearing for good lengths of time. Zach’s local celebrity was nearly dead. No one was watching him anymore, at least not anyone local. 

It had been Frankie’s idea to go and golf. He’d always promised Zach that he’d go and it seemed like a good day. Zach couldn’t think of a reason to say no, but he knew that he should have. It had been a disaster. It was an understated disaster, but a disaster nonetheless. They’d only been golfing for about twenty minutes when a guy that Zach had known from high school was suddenly nearby. Zach hadn’t talked to him in years. It’s not like they had really been friends. Zach talked to him for a while until Frankie came over to join, his hand falling on Zach’s lower back like it was natural place to rest. Granted, at that time, for them, it was—but not in public. Zach had jumped so far away from Frankie after only a second, quickly excusing himself and leaving Frankie to awkwardly end the conversation he hadn’t even been a part of.

Zach hated to think about that day. It had just become another downfall. It was another shortcoming—another failure for Frankie to point at when they fought. It hadn’t been why they’d ended their relationship, but it was just another of a million things they’d tried to sweep under the rug that was already sitting on a foot of dust.

“I’m sorry,” Frankie apologized quickly, regretting mentioning it in a second. He was happy. Zach was happy. Bringing up old arguments and disappointments was not the way to start their new relationship. 

“It’s okay, let’s not think about it, yeah?” Zach tried. Frankie nodded quickly in agreement.

Frankie started laughing quietly a few seconds later. Zach quirked an eyebrow at him and Frankie quickly tried to explain. “Rose. It’s the way you groan ‘Rose’ when you’re upset. And the way you use it when you’re trying to be cute. I mean, you use it properly too, but mostly, it’s a pet name to you. I’ve always meant to tell you that I find that adorable,” Frankie finished with a shrug.

“Rose, I do not use the name incorrectly,” Zach said indignantly, cocking his head toward Frankie, his free hand now propped on his hip. Frankie stopped walking, turning to face Zach.

“Uh, yes, Rose. I’m pretty sure it was my term before it was yours. I’m a thousand percent sure you had no idea what ‘The Golden Girls’ even was before me,” Frankie insisted. Zach rolled his eyes in response.

“Whatever, _Rose_ ,” Zach retorted, “I’ll use it however I want.” Zach stuck his lower lip out in fake indignation. Frankie chuckled lightly, sliding his arms around Zach’s waist and hugging him close.

“Like I said, baby, I love it when you call me Rose. Even if it was supposed to mean something else at first, with you, I can read between the lines,” Frankie responded, winking at Zach.

Zach dropped his face to Frankie’s, their lips pressed together for a few seconds, Zach’s hand sliding under Frankie’s chin before he pulled away. “Duh, Rose,” Zach managed before he was grinning widely and they were walking again, the sun setting around them as the daylight began to fade.

It was almost dark when Frankie’s car was in sight again. They’d walked halfway across the course to get back to his car because Zach had insisted they just park at his parent’s place instead of dealing with the clubhouse. Frankie had wanted to protest, but he didn’t have any good cause. Now, as they were nearing the collection of townhomes that made up Zach’s parents’ neighborhood, Frankie was nervous. They’d been invited over for dinner during the golf game and Frankie couldn’t exactly say no or make any protest with Peyton nearby, but he couldn’t help but wonder how this was supposed to work out. 

Frankie had a few sharp memories from the months that followed the end of Big Brother. A lot of them included what would be considered less than a lukewarm response from Zach’s family. At the time, Frankie wanted nothing more than to lock himself back up in a house with Zach without cameras and see where they’d go. He knew within 10 minutes of the finale’s end that that was never ever going to happen.

Things had gotten better with time. At the end, Frankie was almost convinced that Jill didn’t hate him. As far as the rest of the family went, Frankie was less confident. “Your family hates me,” Frankie whispered slightly frantically as they approached Zach’s parents’ house. Zach stopped suddenly, the darkness now shrouding them as they stood a hundred feet from Zach’s parents’ house. 

“That’s not true,” Zach insisted, “My mom knew I was coming to see you in LA. She knows. Trust me, she knows.”

“Does she?” Frankie wondered, wishing he could just take Zach’s word for it.

“Yes,” Zach promised, pecking Frankie’s lips once before his hand was in Frankie’s their fingers lacing together as they crossed the remaining distance to the front door.

Their hands parted as Zach knocked on the door. This was unusual. Normally, he’d just barge in, but with Frankie in tow, he didn’t want to surprise anyone or cause any problems. Jill was the one to open the doors, her smile wide as she pulled Zach into a hug faster than he or Frankie could process. Jill squeezed Zach tight, whispering some words that Frankie couldn’t make out entirely. He heard the phrase ‘baby boy’ but that was about it. Then Jill had turned her focus on Frankie. Frankie normally hugged, but with Jill, he just didn’t know what to do. Jill smiled awkwardly and Frankie made a split second decision to hug her. Besides, he thought, if he was going for it, really going for it with Zach, there was no reason not to be himself. He didn’t want to hide any part of himself from anyone and that included Zach’s family. He wasn’t going to allow that this time around. 

Jill stepped out of the hug and she said some words to Frankie that barely registered, but he thanked her for her kind sentiment about the loss of his sister. Frankie sidestepped closer to Zach, his hand hanging between them. He glanced down to see Zach’s hands deep in his pockets. Frankie convinced himself not to read into it as Jill welcomed them to take a seat in the living room. 

It was when they walked into the living room that Frankie saw Kevin again. They’d only met a few times in the past and they’d spoken to each other even less. Kevin was a man of few words—particularly around Frankie. Kevin stuck his hand out, barely managing a grunting greeting toward Frankie. Frankie greeted him warmly, his eyes bypassing Kevin’s, which weren’t even aimed in his direction, so that they landed on Zach’s. Zach only shrugged and took his seat in one of the chairs. Frankie carefully moved to the nearest sofa. 

There was small talk that felt awkward to Frankie. He wasn’t sure how everyone else could so easily pretend that everything was fine. Then Frankie remembered that this was how this family operated. There was little truth shared and even less emotion—at least on a regular basis. Frankie very easily recalled one emotional moment in this living room, but he refused to let his mind linger there.

Zach’s heart had been racing when they’d arrived and it had barely calmed to a reasonable level before they were moving to the dining room table for dinner. Peyton still hadn’t come home and Zach was getting annoyed with him. He needed that buffer. Peyton accepted him. Peyton accepted Frankie. More than that, Peyton clearly accepted whatever they wanted to be together if the way Peyton had actually stayed with them on the golf course, despite the occasional kiss and frequent innuendo, was any indication.

Zach took his usual seat and Frankie, unaware of the normal seating, sat where Peyton normally would. Frankie smiled at Zach as he took his seat, his hand sliding onto Zach’s knee briefly. Zach didn’t react and Frankie felt himself relax a little. Frankie smiled across the table at Zach’s parents, trying to participate in the conversation about Peyton’s golf and school while not having a whole lot to contribute. 

Dinner was over fairly painlessly and Frankie was finally feeling relaxed. The conversation had been light, but it had flowed well and he was starting to feel less like an intruder. Frankie leaned forward on the table, his hand falling halfway onto Zach’s as he was recounting their golf adventure. 

Zach’s eyes snapped to his father’s. Kevin was glancing down, his eyes locked on where Frankie’s hand was covering Zach’s fondly, naturally. Zach wanted to flip his hand over, grab Frankie’s hand and hold it. That’s what he wanted to do. Instead, Kevin’s eyes met his and Zach chickened out, standing abruptly from his seat in the middle of Frankie’s story. Frankie looked alarmed and Zach quickly announced he would get another round of drinks and stepped away into the kitchen. 

Frankie tried to hold it together. He told himself that he was reading into things. He knew that in the past that Zach had talked to his mother about their relationship and Jill’s eyes were surprisingly warmer than Frankie had remembered, but there was still an edge. It was an uncertainty, a wariness that he couldn’t ignore. Kevin was another story. He was just shy of hostile and Zach’s reaction had been less than strong in the face of that adversity. They hadn’t even said anything about their relationship in the hour it had been since they’d arrived. Instead, they’d skirted the issue and talked about safer topics. Now, even touching hands on top of the table seemed to be taboo and Frankie couldn’t help but feel like he’d traveled nearly five years back in time. 

Frankie felt like he couldn’t breath as his mind raced back through history, so many parallels springing to mind that he couldn’t ignore. Zach was still in the kitchen, rummaging in the fridge when Frankie finished his story. As soon as it was over, Frankie stood, excusing himself from the table, claiming he needed some fresh air. Frankie rushed out of the door. He had his keys in hand and was halfway to his car before he knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This road is anything but simple  
> Twisted like a riddle  
> I've seen high and I've seen low  
> So loud, the voices of all my doubts  
> Telling me to give up  
> To pack up and leave town

Zach hadn't even heard Frankie excuse himself from the table, but his head jerked up from the fridge when he heard the front door shut. Zach glanced out the window, seeing Frankie's form cross the patio to the door, walking swiftly out into the night. Zach felt his heart clench and his stomach drop. He glanced quickly at his parents. Kevin wasn't paying any attention as his head had swiveled to the still playing TV. Jill looked sympathetic, almost like she pitied Zach. Zach dropped the soda can he was holding on the counter as he quickly made his way out of the kitchen through the sliding glass door to the patio. Soon after he was standing on the sidewalk when he caught sight of the movement ahead of him. 

Frankie was walking determinedly to his car. His fists were clenched, his jaw tight. In the back of his mind, he felt like he was overreacting, but that part was losing to the emotional side. He could picture it too clearly. He could see them snuggled in bed, sweet words exchanged as Frankie let himself fall deeper in love, his heart entangling with Zach's. This was in stark contrast to the holidays he pictured at Zach's house. Zach would be sitting more than a foot away from him on the couch. Frankie wouldn’t dare reach out for his hand because the subtle rejection hurt more each time. He wanted more than that. He wanted full time, not part-time love. He deserved that. Isn't that what Zach had promised him? Isn't that what this was supposed to be about? They'd do this again, give it one more shot, but they'd do it right.

Besides, Frankie already knew what part-time love bought—ultimately nothing. They’d be stuck until it all fell apart, not moving forward, not moving back, just frozen as they crumbled to the ground, melting away until they were only a memory. He was terrified of the moment Zach would realize that this wasn’t what he wanted. When Frankie was irrevocably connected, Zach would try to severe them, tearing Frankie’s heart apart in the process. Frankie would be left alone with nothing to stand on while Zach wouldn’t even have to explain it because Frankie would’ve been nothing more than a glorified friend in the eyes of Zach’s friends and family.

Frankie was too lost in his own head to hear Zach shout for him. Frankie reached the car, the headlights flashing as he unlocked the doors. He'd just opened the door when it was abruptly shut for him. Frankie whirled on the spot, ready to yell at whoever was delaying his escape. He wasn't even surprised when he looked up to see Zach's face, his chest puffing in and out as he tried to catch his breath.

"What? Wh-why are...are you leaving?" Zach managed to eke out between ragged breaths. 

Frankie just reached for the door again, but Zach grabbed his wrist before he could get there. The look Frankie was giving Zach would've forced anyone else to step back, but Zach had seen it before and he wasn't about to let Frankie's bark make him back down. He could handle the bite.

"Why?" Zach asked again, a little more forcefully this time. Frankie rolled his eyes. Zach could imagine what the answer was, but he wanted to hear it. He'd learned, albeit very slowly, that it was best not to just apologize for what he thought he'd done wrong, but instead to find out what Frankie actually thought had gone wrong.

Frankie was stubborn. He didn't want to have this conversation. He didn’t want to explain the feeling of dread that was building up inside of him. He just wanted to get in his car and forget this last week with Zach had ever happened. Instead, Zach leaned against the car door, blocking his only definitive exit.

“Are we really doing this here?” Frankie asked, the annoyance evident in his voice.

“Fuck yes, we are. You get in this car and drive away and I won’t see you for another four years. No. We do this now. You don’t get to run away from me. Especially without telling me why,” Zach replied, his voice louder than he intended.

Frankie reached out, grabbing Zach’s hand in his, linking them together. “There,” Frankie said matter-of-factly. Zach glanced down at their linked hands, blinking up at Frankie a few seconds later.

“Seriously. You ran out because I didn’t hold your hand on the table in front of my parents?” Zach asked. He could hear the accusation in his own voice and he tried to temper it, managing an almost even tone at the end. Frankie pulled his hand away quickly, raising them both in the air in an exaggerated ‘you just don’t get it’ gesture. “Baby, explain. Please. That wasn’t that big of a deal,” Zach tried. 

Frankie could feel his anxiety rising in his chest. Zach was illustrating his point so perfectly, how could he not see it? If that didn’t matter, then soon nothing would matter and it would be over. It would be even worse later when Frankie had let himself believe the beautiful words Zach was spouting everyday for a year or two rather than just one week. He was already head over heels. There was no way this could end well. When Frankie fell head first, he always ended up flat on the floor with no one but his sister to save him. He couldn’t do it again. He didn’t have her. He was literally hurtling towards heartache with nothing to fall back on.

“I don’t know how you don’t get it,” Frankie finally replied. Zach squinted in the dark, trying to read Frankie’s face. Frankie wouldn’t look at him directly, his eyes kept skimming over his shoulder or casting downwards towards his crossed arms. Zach wasn’t sure if this was all part of Frankie’s grief or if it was something else entirely. He was in unfamiliar water, swimming with a shark that could bite his head off and leave him for dead if he wanted. Zach had to hope that wasn’t the case when he made the decision to step forward and wrap his arms around Frankie.

Frankie was still, his arms crossed tightly, his hands in fists. He refused to give into the embrace. He just couldn’t. Zach squeezed Frankie tightly before his hands slid up to cup each of Frankie’s cheeks. Zach pressed his forehead to Frankie’s, sighing softly as he pulled away again. Frankie’s eyes were steely, still refusing to soften to Zach’s advances. “Please Frankie. Tell me what you’re thinking,” Zach implored.

Frankie sighed loudly. He still wanted to run away, but he couldn’t deny that Zach’s touch felt good. He figured that if he was going to rip his own heart open, he might as well voice the reasons aloud. The problem was he had no idea how to do that. Instead, he just found himself opening his mouth, saying the first thing that came to mind. “Zach, you can’t just bring me to your parents house and expect me to act like I’m your friend,” Frankie started.

Zach wanted to groan in frustration, but he held it in, nodding once before he said, “Baby, I didn’t say we were friends.”

“It doesn’t matter what you say. You ran away the second I tried to hold your hand. You sat like twenty feet away from me for most of the night until I decided to sit right next to you at dinner. I mean, I don’t know what you thought it looked like, but I’m not about to be the guy you bring around and say ‘oh, he’s just a friend,’” Frankie explained.

“That’s not what I was trying to do. You’re not just a friend. You’re my best friend, but you’re more than that. You’ve never been just a friend. You know that,” Zach answered, his hands tugging on Frankie’s forearm, trying to get him to loosen his hold on himself.

“That’s the point. It doesn’t matter if I know it or you know it. You are the one that asked me if you could call me your boyfriend. I said yes. That means use it. Use the label. You asked for it. Now use it,” Frankie replied, his voice curt. Despite himself, Frankie let Zach pull his arms away from his chest.

“Frankie, this isn’t like you. You’re demanding I use a label. Do you hear yourself?” Zach tried, “What are you really thinking. Why did one small thing send you running from me? We just had an amazing afternoon on the golf course with my brother. I really don’t want to bring this up as a counter point, but I kissed you in front of him, multiple times. So what is this really? Clearly, I’m not trying to hide our relationship forever. I told you, my mom knows. It's just that my dad is an ass. You know that. He looked down at our hands touching and I chickened out. I'm sorry. I'll do better. It's just, I know that he'll take forever to accept this, or he never will. Either way, I figured it was best not to hit him over the head with it all at once. You know?”

Frankie didn’t answer. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Zach what he was really thinking. Zach was right. Frankie knew that. He was overreacting about that. It was minor in the grand scheme of things. The truth was, he was scared of feeling devastating loss again. Frankie shook his head a little, his eyes still refusing to meet Zach’s. Zach could see the glimmer of Frankie’s watery eyes in the dim light. One of Zach’s hands slid up Frankie’s neck, gently rubbing Frankie’s earlobe. Frankie couldn’t help but tilt his head into the touch. “Frankie James Michael Grande Marchione. Talk to me,” Zach ordered, his free hand resting against Frankie’s chest.

Frankie sighed loudly. He almost resented Zach for knowing how to break his resolve—almost. “You’re going to leave,” Frankie nearly whispered. Zach squinted at Frankie, trying to decipher the words in his head. They didn’t make sense. It was such a big leap from where they were. Frankie continued, his voice barely audible, "Everyone leaves and I'm left to try and pick up the pieces." Slowly, Zach understood more clearly that this was less about him and more about Frankie's fears. Fear of losing him. Fear of losing anyone.

“Baby…I’m not going anywhere,” Zach murmured, “I already told you that a few hundred times. Remember?” 

Frankie nodded, his body starting to feel defeated as all of the adrenaline washed out of his system. “When I watch you hide what we are like that, all I can think about is how easily you can turn it off. I see how easily you could change your mind and it would hardly change a thing for you,” Frankie replied.

“Frankie. That’s not true. I would fall apart without you. I need you. Just as much as you need me. I already told you all of this. You believed me then. Why don’t you believe me now?” Zach asked, noticing the slight shake of Frankie’s head at his words.

“I can’t believe you,” Frankie whispered, “It’ll hurt too much.”

“What will hurt? I’m not leaving,” Zach demanded, his voice louder now.

“What if…if it’s no—not your…ch-choice?” Frankie finally asked, choking on the words.

“Oh, Frankie,” Zach murmured, fully stepping into Frankie’s space now, pulling him close and pushing Frankie’s face into the crook of his neck. Frankie didn’t fight back. He let Zach move him, hold him, rub his back. Zach pressed his lips to the side of Frankie’s head. Frankie was broken. Zach knew that. He knew it would take time to heal and that he’d never heal fully. Zach really did know that. It was just that he’d never done this before. He was figuring it out, just like Frankie was. “Baby, I can’t predict the future, but you can’t either. Right? So we can’t deny ourselves happiness now for fear of what will happen in the future. Please Frankie, don’t do that, to you or to me,” Zach added.

Frankie sniffled loudly against Zach, the wet spot on Zach’s shirt prominent even in the dark. “I’m sorry,” Frankie mumbled. He meant it. He was sorry for being a mess mostly. He didn’t want to leave Zach, not really. He was just so afraid of the world now. It was a new fear and one he didn’t like.

“No need to apologize. Come back with me, please?” Zach asked, “I’ll make it up to you.” Frankie wiped his eyes and nodded once. Zach linked his hand with Frankie’s immediately, their fingers laced together. Zach’s thumb brushed against the smooth skin on the back of Frankie’s hand as they walked slowly back to Zach’s parent’s house, Frankie’s car beeping once again as he locked the door, the keys now buried in his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want me to continue? Let me know what you think.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like a splash of water to my face  
> When I suddenly realize  
> That you could never find a place  
> For me in your eyes, and I don't know why I keep thinking  
> One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out

Zach loved the steadiness of Frankie’s hands. He loved that he didn’t have to explain what that meant to him. Frankie just understood and that meant more than Zach could put into words as his fingers slid across the warm inviting palm, finding the solid home he sought. Frankie could feel the sweat that had gathered on Zach’s palm, making it slicker than normal, but he held on anyway, squeezing periodically, his thumb frequently rubbing over the delicate skin on the back of Zach’s hand. Frankie tried to convey it without words. He needed Zach to feel his support, his determination to stand by his side. 

Zach’s mind was stuck as he gazed out the window. It was all in that look—a sneer, a mocking gesture, and a stiff goodbye. He knew it was inevitable, but he’d allowed himself to believe otherwise. He wanted to be angry with himself for allowing that bit of hope, but he couldn’t find it in himself. He should be able to believe in love and overcoming obstacles, even if that felt impossible right now. He wanted to be mad, but the overwhelming sense of isolation—of abandonment—were too strong.

Zach wanted to blame Peyton. However, he couldn’t find it in himself to be anything but grateful for his brother. He could still feel the warm hug and the whispered sorry that he shook off with a quick shrug of his shoulder. It had been cool outside, but Peyton’s hug had warmed him fully, reminding him to hold on for what could be ahead if only time, reason, and love could prevail. 

Frankie drove quietly, his mind replaying the last hour in his head. So much had happened and it was almost impossible to process all of it. Once they’d gone back into the house, Frankie had kept his hands to himself, trying not to push Zach. He wanted him to have the nice family dinner that he’d been hoping for. Zach was right—Frankie wasn’t the type to push. More than that, with some perspective restored, Frankie knew that now wasn’t the time to start. He could allow Zach some time. The first dinner didn’t have to be an ambush. Once Frankie started looking for it, he could see the knowing look in Jill’s eyes when Zach brought Frankie a new drink or when he sat possibly a tad closer than friends would. Zach was trying too. He’d stopped giving Frankie a ridiculously wide berth, and while he wasn’t being overly affectionate, he wasn’t being stiff and awkward either. It felt more natural and Frankie found himself relaxing into the evening.

It was thirty minutes after dinner when everything fell apart. Kevin was in his chair, Jill on one sofa and Frankie and Zach on another. Frankie honestly wasn’t paying attention too much as he felt Zach’s hand slide across his back, fingers digging into Frankie’s skin, the fabric of his polo the only barrier. Frankie was dying to get Zach alone and about ready to suggest that they leave when Peyton blazed through the door, a large grin on his face. Frankie could tell he was clearly thrilled about how his evening had gone. Jill set her sights on Peyton then, warming him a plate of leftovers and talking about his day. Frankie hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation when Jill’s voice was suddenly getting louder, taking on a shriller tone that Frankie remembered from years past.

Frankie tried to look away, not wanting to intrude on what was clearly something he was not involved in. Frankie glanced at Zach, his eyes wide as he tried to convey to Zach that maybe they should leave. He was too late though as Peyton burst out, “Maybe I’ll just go live with Zach and Frankie in New York or LA, anywhere that’s far away from you!” Peyton stormed up the stairs and Frankie felt Jill and Kevin’s eyes settle on the pair of them. Zach had gone stiff next to him, his face a bright shade of red, his hands tightly fisted into the fabric of his shorts. 

They were pulling up to Zach’s apartment now. Frankie had to break Zach’s hold on his hand to park the car, pulling into a space that was further from Zach’s apartment than he wanted. When they parked, Zach glanced at him, his eyes clearly tearful, his voice broken as he tried to speak. No words ever made their way out as Zach gave up, looking back out the window.

Zach couldn’t get the memories out of his head. Kevin had been furious in his own way, which mostly consisted of dirty looks, sulking, and a gruff “leave,” uttered in Zach’s direction as he tried to explain the situation. Kevin had never been much for explanations. Jill was upset too, but Zach had a harder time figuring that one out. He thought she understood, she’d all but said that she gave her blessing before he flew to LA. What could she have thought he was going to do? He was going to get Frankie back. It was always about Frankie, it just took Zach years to figure it out.

“Are you really moving?” Jill asked as Zach and Frankie made their way to the door, Kevin sitting resolutely in his chair, unwilling to even say goodbye to his eldest son. 

“I don’t know Ma. We haven’t even talked about it. Peyton’s just talking out of his ass. Seriously,” Zach tried. He wanted to soothe her fears. He still felt that need, the need to make her happy.

Jill’s arms crossed in front of her as she struggled to watch Zach explain. Her eyes were cold and thats when Zach knew his efforts were futile. Zach felt his heart break as he opened the front door. This was a goodbye that felt too real, but he turned his back on his mother as soon as the door was open. Frankie’s hand slipped into his and Zach had never been more grateful. He knew Jill’s eyes were narrowing in on the connection and Zach finally didn’t care. She could be upset. She would get over it—he hoped.

They’d only made it halfway to the car when he’d heard Peyton shout his name. Zach stopped, looking back at the light glowing from the open porch door. Peyton ran across the grass, reaching the pair and hugging Zach tightly as he apologized for his outburst—for causing even more chaos. Peyton told Zach that he loved him and Zach nearly broke into tears at the way his heart contracted, squeezing so tightly he thought it might break.

It was fifteen minutes later and Zach could still feel the ache in his heart. Frankie turned his car off, getting out without a word and coming around as Zach slowly exited as well. The beep of the car doors locking was foreign in the still night. Frankie stepped into Zach’s space, his head falling against Zach’s chest, his arms already tight at Zach’s waist. Zach blinked, two tears falling into Frankie’s hair. Frankie looked up at Zach. He kissed Zach quickly. “I’m so sorry, my love. I know this isn’t helpful now, but I think it will get better…with some time,” he whispered. 

Zach nodded resolutely, kissing Frankie again as he felt Frankie’s hand tug on his own, pulling him towards his apartment. Tiger was eager to greet them and Frankie caught the small smile on Zach’s face as Tiger rubbed his head against Zach’s leg in greeting. Frankie offered to take Tiger outside. Zach nodded as he sank onto his couch.

Zach felt like he might faint, his head spinning just enough to make him wonder if he was going to be sick. It was as if he could hear the conversation that he knew had started as soon as the door to his childhood home had closed behind him. Zach wondered when he’d be back. He hoped it would be soon, but he did his best to convince himself that it would be okay if that weren’t the case. 

Frankie returned a few minutes later, Tiger bursting through the door with energy. Zach had moved into his bedroom. Frankie walked through the door cautiously. The lights were turned off, nothing but shapes visible as Frankie’s eyes struggled to adjust. He could barely make out Zach, who was curled up on his bed, his phone bright in his hands. “What’s up my love?” Frankie asked curiously. Zach wiped his eyes quickly, turning the bright glare of the phone to light Frankie’s face. Zach felt a wave of calm as he found a familiar warmth in the brown eyes that he’d been enamored with for years. 

“It’s Peyton,” Zach answered. Frankie removed his shoes, slipping next to Zach on the bed, his chin digging into Zach’s shoulder as he read the texts on the glowing screen. One of Peyton’s texts caught Frankie’s eye. “You’re my brother,” it read. It was simple, but it held a world of meaning. Frankie knew what the word meant and all it entailed. He might not have a physical sister anymore, but that didn’t mean that his soul wasn’t entwined with hers in ways that couldn’t be explained. Maybe Frankie was giving Peyton too much credit, but he felt like he meant the same thing.

Frankie had done his best not to cry, but he couldn’t help it now, wiping quickly at his face as he moved away from Zach. His heart broke for Zach. This wasn’t how Zach had hoped it would go and Frankie knew that. He also knew this wasn’t the worst case scenario because Peyton was still texting Zach and reassuring him that it would calm down eventually—with time. Still, Frankie hated watching the man he loved be shunned in any way by his own flesh and blood. Zach was worth more than that. He just needed to show him.

Zach set his phone down a minute later, turning over to face Frankie. “Are you crying too?” Zach asked, laughing a little as Frankie nodded and moved closer, his hands running through Zach’s hair.

“It hurts to watch you go through this, but I’ll be okay. By the way, watching Peyton be there for you right now. It’s…I don’t know…it’s beautiful,” Frankie finished. Zach nodded in response, his eyes welling again. Frankie wiped his thumbs across Zach’s cheeks before kissing Zach’s forehead. “I love you, Zachary. My family may be smaller than it once was, but I’m glad to call you a member of it,” Frankie added.

“You really want to be my family?” Zach asked. Frankie couldn’t help but smile at the playful lilt in his voice. Frankie nodded, his face breaking into a grin as Zach’s smile started to spread. “I think you’re going to regret that,” Zach warned, his arms wrapping around Frankie.

“Never. I chose you—five years ago. Now, again—I choose you,” Frankie stated firmly, his eyes meeting Zach’s in the barely lit room. Frankie felt Zach’s hand slide across his back, coming to rest on his side, Zach’s fingers rubbing against the fabric again. 

“Nothing could ever express how much I love you,” Zach murmured. Zach kissed him, pressing his body against Frankie’s. Frankie let Zach lead the kiss, too lost in the feeling to think. Zach found himself slowing the kiss down, making the moment last as he felt his heart swell, full of emotions and longing. Zach’s lips brushed against Frankie’s, the feeling making his body float, the sensations radiating from his skin.

When the kiss broke, Frankie hummed in response, “I’m willing to let you try.” Zach couldn’t help but smirk as he felt Frankie’s teeth graze the edge of his ear, his lips making a trail across Zach’s jawline and down to his neck. Zach’s eyes were unfocused, his body attuned only to Frankie as his hands slowly slid under Zach’s shirt, his lips continuing to move across Zach’s neck. Zach was breathing shallowly, his mind buzzing with each kiss and touch. Frankie pulled Zach’s shirt off, his hands sliding over the tanned bare skin he’d just exposed. Zach felt his heart beat speed up, each pulse like an electric shock that traveled down to his fingertips. Frankie’s fingers began to dig into Zach’s skin, his flesh yielding to Frankie’s firm touch. Zach loved the steadiness of Frankie’s hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when I feel your touch  
> I still get such a rush  
> Your body next to mine  
> Go on and drive me wild

Frankie stretched his arm out as he slowly woke up, his mind working out the haze of his dreams, sending the glistening images out of his head as reality took over. He found that he didn’t have much to complain about awake either as he felt the warmth radiating from Zach’s body. Frankie tilted his head up, his cheek rubbing against the smooth skin of Zach’s chest. Frankie was tucked against Zach’s side, his right arm lying across Zach’s middle. Frankie had his right leg thrown over Zach, the ball of his foot pressed against the inside of Zach’s ankle. The top of Frankie’s left foot was against Zach’s heel, their bodies molding together as if they were made that way. 

Frankie stayed put for a few minutes, his mind replaying the night before. It had been hard at first. He felt a little guilty for his overreaction and storming out, especially after seeing how Jill and Kevin had reacted when Zach’s bit of news accidentally broke. Frankie didn’t blame Peyton and based on the text messages that Zach and Peyton sent periodically throughout the night, he knew that Zach didn’t either. Peyton was a teenager and Zach knew that growing up in that house could be difficult at times. Frankie couldn’t deny that he was happy that Zach’s parents knew, but he regretted how it had happened—for Zach’s sake. He wanted Zach to be able to build his own narrative, to tell his own story.

Frankie started to feel a dull ache in his left arm, which was twisted underneath him. Frankie carefully pushed himself up. He paused as his eyes took in the sight of Zach’s body. The sheets where stretched diagonally across them; he could easily see Zach’s chiseled abs and his well defined chest. He was gorgeous. There was simply no other word for it. Frankie felt his body heat up at the memory of the night before and he had to restrain himself from returning his lips to Zach’s body.

Frankie rolled away from Zach slowly, Zach’s outstretched right arm still underneath him. Frankie stopped suddenly as Zach’s right hand splayed across his stomach, firmly holding him in place. Frankie relaxed back into Zach as he felt Zach’s chest press against his back. Frankie’s head found the pillow he’d neglected all night as Zach’s free arm came to wrap around his waist. “Hi,” Frankie murmured into the air, feeling Zach’s warm breath against his neck.

“Good morning,” Zach mumbled, his bottom lip brushing the top of Frankie’s shoulder. Frankie smiled to himself, content to stay just as they were for as long as possible. Frankie felt Zach’s lips press against his neck once. Frankie sighed softly and Zach ran his fingertips down Frankie’s side, brushing against his bare skin. Frankie hummed as Zach’s hand rested on Frankie’s left hip, his thumb brushing at the soft skin there. 

Frankie felt Zach’s breath get hotter against his neck as Zach’s nose ran across the short hairs at the base of Frankie’s neck. “You smell amazing,” Zach murmured. Frankie felt each word against his skin. Frankie laughed quietly.

“I probably smell like sweat,” Frankie joked.

“You smell like sex,” Zach countered, his voice dropping lower as he pulled Frankie tighter. Frankie rolled his eyes, knowing full well that Zach couldn’t see.

“Mmm, someone woke up feeling seductive,” Frankie murmured. Zach nodded silently behind him, his nose brushing against Frankie’s neck in affirmation. Frankie groaned faintly as Zach’s lips pressed to Frankie’s neck again, his teeth nipping lightly as his tongue tasted Frankie’s skin. 

“Salty and a little sweet,” Zach whispered into Frankie’s ear. Frankie couldn’t help but chuckle in response, twisting himself in Zach’s arms. Soon Frankie found himself facing Zach. Frankie’s eyes locked on Zach’s currently light green eyes, flecks of gold shimmering in the light. Frankie kissed Zach, soft and steady. When he pulled back, he couldn’t ignore the grin on Zach’s face.

“You look happy,” Frankie commented, worried about bringing back the memories of the painful evening before. He didn’t want to wash away Zach’s glow; he had such a shine in his eyes and a familiar grin on his face.

“You look beautiful,” Zach replied, his hand now carding through Frankie’s ruffled hair. Frankie lifted his eyebrow in response, shaking his head lightly as he leaned in to kiss Zach again. Frankie reached for Zach’s hands, their fingers entwining as he touched his forehead to Zach’s.

“I love you,” Frankie whispered, “I’d love to stay in bed with you all day. Believe me, that sounds like the best offer I could ever get, but I have to go check on my mom.”

Zach nodded solemnly, his movements rocking Frankie’s head with his own. Frankie pulled back smiling as he turned away, intending to leave the bed. Zach grabbed Frankie’s arm, pulling him back. Zach’s lips found Frankie’s before he could utter a single protest. “I’m coming with you,” Zach murmured. Frankie smiled warmly, nodding happily in agreement. He watched Zach’s own smile light his eyes. Frankie tugged Zach’s hand, pulling him from the bed and toward the bathroom. 

Zach paused in the bathroom, staring at Frankie as he turned the shower on and searched the only cabinet in the bathroom for clean towels. Zach blushed slightly at the triumphant “A-ha,” Frankie murmured as he reached the back of the cabinet, finding the last clean towel. Frankie stopped suddenly in front of Zach, his eyes trying to read the expression on Zach’s face. Zach didn’t hesitate as his eyes met Frankie’s. “I love you too,” Zach said, pausing as Frankie looked at him curiously, clearly aware that Zach had more on his mind. “It feels like the cheesiest thing in the world, but I think it’s true when I say that you’re the love of my life,” Zach confessed.

Frankie chuckled softly before whispering against Zach’s ear, as if they were keeping a secret from the world—a private piece of knowledge, meant just for them. “I know you are mine,” Frankie whispered before disappearing into the shower.

It was about an hour later when Frankie was speeding down the highway. Zach had been in Frankie’s car more than a few times in the past, but time had allowed him to forget just how scary it was. Frankie never met an accelerator he didn’t like and his penchant for avoiding the brake was legendary—at least, until it was almost too late. Zach had left Tiger at home, promising him that he would be back by dinner time. Zach felt a little guilty. He always took Tiger on at least one walk, but he had to be with Frankie today and Tiger was too much to take to the Grande house.

Frankie’s hand found Zach’s over the console, holding it firmly in his own. Zach liked the feeling. Frankie was something solid and real—he was something to hold on to even if other parts of his life felt like they were spinning on a wheel that lost its direction. “Penny for your thoughts,” Frankie quipped, catching the glazed over look in Zach’s eye.

“It’s nothing. It’s just going to take some getting used to, you know?” Zach answered. Frankie shook his head softly, squeezing Zach’s hand in encouragement. “I feel so torn. I am as happy as I’ve ever been with you. Seriously, this is better than even our best moments years ago. The feeling that I get when I’m around you. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not actually walking on the ground anymore. It’s more than that though. I want to be something when I’m with you. I feel like I have purpose and drive and more focus than normal. Not that that’s hard—I do have the focus of a gnat…” Zach rambled, losing his train of thought. Frankie squeezed Zach’s hand again. Zach’s eyes darted back toward Frankie, his brain picking up where he left off, “But, then there’s the other side. There’s this feeling of loss that I don’t know how to regain. I don’t know if my mom will come around. I think she will. I really do. Or, at least, I hope that she will. I don’t know about my dad though. Once he makes up his mind, I mean, he just doesn’t change it,” Zach finished, unsure where to go next.

Frankie listened quietly, his heart aching for Zach. He couldn’t say that he really understood. He understood the struggle with accepting yourself. He’d always sympathized with Zach on that end. That was hard—for anyone, regardless of sexuality and other complicating factors. But, this—this was different. He’d been fortunate to have an amazing family. His family was strong and centered on love above all else. He couldn’t exactly identify with Zach’s current predicament. He’d heard many stories from friends and acquaintances and even fans who just wanted to tell him their story. One thing he’d learned was that no one’s experience was the same. 

“Give it some time,” Frankie advised, wanting to roll his eyes at himself as the words left his mouth. It was cliche, but it was the only safe advice. Frankie felt Zach’s lips press against the back of his hand and he supposed it was enough, at least for now.

Frankie added softly, “You’ll always be my family. Remember?” Zach nodded solemnly, leaning over to kiss Frankie’s cheek, blinking and wiping away a few tears as his eyes focused out the window once more. 

They arrived at the Grande house about forty minutes after leaving Zach’s. Frankie parked the car and Zach followed him through the garage into the house. The house was quiet as they walked in, with only the daylight streaming through the large windows to light the space. Frankie knew that his dad and Ari’s dad had been over last night, keeping Joan company. He wasn’t sure if they’d left or stayed the night as Frankie quietly called out, “Mommy.”

Frankie waited a few seconds before calling out again, just a bit louder. Zach stood quietly at Frankie’s side, straining to hear. They both heard a distant “I’m back here,” echo into the living room. Frankie led the way as he walked quietly to Ari’s old room. Joan was laying on one side of the bed, the blankets drawn up around her. She was laying on her side, facing the doorway when Frankie and Zach walked in. 

Frankie didn’t waste any time as he bounded across the room, climbing into the bed, smiling widely at Joan. Joan returned Frankie’s smile, hugging him tightly as he laid down beside her. Zach hesitated in the doorway until Frankie beckoned him closer, “Seriously, come here. Get in this bed. Now.” Zach didn’t hesitate to follow Frankie’s request, climbing in beside him, his shoes falling to the floor beside the bed. 

Frankie and Joan caught up about the night before. Joan said that Ari’s dad had gone to his nearby home while Frankie’s dad was sleeping in the guest room. Joan didn’t explain why she was in Ari’s bed and Frankie didn’t ask, but she was fully dressed, save for her shoes. Joan finally asked about dinner with Zach’s family. Frankie opened his mouth to answer, hesitating as his eyes met Zach’s. Zach cleared his throat then, explaining the story himself as Joan listened.

At the conclusion of Zach’s story, Joan reached across Frankie, gripping Zach’s forearm soothingly. “You know you are part of my family Zach. No matter how things turn out, I’ll always consider you family,” Joan promised. Zach smiled softly, willing his eyes not to tear up again. Frankie grabbed each of their hands, lying between the two people that meant more to him than anyone else still living in the world. After a few minutes of quiet in the room, Joan's eyes fluttered closed, her hand still linked with her son’s.

Zach thought Frankie was going to fall asleep too until Frankie’s phone started buzzing in his pocket. Frankie let go of Zach’s hand as he pulled his phone out, his eyes quickly glancing over a text before opening his email. He ignored hundreds of e-mails, searching for the one he needed. It was from MTV. They wanted to do a tribute—a concert, or something for Ari. Frankie wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought about it. They’d made a conscious decision for a private memorial, but they hadn’t really thought about the public—about the fans. That was unlike him, but he hadn’t quite felt like himself since that day in Costa Rica. 

Frankie didn’t respond yet, turning his phone off. He needed time to think. He was fairly certain he wanted Ari to get the proper send off with her fans and friends within the industry, but he wasn’t sure how involved he wanted to be. He would have to discuss it with his mom _and Zach_. He’d definitely have to talk to Zach about it before he decided which way to go. He tucked his phone back into his pocket. Zach moved Frankie’s arm up around his shoulders as he rested his head against Frankie’s chest. Frankie found himself absentmindedly twisting his fingers through Zach’s soft hair as his mind worked through the possibilities. He started to feel himself get lulled into sleep with his mother on one side, his boyfriend on the other.

Zach’s head was spinning, his heart beginning to race at the thought. _A public tribute for Ari._ Zach had only been able to make out the sender and the subject from his vantage point beside Frankie, but it was more than enough. Sure, Zach had to admit that it sounded more than appropriate—in fact, he probably should’ve expected it. It also scared the crap out of him. He might have just declared his relationship with Frankie to his parents, but to do that with the whole world—that was a whole new ballgame. He had a number of friends who he wasn’t ready to tell and there was no way he could hide anything like going to Ariana Grande’s tribute on MTV by Frankie’s side. He just couldn’t. 

Besides those worries, Zach simply had no idea what Frankie would expect and he honestly wasn’t sure how he felt about such a public appearance—as a couple. Should he just go for it? Should he hold Frankie’s hand and be the boyfriend he wanted to be? Or should he pretend to be Frankie’s friend—faking it for the public like they’d done in the past? Should he go at all? Did Frankie even want him to go? Despite Zach’s endless stream of fears that were bubbling to the surface, the last hurt the most. He wanted Frankie to want him there. He just wasn’t sure. Frankie had always wanted that in the past, but this would be about Ari, not Frankie and certainly not about them. After a few minutes, Zach realized he could feel Frankie’s chest rising rhythmically beneath him indicating Frankie was asleep. Zach felt his hands begin to sweat and his heart was still pounding with each beat. He was torn. His heart was imploring him to step up, to be the man that Frankie deserved in public just as he’d done in private. Each time he would psych himself up for that, he’d find himself wondering why he felt like he was going to throw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so afraid to be ready   
> To change all these locks  
> To disconnect the dots

Frankie blinked his eyes in the bright sun, his body aching to be stretched as his mind came around to wakefulness. He felt warm buried under the fluffy comforter. It took a few seconds before he remembered that he was in Ari’s room. He took stock quickly, realizing he was alone as he stretched his arms and legs out across the expanse of the massive bed, enjoying the sweet burn of his muscles waking up. He yawned quietly, sitting up in the bed, his eyes sweeping across the room. There were about a million pictures and various items that Ari had stowed away there. 

For the last couple of years, Ari hadn’t come to Florida as often and the room was almost a shrine to who she had been years ago, fame still relatively new. Mixed in, he spotted old pictures and a few stuffed animals that he remembered from when she was tiny. He felt his heart swell at the memories, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He shook his head, sliding out of the bed and half-heartedly pulling the comforter back in place. It wasn’t like Ari had been much of a housekeeper anyway, so he figured she wouldn’t take any offense. 

Frankie padded to the doorway, glancing back again before turning the light off. He hummed quietly to himself, pondering the room. He’d have to sort through it eventually, but he really didn’t want to change it. Although the memories might hurt at first, he knew her room would be a nice place to go for comfort and memories when he needed it. He made his way down the short hallway, walking purposefully to his own bedroom. He pushed the door open to find an empty room. He hummed softly, continuing his search.

He finally found Zach sitting at the kitchen table. Zach was still dressed in his old polo and shorts. His hair was slightly ruffled and his head was bent down. He was holding his phone in his hand, the glow of the screen lighting his face. Frankie watched from afar for a moment as Zach pulled the screen closer, shook his head and appeared to keep scrolling before repeating the action. His face almost seemed set in a scowl as he continued looking through the phone. Frankie watched as Zach's hand moved up to grip his hair, pulling on the strands, his hair become steadily more disheveled.

Frankie spoke as he crossed the room. “You left me without a cuddle buddy for wake-up time,” Frankie pouted, sticking his lip out for dramatics. Zach’s head jerked up, turning his face to see Frankie, a smile pulled on his lips. Frankie noticed the distinct lack of glow in his eyes. Frankie’s brow creased momentarily before he recovered, continuing his way to Zach. He stopped next to the sitting man, his fingers brushing over the unruly bits of Zach's hair, trying to replace them.

“Sorry babe,” Zach murmured, “I just couldn’t sleep. I had to move or I’d drive myself crazy.” Frankie frowned, remembering how badly Zach would get inside his own head. It seemed like a constant battle. It wasn’t something that Frankie couldn’t understand, but it was more intense with Zach. Frankie recalled how amazed he used to be when he’d talk to Zach and everything would be perfect and then two hours later it was a disaster. Zach was an expert at overanalyzing—creating his own problems.  
   
Frankie glanced down to Zach’s hand, still holding his phone. The screen was distinctive and he knew it well. _Twitter._ Frankie sighed quietly, trying to stifle the sound as he heard it come out. He reached out for the phone, trying to pull it from Zach’s hand. Zach resisted, gripping a little tighter. Frankie’s finger swiftly slid to press the button on top, turning the screen black. That seemed to lessen Zach’s fight as Frankie finally pulled the phone away, setting it face down on the table beside Zach.  
   
Zach hadn’t been on twitter in a couple of years. He’d actually had to download it onto his phone after he’d climbed out of Ari’s bed and Frankie’s embrace this morning. It was like an itch that he had to scratch. As soon as the thought of a public appearance came up, he couldn’t help but think about what people would say. Social media had become such a beast of burden for him before he and Frankie had gone their separate ways. The attacks on his character and family, not to mention the attempts to ruin his name in every sense of the word, had all been a bit too much for him.  
   
It had taken five tries for him to remember his password this morning before he got into the old account. He hadn’t tweeted anything in eighteen months and even then, less than a handful of people had seemed to care. Zach liked it that way. He’d gone to Frankie’s twitter immediately. There hadn’t been a single tweet from Frankie since he was in Costa Rica. His page was falsely cheery from the lack of update. Zach had scrolled a little, picking tweets at random and reading replies. Many were nice, almost pandering. More than a few were weird. Then there were a few vicious tweets: name calling, slurs, death wishes, and so much more. He wished he could say he was surprised, but it brought up too many memories of nearly identical messages directed at him.  
   
Zach looked up at Frankie like a guilty puppy. Frankie gave a half grin as he raised one leg, swinging it across Zach’s lap before sitting down to face him, one leg dangling on each side of Zach. Zach’s hands flew automatically to Frankie’s hips, helping to hold him in place.   
   
“You’re worried,” Frankie stated bluntly.   
   
Zach stumbled over his words as he tried to deny the truth. “No, no…uh, I just, I had to look for something and I accidentally…”  
   
Frankie’s hand had come to brush against Zach’s cheek, startling him into silence, abandoning his attempt to explain. Frankie hummed quietly for a moment before he ran a finger down the middle of Zach’s forehead. “I know you’re worried. You only get lines here when you’re worried,” Frankie murmured. Zach tried to shrug it off, but Frankie leaned forward, kissing the place between Zach’s eyes. The worry lines softened a little. Frankie pressed his lips to the corner of Zach’s frowning mouth, earning a brief smile. Frankie’s hands dropped to Zach’s neck, his fingers pressed into the flesh in the back, trying to loosen the muscles. Zach groaned quietly, tilting his forehead forward to press against Frankie’s.  
   
“Talk to me love. What are you so worked up about?” Frankie asked, trying to keep his voice low and inviting, coaxing the worry from Zach.   
   
Zach shook his head softly, mumbling, “Nothing. Really.”  
   
Frankie lifted his head at that, forcing Zach’s eyes to open and look back at him. “Zachary…tell me, please,” Frankie implored.  
   
Zach felt a little guilty. It was Frankie’s email that he’d been reading over his shoulder. He wasn’t even supposed to know yet. Plus, he was definitely starting to freak out about going public with Frankie, and that was something he promised he would do without issue. The last thing he wanted to do was disappoint Frankie. Twitter had only made it worse, feeding his fears and uncovering memories and old wounds.   
   
Frankie’s head was tilted in question, reaching up to rub Zach's ear between his thumb and forefinger. Zach leaned into the touch, his body going slack in defeat. He had to tell him. The way Frankie was touching him made him feel safe. He wasn't sure if it was a conditioned response, or a natural instinct within him that only Frankie had ever managed to discover, but he knew he was enamored with it. Zach struggled to find the words. Finally, Zach whispered, “MTV.”  
   
Frankie let out a soft breath, understanding arriving as quickly as the last syllable was uttered. “You read the email?” Frankie asked, knowing the answer.   
   
Zach nodded somberly, opening his mouth quickly to apologize, “I’m sorry, I—I know that I shouldn’t have, but—”  
   
Frankie cut him off with a soft kiss. “No, don't apologize. It's okay. It really wasn't a secret. I was going to talk to you about it today anyway. That was the first I'd heard of it," Frankie said quickly. Zach seemed to let out a breath he'd been holding since he'd read the email. He was still afraid, but at least Frankie was here now. "We can talk about it, okay, love?" Frankie continued. Frankie's mind was instantly filled with logistics he'd managed to hold at bay before his nap. He had to call that producer's assistant later today, before it was too late. No date was set, but it had to be in LA. What did they want him to do? Could he do anything? He wasn't sure he was stable enough to speak in front of a large crowd, or anyone that wasn't family, really. He'd been able to hide it well when he was with Zach, pushing his mind to other places, but being faced with Ari's mortality once again...well, it seemed beyond daunting.  
   
Zach saw the glazed over look in Frankie's eyes, his mind clearly elsewhere. He felt his heart beat pick up, anxiety returning. He needed Frankie to be the calm one now. He needed the soothing man he'd over depended on all of those years ago. He felt the bile rising in his stomach again, his head beginning to spin. He'd held it together for most of the week and it was starting to unravel. First last night and now this. His hands slipped from Frankie's hips, sliding down to Frankie's thighs, his fingers gripping in instinctively.    
   
Frankie was pulled out of his own head by Zach's tightening fingers, digging uncomfortably into his skin. "Zach, baby, look at me, look at me," Frankie implored, his fingers tilting Zach's face up to him. Zach's eyes met his, the panic evident. Frankie kissed Zach, trying to pull him back from the edge of the abyss he was about to fall into. It worked marginally; Zach's eyes looked tired, his shoulders slumped in defeat, but Frankie could feel Zach's heart rate slowing.  
   
“So…you went on Twitter to…” Frankie trailed off, his eyes questioning. He could connect some dots, but he knew from experience that forcing Zach to talk was paramount to bringing him back down, to fixing whatever was wrong.   
   
“I just wanted to see what it was like now,” Zach summed up, trying to answer quickly. When Frankie just looked at him, no response forming on his lips, Zach’s dam broke as he exhaled, “Frankie....I, I don't fucking know. I—I can't do that. Not again. That's terrifying. They're so mean. They're vicious. What is going to happen? One picture of us together and it's all going to start again. The messages. The phone calls. The hacks. It won't stop once it starts. I—Frankie—what do…I don’t—I’m not sure if—What if…ugh, Frank…” Zach rambled, losing steam as he went, his eyes wide and tearing, his face terrified.  
   
Frankie’s hands slid behind Zach’s head, pulling him down against his neck. It was too much to comprehend at once, but the fear was palpable. This moment almost felt like a distant memory until he saw the look in Zach's face, felt the rapid pulse and the sweating skin. This was real. It all came back at once, the anger and the fear mixed with constant worry—it was an emotion they’d become intimately familiar with. Despite their attempts to overcome it all those years ago, they’d never found lasting success.  
   
Zach sniffled along Frankie's shoulder, allowing Frankie to soothe him, fingers rubbing, caressing, kneading into every inch of Zach's back. When Zach finally pulled back, he was rewarded with a gentle smile from Frankie. "Baby, this is all because of that MTV tribute, right?" Frankie asked quietly, being careful to keep constant contact with Zach.   
   
Zach took a few beats, gathering his courage. "Frankie...you do want me to go right...to the thing—the tribute I mean?" Zach stumbled through his words. The moment of silence was too long and Zach found himself speaking without thinking. "As a friend? Your boyfriend? I don't know what I can do. The only thing worse is if you don't want me to go, but I don't want to be a burden or distraction and I won't deny I'm afraid. Frankie I don't know what to do. Tell me. Tell me what to do," Zach implored.  
   
Frankie's eyes widened at the confession and depth of Zach's fear. Zach was actively fighting his urge to run, to walk away. He'd never been good at facing fears and he felt like he'd already reached his quota for the year in just this past week. Zach closed his eyes, unsure what he even wanted to hear.   
   
Zach felt soft kisses pressed to the corner of each of his eyes. He opened them a crack, taking in Frankie's face. "Baby, of course I want you there," Frankie said without a thought. He didn't even think it was a question. He knew Zach got into his own head too much, but it would take a while to get used to that again. Zach sagged against Frankie, his face pressed to the crook of his neck, pressing a soft kiss there as Frankie's hands wound through the strands of Zach's hair. "You want to come with me?" Frankie questioned, hoping the answer would match his own.  
   
The answer was garbled against his neck, "Yes baby," Zach managed. Frankie sighed loudly, his own body relaxing into Zach.   
   
"Nothing is in place yet love. We'll talk logistics okay?" Frankie murmured. He felt Zach’s head nod against him. "I want you to be comfortable. More importantly, you're safe with me...always. Any concern you have, please tell me before it eats you alive. I'm not going to fall apart, okay? I’m pretty sure you used your own to hands to rebuild my heart from the broken pieces. I might not be as strong as I was two weeks ago, but I can support you just as you supported me. It's a two way street, yeah? We’re stronger together,” Frankie continued. Zach nodded again, his warm lips pressing against Frankie’s neck once again.

Frankie laughed quietly, Zach was wrapping around him like a monkey afraid of falling from a tree. Frankie rested his head against Zach's shoulder. "You wanna do a joint call to MTV? We can make the plans together? With Mommy of course?" Frankie asked. Zach murmured a quiet assent. "We can figure out the you and me part as we go. Whatever we have to do…I just want you there. We'll play it by ear? Talk about it when we know more details?" Frankie continued, "I love you. At this point, I’m pretty sure you can't change that—no matter what you do." Frankie pressed a kiss into Zach’s hair before pulling Zach's face back, wiping a stray tear away before kissing him sweetly. Zach returned the kiss in kind, pulling Frankie to him, his lips quickly progressing from gentle to forceful, opening Frankie's mouth, needing more from him. Frankie gave willingly, allowing his mind to be drawn to Zach and away from the growing list of worries and questions about the tribute, pushing his fear of public grieving for his sister to the back of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this literally took *forever*. I'm amazed anyone still wants to read this or asked me to update after it took me nearly 3 months to update this! I do love this fic and I'm humbled that anyone would ask for an update after months of nothing. Thank you so much to those of you still reading. I hope it was worth the way too long wait. <3


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are my Manhattan from the sky  
> You look so neat and tidy when I'm way up high  
> But I know your streets are lined with a fine mess inside  
> And I wanna come down and walk around your mind

Zach leaned his head back against the not quite forgiving leather of the head rest. He sighed quietly, closing his eyes and taking in a few deep breaths. He’d really hoped he’d be over his fear of flying by now, but that clearly wasn’t the case if the growing butterflies in his stomach were any indication. He felt Frankie’s fingers brush over his hand before they slid between his own fingers, lacing them together. Zach opened his eyes long enough to peak at Frankie who was also leaning back in his seat, although his face betrayed a level of comfort that Zach just didn’t understand. He had wondered if the first class seats Frankie had booked would make the flight more comfortable, but it didn’t seem like he was going to get that lucky. 

Zach closed his eyes again, trying to focus his energy away from the bustle of the passengers still boarding, when he heard a female voice coming from above him. His eyes flew open in a second, slightly jarred by her sudden appearance. Frankie squeezed Zach’s hand reassuringly and Zach blushed deeply as he stumbled over his words to tell the stewardess that he didn’t need a drink before take off. Frankie dropped his head against Zach’s shoulder after the woman moved on to the next row. Zach exhaled deeply, a joke playing across his mind to ease the tension he felt. _If we go down, at least we go down together,_ he thought. Zach was eternally grateful for the flimsiest of brain to mouth filters he had for catching that thought before it got voiced aloud. 

The flight took off with a few bumps and Zach might have squeezed Frankie’s hand a bit tighter than Frankie had bargained for. Frankie had prepared to sleep on the late flight and Zach had weakly agreed to attempt it, although he wasn’t sure how successful he’d be. They were flying to New York. There had been a few days of debate about it. MTV had wanted to hold the tribute for Ari in Los Angeles. They’d claimed it made the most sense simply because it was Hollywood. Frankie had argued vehemently for New York City. Zach couldn’t find fault with his argument that Ari had loved NYC and despite where her career went, she was a Broadway girl at heart. Joan had sided with Frankie and that had sealed the deal. Zach had been happy with the outcome because Frankie seemed more at ease, and personally, he was thankful for the much shorter flight.

Zach readjusted the blanket over the pair of them for what had to be the twelfth time as he tried once again to focus on anything but the upcoming tribute. Frankie’s hand squeezed Zach’s knee below the blanket and Zach felt himself reminiscing on the last few days. They’d spent a few more days in Florida together. They’d fallen into a routine that suited each of them beautifully. Every day was spent with Joan and Frankie’s friends. They laid out by the pool, visited a casino, and mostly just tried to carry on with life as if nothing had changed. They usually succeeded pretty well. Then, every night, Frankie would drive them back to Zach’s apartment, where they’d play with Tiger and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Some nights, Zach found himself soothing Frankie to sleep as his emotions surfaced in the silence of the night. Other nights, they’d barely make it into the apartment without losing their clothes. Zach knew without a doubt, that he’d never had a more perfect week in his life, despite the circumstances. 

Frankie dozed periodically on the flight, Zach shifting beside him, waking him, every ten minutes or so. Zach felt anxious. Frankie could practically feel the nervous energy radiating off of him. Frankie had tried to soothe it, but it felt like a losing battle, especially when his own nerves and fears were threatening to bubble to the surface on an increasing basis. The tribute was stressing him out. He was supposed to speak and he had nothing written even though he’d be on stage in less than a day. He’d skated through the private memorial with Zach at his side, and no matter how much he loved an audience, this was daunting. He wanted to confide in Zach, but it felt like just another worry that would put Zach over the edge. Frankie didn’t know a lot of things right now, but he knew he needed the strong and steady Zach he’d had last week. He was afraid to jeopardize that support. He almost wished he could stop time and bottle up the magic of the last week. Sure, he was filled with sorrow when memories of Ari interrupted, but they were either quickly filled with the joy of the memory itself, or softly soothed away by Zach’s warm hands caressing his back and wiping his tears. He didn’t think he’d ever loved Zach more. 

The landing was smooth. Zach’s large exhale at the thunk of the wheels on the runway made Frankie smile fondly. Frankie kissed Zach’s cheek a moment later, earning a smile from Zach. Despite the clearly illuminated seatbelt sign, Zach had unbuckled his seatbelt as the plane taxied to the gate. He shifted to peer out the window, his gaze including Frankie’s profile. Zach reached across the small space of the armrest, his index finger turning Frankie’s chin back toward him. Frankie smiled softly, willing himself not to think about how this was the first time he’d be back in New York knowing she was gone. He’d walk the streets that he used to walk with her when she was just a small child, singing beyond her years on stages with audiences applauding each high note. Zach couldn’t exactly make out the expression in Frankie’s eyes, but he was sure a distraction wouldn’t hurt. Zach leaned closer, his lips brushing against Frankie’s softly. “I love you,” Zach murmured. Frankie smiled weakly, mumbling the sentiment in return. Frankie turned back to gaze outside the window again, the back of his head against Zach’s shoulder, watching the light’s of the airport ahead grow larger as they approached in the still dark night.

The controlled chaos of the airport happened in a split second for Zach. Frankie’s friends were there, loading the large SUVs with bags as they all piled into the two vehicles to head for Frankie’s and Joan’s apartments just a few blocks off of times square. Zach was seated in the third seat of one of the SUVs, Frankie sitting in the seat directly in front of him. Strigs was seated beside him with Joan in the seat beside Frankie. Zach was tired. He’d successfully garnered zero minutes of restful sleep on the plane and he was ready to crash. Unfortunately, his head hadn’t gotten the memo from his exhausted body. He felt his mind swimming with still unanswered questions. He quietly cursed himself for letting himself get to this place with no solid decisions, but he couldn’t say he was surprised. He had never been great at committing or communicating.

Zach’s train of thought was interrupted as the car pulled into an underground garage and he heard his name, darting his head up quickly, his eyes meeting Frankie’s. “Zach, babe, we’re here. Come on,” Frankie offered, holding his hand out to Zach. Zach hastily unlatched his seatbelt, taking Frankie’s proffered hand and walking beside Frankie through the familiar garage. He’d been here before. It had been years, but he’d been here. Zach guarded his thoughts from the memories he had here. Many were amazing and a few were downright terrible. He reminded himself that what he had now was a clean slate and he could build new memories within the walls of the old.

Frankie leaned against Zach in the elevator. He was tired and he could tell Zach wasn’t feeling his best. Zach was distracted, his face drawn and his smile noticeably dimmer. Frankie knew that Zach was hesitant when it came to the tribute tomorrow. They’d talked in circles for a day or so before deciding they didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It was simultaneously the worst and the best decision they’d ever made. They had bought themselves a magical week, but at what expense? Each had their own nervous energy now and the memorial was tomorrow night—well, technically—tonight. While Zach had been involved in the planning, mostly by holding Frankie’s hand and consistently taking his side, they hadn’t discussed the _them_ of the whole thing. 

Frankie had pushed for Zach to be by his side, to publicly be his boyfriend. Zach had wanted to agree, he really did, but he found himself thinking of a million ways to get out of that situation. While Frankie had wanted to push harder, to force Zach to lay his cards on the table like he’d promised he would, he knew that he couldn’t. He knew it when he saw the cloudy look on Zach’s face as they passed the exit for his parents house every evening. He knew it when Zach excitedly declared when he received a text from Peyton. He knew it when Zach tried to hide a picture of his family when Frankie wasn’t looking. Neither his mom nor dad had reached out in the last week and Frankie knew it was eating him alive. Frankie just couldn’t bring himself to push Zach further when he was already working like hell to mend the part of him that had broken. Unfortunately, this left them with no solid agreement or plan and as the night was getting later, it looked unlikely that one would be reached.

Zach was grateful when Frankie’s friends parted quickly after a quick round of hugs and promises to be at Frankie’s before noon tomorrow. After the door had shut swiftly behind Jon-Erik, the last to leave, Zach wrapped his arms around Frankie, pulling him tight and moving towards the bedroom. Zach had been about to crash onto the bed when he noticed the rather large suitcase on the bed, his own small bag sitting by the door. “Did you pack your whole dresser? That’s huge. I thought this was a quick trip,” Zach asked, his brain working through a fog to come up with the details of their flight schedule.

“It is, it is,” Frankie reassured, “But, I figured I should start bringing stuff up here,” he confessed. 

“Wait. What?” Zach questioned, his mind slowly processing the meaning behind Frankie’s words. “Are you not planning to be in Florida a lot?” Zach mumbled, not wanting to know the answer.

“Stop worrying,” Frankie ordered, lifting the large suitcase off the bed and onto the floor. He quickly removed his pants and shirt, crawling onto the bed, reaching his hand out for Zach’s, pulling him down onto the soft bedding. “I’ll be in Florida enough. I love you. I am going to be with you, but I can’t _live_ in Florida, you know that,” Frankie tried. Zach was sitting on the edge of the bed now, his shoes lying on the floor beside his discarded shirt. He was too tired to process this. All he knew was that it stung like an arrow to the chest. He stood to remove his jeans, only to feel Frankie’s chest pressed to his back a second later, one of Frankie’s arms hooked around his chest, the other at his waist. “Sleep love,” Frankie whispered as Zach fell back to the bed again. Zach nodded in response. Frankie pulled Zach close, the room now black. Zach curled onto his side, allowing Frankie to mold his body to Zach’s. Zach felt the soft brush of Frankie’s lips against the nape of his neck before Frankie was clearly asleep, his arm going limp across Zach’s waist. Zach tried to fight the building doubts and whispers of worry in his head, wishing instead for the peaceful sleep he’d been hoping for all evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean...what's a story without conflict? Plus, they'd totally be the type to agree to talk about something and then not follow through. *cough cough*


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Save me, give my troubled heart  
> What it's been aching daily for  
> I'm hoping, you know me enough to see  
> That I can't be alone anymore"

Frankie stretched his legs out to the bottom of the bed, groaning softly at the blood rushing through his muscles. He kept his eyes closed as he rolled onto his back. The warm skin of his back pressed against the cool untouched sheet producing a sensation that was not unpleasant. He threw his arms wide, stretching out from end to end. He was planning on more sleep, turning over to his stomach when he realized that he was alone—and he wasn’t supposed to be. His eyes opened wide. The room was bleakly lit by the beginnings of the sun dawning on the early morning. He listened for a sound in the apartment, but there was nothing. Frankie took a few deep breaths before forcing himself from the warmth of his bed.

The floor was cold against his feet as he walked to the bedroom door that had been left slightly ajar. Frankie was too tired to think through all the scenarios of where Zach might be. His heartbeat spiked at the sudden worry that Zach might not be in the apartment at all as Frankie walked down the short hall. He tried to remember if he’d seen Zach’s suitcase in the bedroom but he couldn’t remember, so he walked a bit faster before stopping suddenly at the edge of the kitchen when he saw a head of messy brown hair silhouetted by the emerging burnt orange of the rising sun. 

Zach was quiet, sitting on the end of Frankie’s sofa. His gaze didn’t stray from the window. He had no words. He didn’t really have too many thoughts either. It was breathtaking. Watching the sun rise over a city with millions of people he’d never even know. It was implausible that he’d be here right now. He’d say impossible, but seeing as it was actually happening, he figured he should enjoy the moment. A million memories bubbled to the surface as he sat, his mind reliving everything he could remember about this apartment. He’d spent too much time here once upon a time, and yet, it hadn’t been enough—could never be enough. When Frankie’s fingers threaded through his hair, Zach leaned into the memory, only realizing it was reality when there was a soft hum above him.

Zach didn’t break his view on the sunrise as he leaned his head against Frankie’s hip, his temple pressed against Frankie’s warm skin. Frankie continued to card his fingers through Zach’s unruly hair. After a few minutes, the sun broke over the surface, the glowing orange giving way to the bright light of the day. Frankie stepped away from Zach, sitting on the sofa beside him. Zach finally turned away from the window to see Frankie sinking deep into the cushions, his eyes closed. Zach slid across the small space, turning his body toward Frankie, his right leg thrown over Frankie’s right knee. Zach pressed a kiss on the end of Frankie’s shoulder.

“Morning babe. Sorry you woke up alone. I couldn’t sleep. And I thought about watching the sunrise and well, the rest is obvious,” Zach murmured in apology.

“It’s okay. I remember the last time we watched the sunrise here,” Frankie mused, a small smirk quirking up his lip enough for Zach to see the small gap in his teeth. Zach’s face grew a faint shade of pink at that particular memory. He might have been a bit drunk from the long night before and he definitely had been less clothed.

Frankie opened his right eye, peaking at Zach’s still reddened cheeks. He chuckled softly, pulling Zach closer until they slid sideways, falling to lay along the couch. Zach had half of his body laying on top of Frankie, the other precariously pressed against the edge of the cushions. Zach smiled softly, his heart beating against Frankie’s. Frankie tilted his chin up, his lips brushing against Zach’s cheek. Zach ran the fingers of his free hand through Frankie’s hair, Frankie’s eyes closing with a soft hum.

Zach laid quietly, watching Frankie who seemed to be fighting a battle in his own head. Zach could feel Frankie’s body tense and then relax. It was too chaotic to be rhythmic, but Frankie’s mouth stayed shut. Zach sighed quietly, struggling to keep his own mouth shut. He wanted to ask Frankie what he was thinking. He wanted to know. He was also afraid to know. He knew too many unspoken things already. Frankie wanted Zach to walk by his side today, to hold his hand, to be the boyfriend he knew that he should be. Really—he knew it—it’s what he should do. He just couldn’t. His parents were still refusing to talk to him. Even though he’d tried—he didn’t tell Frankie—but he had tried to call them, a few times. He didn’t want to shut that door for good. No matter what they did—they were his family. He still hoped with time, it would heal and things would get better. 

Frankie’s eyes were open again, gazing back at Zach’s face, his eyes glazed over as he seemed to look a million miles into the distance. “Hey. What’re you thinking?” Frankie asked softly, joining his right hand with Zach’s left, their fingers lacing together.

“Nothing. It’s nothing,” Zach replied, shaking his head softly.

“Now you have to tell me. One word, just one word,” Frankie whispered. His own heart was fluttering in his chest. He felt as close to Zach as he’d ever felt right now, but the pressure of the day and the reminder that he was back _home_ in his apartment for the first time—knowing exactly who wasn’t waiting for him on the other side of the country or simply the other side of the city—it was breaking him down in a way he couldn’t handle. He had to shut it out—to change focus.

“Grateful,” Zach answered without hesitation. Frankie smiled hugely, his eyes lighting up with his smile. Zach felt like he’d just won the lottery. It was beyond surreal, but he’d never felt so happy for so long. He could point to a few moments, mostly spent with Frankie or Peyton, that were equivalent, but never so sustained. He could bury himself in Frankie’s arms for days and not need a single other thing in the world.

“You’re precious,” Frankie murmured. Zach blushed again, burying his face against Frankie’s neck, pressing a quick peck against the sensitive skin there. 

Zach came up again, looking down at Frankie with a serious expression. “What about you? Your mind has been turning this morning. One word?,” Zach countered. He chewed on the inside of his lip, surprisingly nervous for Frankie’s answer. 

Frankie wanted to cringe at the question. It took some concentration to maintain his composure. He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t lie to Zach anymore. Lying about his feelings with Zach had never done him any favors. He chose the easiest, albeit truthful, answer. “Incomplete,” Frankie uttered. The sudden look of sadness and guilt on Zach’s face made Frankie want to fix everything, to go back just five seconds. He wrapped his arms around Zach, moving the pair of them so that they were lying face-to-face on their sides. Frankie pressed his forehead to Zach’s, his eyes closed.

Zach felt his heart break for Frankie. He felt selfish. He knew what today must feel like for Frankie, but he was too caught up in himself. He was caught up in being here, in being back in Frankie’s world and how amazing it felt. He’d allowed himself to forget—or at least ignore—the real reason. Instead, he told Frankie he was _grateful_. He felt lower than low. "I’m so sorry baby. I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t—“ Zach tried, his words cut off by a firm kiss from Frankie. 

“Please don’t apologize. I love that you’re grateful. I love everything you’ve shared with me. I love you,” Frankie said, his voice low and sincere. Zach worried Frankie was going to cry. “It’s just this day—it feels like a monster and I don’t know how to face it—without her. And that’s the whole point anyway—it’s without her. I wish you…” Frankie trailed off, seeming to catch his own words before they escaped.

Zach’s mouth opened, ready to repeat the first three words of the sentence he knew Frankie had been dying to say for weeks. One part of him thought that if Frankie actually did it, if Frankie asked for what he needed, that he would agree to anything without question. Another part of him seemed to live in fear of the words, sweat starting to breakout at his hairline. This could be a real problem. Zach didn’t like to think of himself as a hypocrite or a liar. And he’d promised Frankie the moon and the stars to get him back. And he meant it. He really did. He just wanted to do it at the right time. Tonight. This memorial. This wasn’t the time. This was about Ari. This was not about him. He swallowed dryly as he suppressed the small thought in the back of his head daring to ask, “Are you ready for this?”

Zach was too lost in his head to notice the few beats of awkwardness before the doorbell rang. Frankie planted a quick kiss against Zach’s cheek, a broad smile filling his face as he climbed over Zach and finally reached a standing position. Frankie pushed his smile wider as he thought about his unsaid plea for Zach to be everything he needed tonight. He would grin and bear the night and he could do it alone. Zach’s head spun around, his feet crashing to the cool floor below him as he sat up, racing to keep up with Frankie. 

Frankie was halfway to the door before Zach made it to his feet. “Wait. Who is that?” Zach wondered.

Frankie turned on the spot, smiling mischievously. “You didn’t think I was going to be on national TV without a little help from the team, did you?” Frankie replied. Zach shrugged, feeling more than a little disconnected. He should _know_ that. He’d spent more than a few days in the past, sitting with Frankie while people fluttered around him, applying make-up and spraying the most insignificant stray hair down into place.

“Could you at least put on some pants before you open the door?” Zach asked, a loud huff of air escaping from his throat as he gestured to the small, tight, blue underwear that Frankie was wearing.

“These are pants,” Frankie joked with a wink, “or at least, that’s what the Brits told me.” Zach sighed again, shaking his head, a smile breaking across his face. “Aw, don’t worry baby. There’s no need to be jealous. I’ll make sure you’re the only one who gets inside them.”

“That wasn’t my point—” Zach started, only to be silenced as Frankie swung the door open, exclaiming his morning greeting loudly down the hall. Zach counted as five women and two men came through the door carrying large bags, Starbucks drinks in hand. The last to enter was a skinny guy in the tightest jeans Zach had ever seen. A plain white T-shirt completed his outfit as he wheeled in not one, but two racks of clothing.

Frankie was busy greeting the man that Zach vaguely recognized as Frankie’s make-up guy when Zach approached the clothes—suits, neatly pressed, in almost every color and more than a few fabrics—hung neatly in front of him. Zach couldn’t help but run his hand down the arm of the nearest suit. It was black. Classic. In fact, this second rack of clothing had more than it’s fair share of black suits. The fabric was softer than anything he’d ever touched before. If there weren’t people around him, he’d bury his face in the fabric, just to see how it would feel. 

Zach slid his hand inside the jacket, across the silky black lining inside. He felt a hand press against his back and pulled his hand away as if had been burned. Zach turned to see Frankie who chuckled quietly. “Hey there Tiger. Didn’t mean to frighten the cat,” Frankie teased. Zach smiled, a soft blush creeping across his cheeks. “Do you like?” Frankie asked.

Zach nodded. “It feels so soft. But I don’t think you should wear black. You’re much too bright to wear boring black,” Zach added. Frankie laughed, reaching across Zach to grab the white piece of paper taped to the front of the rack. He held it up so that Zach could read it. “Zach” was scribbled across the paper in large black letters. Zach tilted his head in question, one eyebrow raising.

“For me?” Zach asked. 

“Of course, crazy. Did you think I was going to let my man be on national TV, even for a second, in a suit from _Men’s Warehouse_. Do you even know me?” Frankie explained. “And look,” Frankie continued, reaching for the nearest jacket and holding it up for Zach to see. Frankie pointed to the label which read, _Tom Ford_ , in simple white letters.

“I love you,” Zach whispered.

“Perfect, because I love you too. Now, shimmy your big ass into each of these suits and model for me so we can pick the right one,” Frankie demanded, punctuated by the sound of his hand smacking Zach’s ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally the worst at writing any fics on a decent time table anymore. So if anyone reads this, know that I thank you for still caring. <3


End file.
